Introduce yourself

[Sardenain]

Hello everyone!

Its-a me, not a Mario. I'm from the happiest country in the world, although methodology might be questionable. I'm a man in my early thirties and since the start of 2020 things have been going downhill. But signs were there long before. I remember being very anxious about SARS so Covid hitting and laying bare my problems is somewhat funny.

I have had different levels of suicidal ideation since I was a preteen. I managed to blend into environment, so nobody really catched it. But I was lonely all the time, often the last to be picked and so on. And when there might have been chance to catch some of my problems, I managed to avoid those chances. I have always been reluctant to bring forth myself so there is also that.

Never truly had extensive contact to health care professionals, except during Covid-times. Only thing I gained from that "treatment" was depression diagnosis, somewhat grim psychologist evaluation and knowledge that Venlafaxine makes me to avoid everything from reading emails to paying bills. I personally suspect that I have avoidant personality disorder rather than depression. I know I should take some contact to mental health professionals but I feel that I don't deserve it.

I am interested in history. Not surprisingly I play grand strategies, mainly EU4 and CK2. I also listen metal, especially older Opeth. Trees of Eternity is/was also always a delight. I also waste time playing online chess. I would like to say I am somewhat decent in it.

I absolutely love late spring/early summer when evenings are still cool/cold but bright and leaves and plants are still in different shades of sharp green. Luckily that short season is coming in soon. Spring and summer used to bittersweet time for me as it magnified things I don't have but nowadays it's.... fine.

Thanks for reading and take care!

 

[Slipknot_XV]

¡Hola a todos! Llevo un tiempo curioseando por aquí y por fin me he decidido a crear una cuenta. Me encanta esta página. Soy español, tengo 48 años y estoy harto de todo; ya nada tiene sentido (supongo que como todo el mundo).
Me encanta el anime, ver series y películas, y jugar videojuegos. Quería estar en un lugar donde pudiera expresarme y ver que hay otras personas como yo, aunque no me entusiasma demasiado la idea.
La verdad es que nunca he sido muy buen escritor; de hecho, no tengo ninguna cuenta en redes sociales. Solo uso WhatsApp por necesidad.
Si puedo ayudarte en algo, no dudes en preguntar.
Saludos a todos.

 

[SilentSnowfall]

Hey everyone. It's nice to meet you all.

I'm from Northern Europe, and I've been depressed for about 8 years now, ever since I was about 12 and some dramatic changes happened in my life. It's been a long and difficult journey, but I'm taking small steps to improve my situation. Hopefully, one day I'll find this "Happiness" people keep telling me is just over the horizon.

Other than that, I really enjoy TTRPG's of all kinds, Cyberpunk RED being my favorite. But I also enjoy Pathfinder, Dungeon Crawl Classics, and looking to try out Vampire the Masquerade. As well as video games like Baldur's Gate 3 and Cyberpunk 2077. I'm also currently reading the Witcher books.


Feel free to send me a PM if we share any interests or if you just want to chat. I'm usually pretty bored.

 

[uklad38]

Hi everyone, been on the site for a while but finally decided to make an account. I'm from the UK and have found this forum quite helpful. I've attempted once properly and was on route to attempt another 2 times (was going to crash my car but couldn't go through with it)

 

[disconsolatenes]

Hello, my name is Horace, I'm 22, I'm diagnosed with NPD and OCD and I've had suicidal ideations since I was around 10. I've been depressed most of my life, struggled with self harm, eating disorders and anxiety.

It got really bad when I turned 16, I was in and out of the hospital and attempted for the first time. Got everyone around me really scared and lost all my friends one by one. When I turned 20 it looked like it was getting better, I enjoyed things, made plans and looked forward to the future, but it never lasts. I'm here again, it got even worse 8 months ago and now I'm 100% sure it's my last year on earth.

I've been a lurker here but I finally found a method that might work for me so I want to investigate it a bit more - hence making an account.
Around 4 years ago was the last time I actually talked with a person that had similar problems to me and since then the only people I had interacted with were my family, coworkers and school colleagues - all only superficial relationships. I think I also want to connect with other people that can understand me here.

I don't find pleasure in my hobbies anymore but I did enjoy sci-fi genre, legos, sandbox video games, cooking, hiking and biking.

 

[Redacted.Audio]

Heya! I'm Redacted, just a depressed trans gamergirl with a severe lack of friends

 

[Resol]

Hi! I'm 24 and have been suicidal since I was 10, almost 11. Very often I feel like a loser because I still haven't managed to get it done after all this time. That's where my name here comes from — it's "loser" spelled backwards.

I love animals, especially dogs, and have a dog of my own. I like writing stories too. When I was younger, I was sure I'd become a writer, but now I feel too old for that. Actually, I feel too old for everything. I've had a chronic age crisis since I was 9.

I have autism, ADHD, and OCD, and maybe because of them, I've always felt that I don't belong in the world. I feel like an alien among people. I don't understand people, and they don't understand me. I want connection but don't know how to maintain it. The world is beautiful, but it's not for me.

 

[theevildoctors]

Hello
i decided to finally create an account, because the people here seem to be genuine and understanding when it comes to mental health, unlike what i've seen everywhere else. i've had mental health problems all my life. I have depression and anxiety, but i'm sure there's other things i haven't been diagnosed with. feel free to call me by my username, or anything you'd like. i'm also fine with any pronouns.

I may not talk or post often, because i can get really nervous. I'm not necessarily looking for friends right now, but if you want to chat, i might be up for it, depending how i feel.

I don't have many interests or things that make me happy anymore. But i like simple things, like drawing., music and cartoons. I might talk more about myself as i go, but i'm not sure.

thats all i have to say.. i'm happy to meet you all :)

 

[ThatsAllFolks2218]

31
Social pariah
Trans man

I already wrote about my issues in the trauma and bullying mega thread.

 

[boyafraid]

Hello friends!

Been here for a while but didn't know this thread existed

I'm an extrovert at heart, and enjoy talking to people but after going through some serious bullying I became VERY shy. So I may be a little quiet at first, but once I feel comfortable with someone I talk nonstop lol. Also, I think I may be neurodivergent but never got officially diagnosed. I can relate to many people on the spectrum. mainly "masking" to fit in with neurotypicals. The people I always felt comfortable with right off the bat were neurodivergent 9 times out of 10.

I enjoy reading, skateboarding, and street hockey. For instruments I like playing elctric piano and ukelele(not that I'm any good at them lol)

I LOVE music and videogames. My two favorite videgogames are The Walking Dead and Omori. Faviorate bands are Radiohead and The Smiths...

When it comes to mental problems, I've had mdd and suicidal ideation for the past 6 years. I'm 20 if anyone is wondering. I have attempted suicide three times by now, so I'm part of the attempted suicide club officially lol.

I also speak Spanish and live in Phoenix, AZ

If anyone wants to talk about their problems or just talk in general my dms are always open (:

 

[CamphorSpice]

Hello! I'm 37, in kind of a do-nothing tech career. Pretty dull living, to be blunt. More to the point, I recently began experiencing cognitive decline. Some areas are improving, other faculties are slipping.

In some ways, I'm less depressed than on past occasions, but I'm tired of living out "Flowers of Algernon." Thinking out my options only seems prudent. Without fixating on it, yeah, having a simple, effective, painless method to check out isn't a bad idea, especially if the worst comes to pass.

 

[blepblep]

Hey! I'm living in scandinavia. I joined this site back in 2019 but wasn't really active and deactivated my account. I'm diagnosed with MDD and have no idea what do do. Still figuring stuff out.

Edit: wish I could share more about myself but my worst nightmare is someone I know finding my account :(

 

[oxycontingenocide]

Hello,, Call me Oxy. I'm a closeted trans man (he/him), living in the philippines. I'm here because I have plans of ending it all but I'm still open to the idea of recovery.
Very suicidal and very depressed, I tend to self isolate and avoid people. I haven't reached ouot to professional yet because it's expensive haha but I do really want to. Depression and decline started in 2020 because of isolation and quarantine, felt better and had the time of my life from 2023-mid2025... and then college started and now i'm here lmao.
I'm very obsessed with Marvel's Loki!!! Other interests include Good Omens, Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes (a bunch of diff adaptations), Stardew Valley, MLP, and probably more that I can't name at the moment. I'm an artist and I write fanfics sometimes.

 

[bipp]

hi everyone! im living in India and im moving to the US sometime soon, ive been thinking about suicide for the past 2 or so years, i really feel like im slipping, part of me wants to hold onto the little bits of life that i enjoy but i cant imagine myself alive in the future, but im sure that in the future ill be able to CTB, if anyone wants to chit chat or talk with me dm me! i wanna share more but if someone i know irl found this account idk what id do.

 

[sisyphuswasnthappy]

Hi! I recently discovered this site and i decided to make an account. Im 19, and i've been dealing with depression (undiagnosed) since i was around 11 y/o; was then diagnosed at age 17 after my third attempt and here i am now looking for a way to finally put an end to my misery. I wouldnt say im dadicated to any hobbies or interests, but i like music, movies, reading, philosophy, physichs and maths, and i recently started learning guitar but i suck at it lol. I think this forum is really nice because people here are lovely and themes that cannot be talked about in any other place can be in here.

 

[RadiantSuperNova]

Hello fun people. I'm Rads and I'm big into music. I spend most of my time listening to music, playing video games, and going to the gym. I'm currently planning on getting a firearm to end my own life with as I'm living with my ex in a town I don't know, I got denied for college, and I believe I'm too far gone to be saved by anyone. I'm sure I'll enjoy talking with anyone that responds!

 

[Liwujin]

Hello! I'm Liwujin. I love to read classical books—any good book honestly, exercise—tried looksmaxxing for a while—and listen to music. I came across SaSu recently while doing research on ctb since I have realized I must stop delaying it because things are not getting better. I have been running on fumes and fake hopes for the last 7 years. I think the people here are very cool and it would be nice to have someone to talk to in the last bit of this path.

 

[mars2027]

Hello! 26M from Spain. I've been struggling with social anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression for some time. I've known about this forum for a while, but only recently decided to register because my situation has been getting worse. Lately, there have been increasingly dark thoughts, especially related to being unable to find a job and become financially independent. I've set a deadline to end it all if nothing changes before I turn 28 next year.

My main interests are music and cinema (around 1,500 films watched), but lately it's been hard to even focus on them because of how mentally drained I feel. I also play games like Valorant and Dead by Daylight from time to time, even if I'm not particularly good at them. Pokémon and Asian culture are things I like a lot… and I feel a deep connection with animals. Being a vegetarian for six years is one of the few things I'm genuinely proud of.

Thx for reading.

 

[13eyond 13irthday]

Hello.
I go by Beyond Birthday, Backup, or BB, whatever you prefer. I chose the name because I liked the same character from the Death Note novel. He attempted to commit suicide, and I figured it was a fitting name for this place.

I'm young man, currently in my mid 20's. I finished a graduate degree in the chemical / biological / engineering field (sorry, I know it's vague, I just don't want to doxx myself), and currently work in academia, but I hate my job almost as much as myself, so that will probably change soon.

I have a lot of interests, and spend a a good deal less time on them than I would like. I enjoy mnemonic techniques and training. My current record pace for memorizing digits was 90 digits in 5 minutes. I'm also interested in constructed languages, like Ithkuil, Toaq, lojban, or toki pona, but I'm not very good at them. I find origami and card stacking soothing, and I read quite a lot. I prefer Scifi, and I've enjoyed Hanlen a lot, and I've been slowly working through the Harvard Classics. I especially have enjoyed the "Planecrash" series, by Eliezer Yudkowsky. I also play a lot of DND, usually acting as the dungeon master for a few groups of friends.

I play a lot of video games, with and without friends. Mass Effect is one of the greatest series of all time, I love Subnautica and anything marine, Risk of Rain 1 / 2 are amazing games, and I have thousands of hours in TF2. That last one alone might explain a bit about why I'm here, honestly.

My suicidal urges began 12 years ago, during my time in Catholic school. I was a know-it-all, and while I was mostly bearable for others, there was one kid who couldn't stand it during my last school year there. He made my life a living hell for a full year. The teachers failed me, and despite my parents bringing up the issue to the priests, they simply marked it off as "boys will be boys". I hate how cliche that phrase is, but that is literally the exact wording the principal priest used during the meeting I had with him.

Anyway, I oscillated between homicidal and suicidal urges, as this kid would do his best to hurt my feelings, and whenever anyone wasn't looking, hurt me physically. He managed to turn every single member of my class against me, save for 2 that I can remember, meaning I lost most of my friends that year. Eventually, the stress became marked enough that I lost my baby teeth and hollowed out at least one adult tooth due to damage from extreme acid reflux, before my parents pulled me out of the school. It's a wonder that I wasn't an atheist already, given how obviously cruel and indifferent God's clergy were.

Later, my body began to fail me. By the time I was 20, I had developed tinnitus, lost all my hair, most of my sense of taste and smell, and only grew to a very short height. Sub 5'5, but I won't say anything more specific. As you can imagine, my romantic / sexual prospects are mostly zero. Not entirely. I have, on very rare occasions, managed to find a woman who at least pretends to be interested for a maximum of 3 months.

I've gone through a few minor "attempts" now (not sure if you would count starvation, dehydration, or minor bloodloss), and every once in a while been to therapy. No diagnosis, possibly because I never went for very long. I worry that there isn't anything wrong with me, but that anyone in my position would feel this way. But I doubt it, I suspect that I'm probably just weak. I know many people have it much worse. That said, I've mostly come to the conclusion that life could have been worth it, but due to a mix of bad luck and bad decisions, I would have been better off if I succeeded at my first attempt. I'm honestly not sure how long I'll be around here. At the time of writing, I am feeling pretty low, and have been for a considerable length of time.

Apologies for the long and depressing rant. I hope that one way or another, what I have to say can benefit others here, and that you feel free to reach out to talk to me if you'd like to talk about mutual interests, suicidal or otherwise.

 

[Deathcrvsh]

Hello all,

I'm Deathcrvsh as in the album of the black metal band Mayhem. I picked the name not because I want to be crushed but I'm in love with the thought of death or being dead - an escape from the burden of life.

I don't remember exactly how I came across this site recently. However, I think it's great that these exist and I believe that every topic should be able to be discussed by those interested without taboos. I find it interesting because it is excluded from the public and provides particular insights.

About me: I am a man and have reached the middle of the average life.

At the moment I can no longer lead the life I would like to lead for physical reasons and it is obviously difficult for me or the doctors to offer appropriate help. However, this situation is only a symptom of deeper psychological, economic and social reasons.

Unfortunately, since I was a child, I have never been able to fit into society or really feel at home there. I think this is based on something like borderline and/or autism. However, doctors don't try very hard to make a diagnosis, let alone offer open treatment.

In addition, there was also a loss in my private life in the past that was difficult for me to cope with. In order to cope with the resulting feelings, I resorted to all kinds of drugs and medication - some prescribed, some not. They gave me relief but also made my life much worse in other ways.

I would like to be left alone from the outside world and its obligations. Or rather, I would like to live without the social obligation to enter into deeper relationships or - for example at work - to have to pretend that I'm not "weird".

I would like to look positively into the future. That means I would like to be able to look forward to something meaningful and have the motivation to stick with it. Unfortunately, I can only do this for a short time and then fall into complete disinterest.

Many things that are extremely difficult for me (and certainly for others in my situation) await me in the near future - for example, the threat of homelessness.

I would have had so much to offer life, but the life I've lived since childhood just isn't worth it.

At the moment I'm not in acute danger of doing anything "stupid" and the suffering is bearable. However, I like to keep the possibility open and am particularly grateful to have learned something about the "Night Night" method here, as other forms are a bit associated with physical disorientation or suffering for me. However, I can advise everyone to take fentanyl and benzodiazepines because they are absolutely painless and pleasant - in my case it would have accidentally worked once.

For professional reasons, I have above-average knowledge of medicines. So if you have any questions (and made it this far) feel free to ask per DM or so.

Thank you for coming to my presentation. I hope I found words that interest.

 

[bratishka]

hello, all, i am called bratishka. it is an affectionate diminuitive of little brother in russian. in no particular order, i have an interest in russian language and culture, mathematics, electronics, and drawing. i actually have a device i built to ctb, but i am not sure effective/reliable it would so i registered an account on here to see if anyone might have input, like on the biological end of things as i have a good understanding of what is happening electronically. i have dealt with these thoughts since i was nine and i am honestly not sure if i truly want to go right now, but having genuinely scared and upset my favorite person during my last psychotic episode makes me more prone to considering the end.

 

[u_unoriginal]

Hi,
Was active on a different site before it got taken down. Funnily enough found out about this one through my therapist . Tried to ctb a few times in the past and the urges have been quite strong recently.

You can call me Jae
24 ftm from the UK.
I like dance, knitting, and crochet.
MDD, OCD, some sort of trauma/dissociation.
AuDHD
Uni student (2nd attempt)
SHing for ~16years

Apologies for the introduction ramble.
- Jae

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm in my 20's and at this point been through many therapists and therapy types. I started when I was very young. Been locked up in psych units a few times for CTB attempts. Tried many mental health medications and eventually got my life to a very stable position for a good while. I had almost everything i thought would make me happy, which was beyond my expectations for my younger self, but still I was severely unhappy and anxious. I couldn't think of how i could make myself happy anymore. I really tried, but in the end I gave up on life for like the 6th time. This time for good i absolutely won't fail.

I eventually stopped talking to my irl friends cause of my anxiety. So I have no friends. I quit my job and am very scared to get a new one. I hardly talk to my family due to anxiety and other reasons. I have no hopes except CTB at the end of the year when my parent dies or magically have my severe anxiety and depression dissappear plus other issues.


I do have somethings I like to do to occupy myself until I CTB.

1 Video games all kinds!!
2 Movies/TV all kinds!
3 Hiking or exploring new places
4 learning a language
5 Writing
6 Hooking up with random people then sometimes feeling bad about myself
7 Cooking
8 Trying new foods. All kinds!!!!
9 Different stuff on the internet like vocaloid music.
10 Reading various things.