Help Intrusive thought logistics

[Kadaver]

I've been so absolutely hopelessly depressed lately. All I want is to transition and I can't. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me. It feels like a prison I'm stuck in and unable to escape. I kintin ep having the intrusive thought to cut my middle finger off on one of my hands and the more I think about it the more "appealing" the idea becomes. It feels like a test of courage but it would also be a way of reclaiming my body. Altering it because I wanted to. Proving to myself that is is mine.

If I did it I would probably use sharpened scissors and try to do it in one swift cut. I'm just worried that I'll fuck up and it won't come off in the first cut and then I'll end up panicking because things didn't go to plan. How much force would it take? Is there something that needs a similar amount of force to cut through that I could test on first (like the dumb carrot rumor or a branch or something) I feel like every day that goes by the idea becomes my only way of reclaiming my body

I would love to hear if anyone else has a similar intrusive thought or just anything that you feel like sharing

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What are the barriers to transitioning?

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts.

I know the urge is strong but please don't cut off your finger. It may seen like an act of agency but you know you will regret having done if if you succeed at it. Focus on that aspect.

 

[Kadaver]

What are the barriers to transitioning?

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts.

I know the urge is strong but please don't cut off your finger. It may seen like an act of agency but you know you will regret having done if if you succeed at it. Focus on that aspect.

Financial. I don't have the money for T or top surgery. My dysphoria has crippled my life to the point where I can't work and I don't really go outside anymore.

I've thought a lot about it and the biggest barrier for me is the consequences. Even if I'm able to clean up the after math I live with family and it's a finger so I would only be able to hide it for so long. It's the middle finger on my left (nondominant) hand so idk how much losing it would impact me. I do know that once I got found out I would probably be forcefully committed to a mental hospital again and this time I don't even know how long they would lock me up for since cutting off my own finger would be seen as a pretty extreme thing

I just want to feel like I have some control

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Financial. I don't have the money for T or top surgery. My dysphoria has crippled my life to the point where I can't work and I don't really go outside anymore.

I've thought a lot about it and the biggest barrier for me is the consequences. Even if I'm able to clean up the after math I live with family and it's a finger so I would only be able to hide it for so long. It's the middle finger on my left (nondominant) hand so idk how much losing it would impact me. I do know that once I got found out I would probably be forcefully committed to a mental hospital again and this time I don't even know how long they would lock me up for since cutting off my own finger would be seen as a pretty extreme thing

I just want to feel like I have some control

I'm sorry. That can't be easy at all. I would suggest making being able to afford transitioning as goal to strive forward but it seems like a catch-22 if your dysphoria prevents you from engaging with society such that you could do that one day. That issue would have to be dealt with somehow to reach that goal. How does your family feel about this?

Wanting to feel control is understandable and is why a lot of people harm themselves. But it really isn't worth it or in your interest. Funnily you want to feel control but cutting off your finger but you can also exercise control by resisting that urge. So giving in to an intrusive thought would maybe not feel as much like having control over your life.