Hello.
I go by Beyond Birthday, Backup, or BB, whatever you prefer. I chose the name because I liked the same character from the Death Note novel. He attempted to commit suicide, and I figured it was a fitting name for this place.
I'm young man, currently in my mid 20's. I finished a graduate degree in the chemical / biological / engineering field (sorry, I know it's vague, I just don't want to doxx myself), and currently work in academia, but I hate my job almost as much as myself, so that will probably change soon.
I have a lot of interests, and spend a a good deal less time on them than I would like. I enjoy mnemonic techniques and training. My current record pace for memorizing digits was 90 digits in 5 minutes. I'm also interested in constructed languages, like Ithkuil, Toaq, lojban, or toki pona, but I'm not very good at them. I find origami and card stacking soothing, and I read quite a lot. I prefer Scifi, and I've enjoyed Hanlen a lot, and I've been slowly working through the Harvard Classics. I especially have enjoyed the "Planecrash" series, by Eliezer Yudkowsky. I also play a lot of DND, usually acting as the dungeon master for a few groups of friends.
I play a lot of video games, with and without friends. Mass Effect is one of the greatest series of all time, I love Subnautica and anything marine, Risk of Rain 1 / 2 are amazing games, and I have thousands of hours in TF2. That last one alone might explain a bit about why I'm here, honestly.
My suicidal urges began 12 years ago, during my time in Catholic school. I was a know-it-all, and while I was mostly bearable for others, there was one kid who couldn't stand it during my last school year there. He made my life a living hell for a full year. The teachers failed me, and despite my parents bringing up the issue to the priests, they simply marked it off as "boys will be boys". I hate how cliche that phrase is, but that is literally the exact wording the principal priest used during the meeting I had with him.
Anyway, I oscillated between homicidal and suicidal urges, as this kid would do his best to hurt my feelings, and whenever anyone wasn't looking, hurt me physically. He managed to turn every single member of my class against me, save for 2 that I can remember, meaning I lost most of my friends that year. Eventually, the stress became marked enough that I lost my baby teeth and hollowed out at least one adult tooth due to damage from extreme acid reflux, before my parents pulled me out of the school. It's a wonder that I wasn't an atheist already, given how obviously cruel and indifferent God's clergy were.
Later, my body began to fail me. By the time I was 20, I had developed tinnitus, lost all my hair, most of my sense of taste and smell, and only grew to a very short height. Sub 5'5, but I won't say anything more specific. As you can imagine, my romantic / sexual prospects are mostly zero. Not entirely. I have, on very rare occasions, managed to find a woman who at least pretends to be interested for a maximum of 3 months.
I've gone through a few minor "attempts" now (not sure if you would count starvation, dehydration, or minor bloodloss), and every once in a while been to therapy. No diagnosis, possibly because I never went for very long. I worry that there isn't anything wrong with me, but that anyone in my position would feel this way. But I doubt it, I suspect that I'm probably just weak. I know many people have it much worse. That said, I've mostly come to the conclusion that life could have been worth it, but due to a mix of bad luck and bad decisions, I would have been better off if I succeeded at my first attempt. I'm honestly not sure how long I'll be around here. At the time of writing, I am feeling pretty low, and have been for a considerable length of time.
Apologies for the long and depressing rant. I hope that one way or another, what I have to say can benefit others here, and that you feel free to reach out to talk to me if you'd like to talk about mutual interests, suicidal or otherwise.
. Tried to ctb a few times in the past and the urges have been quite strong recently.
