Apologies for the meandering nature of this post. I am trying to get out a lot of unconnected thoughts at once.
I would like to establish expectations by saying I am not actively suicidal and am not possessed by an overwhelming urge to die. But I am filled with despair and anticipatory grief whenever I step outside my home and it makes me think killing myself would be, in some ways, more merciful than continuing to watch all the beautiful things in the world wither and die.
I moved to my current location a decade ago, give or take a few years. It used to be a nice place to live and many could argue it is still better than other locations. But everywhere I go, there is decay and decline. There is more graffiti, more petty crime such as stealing which has led to the introduction of those plastic 'anti theft' devices in supermarkets, more litter, more poverty, more food banks, more open displays of despair, etc.
This also applies to companies. New building constructions are ubiquitous in how ugly and cheaply made they are, and yet they are some of the most expensive houses ever. Absolutely no attempt is made to have these buildings blend in with existing structures (I live in a place with lots of historical buildings) and they are invariably cluttered with the generic 'minimalist' beige/ grey/ white aesthetic that I have come to loathe. It's the equivalent of living inside a wafer. This aesthetic choice has bled into many of the franchises and eateries in the area; all share the same inoffensive colour scheme and have replaced their formerly comfortable chairs with cheap, ugly, and uncomfortable plastic that scream 'pay and get out'. I no longer enjoy window shopping or spending an afternoon in a cafe because most of them are so 'samey' and implicitly hostile now.
To get away from such depressing surroundings, I like to go hiking or spend time in nature with no people around. I am someone who values the environment, but I find that even going to various nature parks or hiking areas can bring out these feelings of anticipatory loss and sadness. Certain routes are being destroyed due to coastal erosion, certain monuments or landmarks will not be there in a few decades, the threat of climate change means many animal and bird and insect species native to this area will struggle or become extinct, etc. I also have to take care to avoid popular routes because of overcrowding and the knowledge that I would be further contributing to the decline of that area if I chose to visit.
Part of me wants to go out and enjoy things while they still exist. Another part just wants to stay at home so I don't have to deal with the strong negative emotions that seeing these social changes brings out in me. Even if you are someone who shuns the outside world to stay online, I've noticed more and more paywalls are being put up in areas that were once free to access. Various news sites or websites, apps, the constant shoving of subscriptions into everything, the increasing inability for things to exist without the creator trying to monetise it, etc (for the record, I do not blame people for trying to make more money in this increasingly difficult living environment. I just find it depressing). Everything is more expensive and you get far less for your money than you once did.
Speaking of finances, it is also increasingly difficult to get and maintain a job. I really feel for teenagers and young people graduating into this utterly atrocious job market—all the entry level grad jobs, the part time retail positions, the warehouse jobs, the ones people are 'supposed' to do for a few years and then move on from, have effectively vanished in my area. I work in a field which was once considered 'recession proof' and 'a job for life' but that all changed a few months after I entered this field, and I'm one of the lucky ones because I got a job whilst many of my fellow graduates really struggled. But even that is cold comfort, for I work in a niche field with few opportunities to transfer these skills elsewhere and I genuinely think I would be screwed if I was laid off or fired. I have no emotional or support network whatsoever so this is a very legitimate concern.
When all these things are taken together (and I haven't even touched upon other threats such as AI), I really struggle to see myself surviving long enough to die of natural causes. It feels like my future will feature me dying of climate change induced issues (such as heatstroke), war (over basic things like food and water which are becoming increasingly expensive), tropical illnesses/ antibiotic-resistant bugs, starvation (from being unemployed with no safety net because I do not believe UBI will ever be established or would even be a good idea to implement), or suicide. I think I would be in better spirits if it was I who had the terminal illness, because at least life would carry on without me, but I find it so difficult to deal with the possibility that the world itself is only getting worse.
The really aggravating part is that everyone else around me is carrying on like everything is normal and society hasn't deteriorated considerably in my lifetime. I feel like I am insane for even noticing or caring about these issues because seemingly nobody else around me does. I do not know how to handle these feelings.
Thank you for reading.
I would like to establish expectations by saying I am not actively suicidal and am not possessed by an overwhelming urge to die. But I am filled with despair and anticipatory grief whenever I step outside my home and it makes me think killing myself would be, in some ways, more merciful than continuing to watch all the beautiful things in the world wither and die.
I moved to my current location a decade ago, give or take a few years. It used to be a nice place to live and many could argue it is still better than other locations. But everywhere I go, there is decay and decline. There is more graffiti, more petty crime such as stealing which has led to the introduction of those plastic 'anti theft' devices in supermarkets, more litter, more poverty, more food banks, more open displays of despair, etc.
This also applies to companies. New building constructions are ubiquitous in how ugly and cheaply made they are, and yet they are some of the most expensive houses ever. Absolutely no attempt is made to have these buildings blend in with existing structures (I live in a place with lots of historical buildings) and they are invariably cluttered with the generic 'minimalist' beige/ grey/ white aesthetic that I have come to loathe. It's the equivalent of living inside a wafer. This aesthetic choice has bled into many of the franchises and eateries in the area; all share the same inoffensive colour scheme and have replaced their formerly comfortable chairs with cheap, ugly, and uncomfortable plastic that scream 'pay and get out'. I no longer enjoy window shopping or spending an afternoon in a cafe because most of them are so 'samey' and implicitly hostile now.
To get away from such depressing surroundings, I like to go hiking or spend time in nature with no people around. I am someone who values the environment, but I find that even going to various nature parks or hiking areas can bring out these feelings of anticipatory loss and sadness. Certain routes are being destroyed due to coastal erosion, certain monuments or landmarks will not be there in a few decades, the threat of climate change means many animal and bird and insect species native to this area will struggle or become extinct, etc. I also have to take care to avoid popular routes because of overcrowding and the knowledge that I would be further contributing to the decline of that area if I chose to visit.
Part of me wants to go out and enjoy things while they still exist. Another part just wants to stay at home so I don't have to deal with the strong negative emotions that seeing these social changes brings out in me. Even if you are someone who shuns the outside world to stay online, I've noticed more and more paywalls are being put up in areas that were once free to access. Various news sites or websites, apps, the constant shoving of subscriptions into everything, the increasing inability for things to exist without the creator trying to monetise it, etc (for the record, I do not blame people for trying to make more money in this increasingly difficult living environment. I just find it depressing). Everything is more expensive and you get far less for your money than you once did.
Speaking of finances, it is also increasingly difficult to get and maintain a job. I really feel for teenagers and young people graduating into this utterly atrocious job market—all the entry level grad jobs, the part time retail positions, the warehouse jobs, the ones people are 'supposed' to do for a few years and then move on from, have effectively vanished in my area. I work in a field which was once considered 'recession proof' and 'a job for life' but that all changed a few months after I entered this field, and I'm one of the lucky ones because I got a job whilst many of my fellow graduates really struggled. But even that is cold comfort, for I work in a niche field with few opportunities to transfer these skills elsewhere and I genuinely think I would be screwed if I was laid off or fired. I have no emotional or support network whatsoever so this is a very legitimate concern.
When all these things are taken together (and I haven't even touched upon other threats such as AI), I really struggle to see myself surviving long enough to die of natural causes. It feels like my future will feature me dying of climate change induced issues (such as heatstroke), war (over basic things like food and water which are becoming increasingly expensive), tropical illnesses/ antibiotic-resistant bugs, starvation (from being unemployed with no safety net because I do not believe UBI will ever be established or would even be a good idea to implement), or suicide. I think I would be in better spirits if it was I who had the terminal illness, because at least life would carry on without me, but I find it so difficult to deal with the possibility that the world itself is only getting worse.
The really aggravating part is that everyone else around me is carrying on like everything is normal and society hasn't deteriorated considerably in my lifetime. I feel like I am insane for even noticing or caring about these issues because seemingly nobody else around me does. I do not know how to handle these feelings.
Thank you for reading.
