As my name says I'm Dutch and I was born in 1986. I am also autistic like apparently lost of other people looking to ctb. With any luck I won't be on this site for long
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Hey Guest,
If you want to donate, we have a thread with updated donation options here at this link: About Donations
Myforevercharlie
Global Mod
- Feb 13, 2020
- 2,551
Cryptochirality
New Member
- Jan 26, 2024
- 2
Hi. New here. Been dealing with terrible contamination OCD for almost a year. It has completely stolen my life from me. Don't know what else to say. I used to love videogames and art, meeting new people, traveling, reading books. Now I sleepwalk through existence. Survived an attempt a couple of months ago when SI kicked in, although I still consider it an attempt. The therapy I went into afterwards as part of the local hospital's crisis center didn't help and I hated my therapist.
Hello. I'm thankful to be able to be here. I am completely destroyed by psych meds. Antidepressants and antipsychotics gave me severe PSSD with all emotional, cognitive and sexual symptoms. It feels like I have no soul anymore. I also suffer from chronic pain that I've had since 11 years. Every second of my life is torture and my family doesn't understand or support me. I can't enjoy anything anymore, can't even feel love. I want to leave this earth behind. At least I was able to experience true love in my life before this nightmare.
Cheers.
Cheers.
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skyburials1984
-
- Jan 27, 2024
- 15
Hi, I'm struggling with suicidal ideation due to some trauma that I experienced because I grew up in a strange Christian cult and I experienced some sexual abuse growing up. Unfortunately, this caused me to develop a pervasive pattern of being abusive in my relationships, and I am now suffering from monumental guilt along with the pressures of running my businesses, I just struggle to have the motivation to continue sometimes. I am also struggling with my sexual identity, I'm questioning and struggling with my attraction to younger men. I don't think I'll ever be able to come out because of being surrounded by homophobes in my family and some of my friendships, due to my connections with Christianity.
hail
embrace
- Jan 27, 2024
- 35
hello, i dont know how to exactly begin this but like many of you, i've suffered from chronic debilitating mental health issues for over a decade now, i left school at a very early age due to my emotional distress and became a hiki for a little over 6 years, recently due to familial pressure ive been forced into attending a local college and my mental health has taken a pretty big blow to say the least.
outside of my poor mental health, i make music and do a lot of graphic design work whenever i can, apologies if this seems like a pretty boring introduction but i hope that i can interact with you all as much as i can, feel free to pm me at anytime
outside of my poor mental health, i make music and do a lot of graphic design work whenever i can, apologies if this seems like a pretty boring introduction but i hope that i can interact with you all as much as i can, feel free to pm me at anytime
lurk3r
heelllpp heeelp
- Jan 29, 2024
- 9
hello everyone, I am haunted by my past slip ups. What helps is that a year ago i had a drug induced psychosis where i did some embarrassing and life ruining things. I was unaware I was experiencing psychosis and it went on for months. I haven't gotten over it since. Currently living a hikki lifestyle, no friends and I just want it to end. I enjoy music and I also like to write and draw
I am an empty gas tank, that has been struggling to keep feeding the engine to support the people who rely on me as a vehicle, but unfortunately I am slowly fading and nobody in my circle can understand.
That's not even really accurate. I have no circle, I have one family member who relies on me as they do not want professional care and I possibly have one distant family member who is probably not even real, they won't accept my calls or facetimes, just text. I won't see doctors, don't trust doctors due to some hospital related PTSD from my younger years, I want to be productive and go to back to school and write stories and create art and learn a trade and live where the sweet scent of the sea is at its strongest.
but I will never attain this goal. I cannot stand people, I get anxious and panicky being in public, I cannot drive and I get claustrophobic on buses, trains and planes and the school I want to go to, the dream home, the sea smell is several states away from me.
I have no money, no credit, no references, only negative rental history, about to file bankruptcy, no extended family, no friends, no professional references and too old to be this bad at life. I have nobody to build a life with and no life worth building.
Currently considering the Night Night method. But further research is required.
That's not even really accurate. I have no circle, I have one family member who relies on me as they do not want professional care and I possibly have one distant family member who is probably not even real, they won't accept my calls or facetimes, just text. I won't see doctors, don't trust doctors due to some hospital related PTSD from my younger years, I want to be productive and go to back to school and write stories and create art and learn a trade and live where the sweet scent of the sea is at its strongest.
but I will never attain this goal. I cannot stand people, I get anxious and panicky being in public, I cannot drive and I get claustrophobic on buses, trains and planes and the school I want to go to, the dream home, the sea smell is several states away from me.
I have no money, no credit, no references, only negative rental history, about to file bankruptcy, no extended family, no friends, no professional references and too old to be this bad at life. I have nobody to build a life with and no life worth building.
Currently considering the Night Night method. But further research is required.
Bremer
Member
- Feb 2, 2024
- 9
I've been with you all for some time now. You couldn't see or hear me, as I was a guest to your forum, that I eventually found after quite some research. Was looking for methods to ctb, which is no easy thing to do when anything to do with it is being censored by the country you life in. I feel like my whole existence is kinda censored, too. People look at me and admire me for my strength, find that I must be happy and feel the need to open up to me with their ridiculous problems, that I don't want to know about.
But they fail to truly see me. They cannot see that I am numb, sometimes am unable to feel any emotion and that I am broken. The loneliness in my life seems to have eaten up my soul. What people see in me is what they want to see, but I feel invisible.
You know what?
Only after I found you here, I now have the feeling there might be someone out there who might be able to see me. Someone knowing that "you will come over it" and "look at you, you can make it" doesn't make you feel better. Being seen maybe does. So hello everybody and thank you for allowing me to get in touch with you.
But they fail to truly see me. They cannot see that I am numb, sometimes am unable to feel any emotion and that I am broken. The loneliness in my life seems to have eaten up my soul. What people see in me is what they want to see, but I feel invisible.
You know what?
Only after I found you here, I now have the feeling there might be someone out there who might be able to see me. Someone knowing that "you will come over it" and "look at you, you can make it" doesn't make you feel better. Being seen maybe does. So hello everybody and thank you for allowing me to get in touch with you.
HereTomorrow
eternally atoning
- Feb 1, 2024
- 174
I found this forum a while ago and I couldn't feel more welcome. I've been struggling with SI for almost a decade with a failed attempt and finally starting to recover from these urges a few months ago...
Some days are good, others not so much. The urge to CTB hits me the most when I look at my past regrets alone and realizing I'm a burden to almost everyone I know, even though they tell me I'm not. I fight every single day for a reason not to CTB, and have been winning so far.
Whenever I'm not slaving at a 9-5 I go to the arcade or draw, so my life is pretty boring.
Some days are good, others not so much. The urge to CTB hits me the most when I look at my past regrets alone and realizing I'm a burden to almost everyone I know, even though they tell me I'm not. I fight every single day for a reason not to CTB, and have been winning so far.
Whenever I'm not slaving at a 9-5 I go to the arcade or draw, so my life is pretty boring.
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drearysunrise
Member
- Feb 3, 2024
- 5
Hi everyone. I'm 24 NB and I've been suicidal for over a decade now, dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't, hence the username. I've got pretty much nothing and no one in my life so I don't have much to say about myself. But I worked up the nerve to join here after lurking on and off for quite some time, so I guess I just wanted to reach out and say hi. It's given me such a sense of relief to even see a space where people talk about suicide out in the open like this
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Silent Raindrops
The Darkness Awaits Me
- Feb 3, 2024
- 262
Hi all... 54 m East Coast USA
I have been suicidal most my life due to depression and anxiety, and as I get older, it gets worse. I'm now at my breaking point and just want to get life done and overwith. I hate life and am one of the many who wishes to have never been born.
I have been suicidal most my life due to depression and anxiety, and as I get older, it gets worse. I'm now at my breaking point and just want to get life done and overwith. I hate life and am one of the many who wishes to have never been born.
metallic
New Member
- Feb 5, 2024
- 2
hi im new here
i like journaling and writing and
i like journaling and writing and
return.
Member
- Feb 4, 2024
- 48
Hello. My name is return. I enjoy playing the acoustic guitar, and I also enjoy reading.
gitgudgab
Member
- Feb 6, 2024
- 5
Hi. New here!
I don't want to be in this world anymore. I don't know how to ask for help and don't have the resources and the willpower to try to make things better. This life isn't worth living anyway. People suck. Everyone's just out there for themselves. Peace out!
:)
I don't want to be in this world anymore. I don't know how to ask for help and don't have the resources and the willpower to try to make things better. This life isn't worth living anyway. People suck. Everyone's just out there for themselves. Peace out!
:)
Proteus
Oceanic Member
- Feb 6, 2024
- 299
Hi people! I'm actually not suicidal, but I firmly believe in the right to die and wanted to contribute to the discussion. I hope I'm welcome anyway :)
Skallagrim
Member
- Apr 14, 2022
- 11
Hello.
I've been lurking for a while, but I've actually been too shy to say anything.
I lost a dear friend recently (of the feline variety) and I just needed to communicate something, anything, to someone, anyone. So hi.
I've been lurking for a while, but I've actually been too shy to say anything.
I lost a dear friend recently (of the feline variety) and I just needed to communicate something, anything, to someone, anyone. So hi.
restless.dreams
Member (she/her)
- Feb 7, 2024
- 224
Hi all, just joined this community and wanted to introduce myself! I'm 25F and I have been depressed and suicidal on and off for a long time. When I'm not plotting my own demise (lol), my interests include books, art, nature, horror movies, and classic rock. I also have two cats who are the center of my life.
My username comes from one of my favorite songs, "The Sound of Silence," and my profile picture is Sappho by Charles Mengin, because I'm a sad lesbian. Maybe some here can relate? Anyway, nice to meet you all! :)
My username comes from one of my favorite songs, "The Sound of Silence," and my profile picture is Sappho by Charles Mengin, because I'm a sad lesbian. Maybe some here can relate? Anyway, nice to meet you all! :)
DeathGivesFreedom
Life is a choice. Death is my answer.
- Jan 19, 2024
- 70
I was born into the cult of scientology. My upbringing was very much full of isolation. I first began feeling suicidal at the age of 10, I'm 32 now. It all began when my dad started making some good money. He shipped me off to boarding school for a full year when I was 10. I was so very homesick, had no friends there and their schooling program was weird as fuck because, I think, it was based off the teachings of scientology. Suffice to say, I did not excel at learning in that environment. I tried everything to go home, and then the magical word of suicide popped into my head and off I went.
I returned home, went to some scientology program for trouble kids for a few months, that did nothing and I went back home. I stayed out of school for 5 years because the school that I was going to at home was.. surprise surprise.. affiliated with scientology. Because my dad didn't want to pay for the full year of tuition for the boarding school, my private school wouldn't accept me back unless it was paid off. Public school wasn't even considered because my parents feared that they would put me on psych meds. Thanks dad.
So I'm home alone, gaming, learning from online weirdos and people. I didn't think much of it at the time, sure I missed hanging out with friends like I used to, but this was a "fine" alternative.. Shortly into my prison stint, my dad quit his job because he thought he was the shit and could make it on his own. He didn't. My mom quit shortly after. Blah blah blah, my dad comes up with genius ideas to make a lot of money, never worked. He spent all our money on his ideas and porn and shit. We ate garbage, fed the dogs rice and beans.
Now I'm 15! Do I get another shot at learning? Probably not. Dad sends my mom and I to a hole in the wall boarding school. My mom works there so I can attend. Shortly after, he divorces my mom, leaving her totally fucked and penniless. There's no schooling program, just chores and shit. Had some fun, nothing major happened. Went back "home" after 10 months. Went to a tiny school and learned.. I think
also my mom is working there.. so I can attend. Money problems! Fuck money man.
She hooks up with this weird dude, I tell her there's something off about him, she doesn't listen. Cool. He's a diehard scientologist, fucked up in his head. So, my mom gets fired and I have to leave school, again. We move in with weirdo, I do some online scientology program for my diploma. Fuck that shit, I feel cheated out of my learnings! Now I'm just sitting home with no goals or aspirations.
My dad reaches out after being out of my life for about 3 years now. He tells me he got married and wants me to visit him, so I do. I end up staying with him for 6 months. While I'm there I join staff at the scientology org there. All is well and fine until I tell his wife about his porn addiction. The next morning I'm living in a hostile environment, she hates my guts, dad is angry at me, life sucks now. I want to go back home. No one listens to me until I threaten suicide.
So now I'm back home, I'm 19, join staff again, had some fun, grew to hate it, threatened suicide and they let me go. I did some scientology courses here and there, lots of money down the drain. That shit is expensive and does nothing. So I stay home gaming until I'm 24. Join staff at a different org, same story, threaten suicide, let go.
Now I'm 28 or 29, we eventually had to sell the house because of major debt, scientology swooped in and took their cut from the sale of the house??? Ok.. We move into an expensive apartment because my step-dad is crazy dumb and needed to be in the same area. My mom is constantly being badgered by scientology to buy their services, to which she can't say no or else get in trouble. So we're in the red, constantly circling the drain.
When covid hit is when I woke up to scientology being a cult. I lost my life's purpose. I always felt if I could just fix my problems or get better in whatever way, I could be accepted into the community for once and join the sea org (Hardcore scientologists that devote their life to the cause. Essentially slaves). I tried telling my mom, she was on the fence, but still believed in the teachings. Whatever I guess.
So now I'm 32. My mom takes a turn for the worse, collapses, goes to the hospital and it turns out she has diabetes that she never told me about. She left it untreated. They also discover a large mass in her pelvic area. They stabilize her and send her to a nursing home. I have to take over the finances as my step-dad is an imbecile and doesn't know shit about shit. Neither do I, but I'm the hero of the story, so surely I can be forgiven, right?
Anyways living with dumb dumb by myself becomes a nightmare. He cracks and crumbles, gets hospitalized, his daughter comes into the picture, how convenient. She's evil, fucks me over any way she can. She takes him to live with her, now I'm alone. Can't pay 3600 a month by myself. I move out, best friend blocks me. Time moves on to the jolly month of December. I learn that my mom has terminal cancer. Fml. I learn of SS about a month ago, start researching SN. I have a short lived hope until I skip through that massive fucking thread and find out SN is banned in the US. My mom died 2 weeks ago. Now I'm alone.
What to do.. what to do..
I returned home, went to some scientology program for trouble kids for a few months, that did nothing and I went back home. I stayed out of school for 5 years because the school that I was going to at home was.. surprise surprise.. affiliated with scientology. Because my dad didn't want to pay for the full year of tuition for the boarding school, my private school wouldn't accept me back unless it was paid off. Public school wasn't even considered because my parents feared that they would put me on psych meds. Thanks dad.
So I'm home alone, gaming, learning from online weirdos and people. I didn't think much of it at the time, sure I missed hanging out with friends like I used to, but this was a "fine" alternative.. Shortly into my prison stint, my dad quit his job because he thought he was the shit and could make it on his own. He didn't. My mom quit shortly after. Blah blah blah, my dad comes up with genius ideas to make a lot of money, never worked. He spent all our money on his ideas and porn and shit. We ate garbage, fed the dogs rice and beans.
Now I'm 15! Do I get another shot at learning? Probably not. Dad sends my mom and I to a hole in the wall boarding school. My mom works there so I can attend. Shortly after, he divorces my mom, leaving her totally fucked and penniless. There's no schooling program, just chores and shit. Had some fun, nothing major happened. Went back "home" after 10 months. Went to a tiny school and learned.. I think
also my mom is working there.. so I can attend. Money problems! Fuck money man. She hooks up with this weird dude, I tell her there's something off about him, she doesn't listen. Cool. He's a diehard scientologist, fucked up in his head. So, my mom gets fired and I have to leave school, again. We move in with weirdo, I do some online scientology program for my diploma. Fuck that shit, I feel cheated out of my learnings! Now I'm just sitting home with no goals or aspirations.
My dad reaches out after being out of my life for about 3 years now. He tells me he got married and wants me to visit him, so I do. I end up staying with him for 6 months. While I'm there I join staff at the scientology org there. All is well and fine until I tell his wife about his porn addiction. The next morning I'm living in a hostile environment, she hates my guts, dad is angry at me, life sucks now. I want to go back home. No one listens to me until I threaten suicide.
So now I'm back home, I'm 19, join staff again, had some fun, grew to hate it, threatened suicide and they let me go. I did some scientology courses here and there, lots of money down the drain. That shit is expensive and does nothing. So I stay home gaming until I'm 24. Join staff at a different org, same story, threaten suicide, let go.
Now I'm 28 or 29, we eventually had to sell the house because of major debt, scientology swooped in and took their cut from the sale of the house??? Ok.. We move into an expensive apartment because my step-dad is crazy dumb and needed to be in the same area. My mom is constantly being badgered by scientology to buy their services, to which she can't say no or else get in trouble. So we're in the red, constantly circling the drain.
When covid hit is when I woke up to scientology being a cult. I lost my life's purpose. I always felt if I could just fix my problems or get better in whatever way, I could be accepted into the community for once and join the sea org (Hardcore scientologists that devote their life to the cause. Essentially slaves). I tried telling my mom, she was on the fence, but still believed in the teachings. Whatever I guess.
So now I'm 32. My mom takes a turn for the worse, collapses, goes to the hospital and it turns out she has diabetes that she never told me about. She left it untreated. They also discover a large mass in her pelvic area. They stabilize her and send her to a nursing home. I have to take over the finances as my step-dad is an imbecile and doesn't know shit about shit. Neither do I, but I'm the hero of the story, so surely I can be forgiven, right?
Anyways living with dumb dumb by myself becomes a nightmare. He cracks and crumbles, gets hospitalized, his daughter comes into the picture, how convenient. She's evil, fucks me over any way she can. She takes him to live with her, now I'm alone. Can't pay 3600 a month by myself. I move out, best friend blocks me. Time moves on to the jolly month of December. I learn that my mom has terminal cancer. Fml. I learn of SS about a month ago, start researching SN. I have a short lived hope until I skip through that massive fucking thread and find out SN is banned in the US. My mom died 2 weeks ago. Now I'm alone.
What to do.. what to do..
druggedonsurvival
Student
- Feb 8, 2024
- 194
Hello everyone, like a lot of people in this thread I'm new here, but I've been aware of this forum since before the subreddit r/sanctionedsuicide was banned - that was my introduction to SS. I'm a 23 year old guy and have been suicidal on and off since 15 but never tried it. I have no plans to ctb anytime soon and want to get better, but like a lot of us here I do feel despondent often. Overall I'm just hoping to find some community here with people who know what it's like to be constantly weighed down by depression, and maybe a place to vent.
imanaya
coward
- Feb 7, 2024
- 8
Hello.
I signed up because I'm feeling very depressed and hopeless about life. Only my fear of death is keeping me alive. So I thought that interacting with like-minded individuals could be nice.
I signed up because I'm feeling very depressed and hopeless about life. Only my fear of death is keeping me alive. So I thought that interacting with like-minded individuals could be nice.
I've experienced more trauma as a child, teen, and an adult than I care to stay sober for.
Mid 40's, twice divorced, no kids. Multiple failed overdoses. Multiple depression hospitalizations. Multiple years of struggling through painful humiliating talk therapy. Tried various depression/anxiety/PTSD meds. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable and out of place at best. I'm tired of trying to get through the day, each day. Ready to CTB.
Mid 40's, twice divorced, no kids. Multiple failed overdoses. Multiple depression hospitalizations. Multiple years of struggling through painful humiliating talk therapy. Tried various depression/anxiety/PTSD meds. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable and out of place at best. I'm tired of trying to get through the day, each day. Ready to CTB.
preacheroffalsehood
The tongue that reeks deceit.
- Feb 3, 2024
- 7
Greetings people of choice,
I am a delusional person who has deemed myself unworthy of this world, thus with my benevolence, I shall rid myself from this world and bless the masses with my departure despite my aforementioned unworthiness of the self!
Jokes aside, I didn't realize there's an introduction thread so I figured I should do it. My username (admittedly edgy) is sort of what I considered myself to be as I lied a lot, especially to myself. It could also be interpreted as being a writer as I write fantasy fiction short stories, channeling those daydreams I deemed as lies.
Anyway, that's it about myself! Need to go back to researching ways to CTB lest I procrastinate again... Damn you, procrastination!
I am a delusional person who has deemed myself unworthy of this world, thus with my benevolence, I shall rid myself from this world and bless the masses with my departure despite my aforementioned unworthiness of the self!
Jokes aside, I didn't realize there's an introduction thread so I figured I should do it. My username (admittedly edgy) is sort of what I considered myself to be as I lied a lot, especially to myself. It could also be interpreted as being a writer as I write fantasy fiction short stories, channeling those daydreams I deemed as lies.
Anyway, that's it about myself! Need to go back to researching ways to CTB lest I procrastinate again... Damn you, procrastination!
Hello, i just turned 26 and i have been suffering from trauma and loneliness for over a decade. Lately especially i have been very lonely, as i lost some friends i had online. I go back and forth with suicidal thoughts, sometimes i think i should stick around a bit longer and try to recover, but i don't know if there is any point in that anymore. I like music, movies and some sports, i don't have many hobbies overall.
astonishedturnip
Like Christine Chubbuck, but sadder
- Jan 16, 2024
- 129
Hello everyone! 29 and a lurker here for a few months before starting an account. First thought about CTB in middle school due to horrendous, nonstop bullying -- clearly remember brushing my hair in the mirror and thinking, "I should do it and blame all my bullies in my suicide note." Fortunately didn't go through with it then (they wouldn't have cared at all) but have struggled with thoughts on-and-off ever since. Watching my parents nearing/hitting retirement age has been rough and I joined to peruse honest dialogue in case my inevitable grief is unbearable, since I found Reddit unhelpful.
Kisses to all on this Valentine's Day Eve!
Kisses to all on this Valentine's Day Eve!
Shrike
My pain isn't yours to harvest.
- Feb 13, 2024
- 95
Hello all. I'm yet another autistic, often feeling too autistic for other autistics. As you might guess, alienation is my primary problem and motivator for CTB.
I'm trying to focus these days less on what society wants me to do (be a "productive", "meek", and "social" member) and more on the few things I personally enjoy. I like sci-fi, books, and movies. Trying to write my own sci-fi novel right now. I've also for some reason started learning to play the violin.
I'm trying to focus these days less on what society wants me to do (be a "productive", "meek", and "social" member) and more on the few things I personally enjoy. I like sci-fi, books, and movies. Trying to write my own sci-fi novel right now. I've also for some reason started learning to play the violin.
kotonearisato
momento mori
- Feb 13, 2024
- 32
Hey everyone. I'm 27, and as many, a lurker for a long time before making my own account. I've thought about CTB since I was a child due to some heavy trauma - attempted multiple times in my teenage years. Due to that heavy trauma I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 15. I've also recently been diagnosed with a genetic condition, which definitely explains a lot about my lifelong medical issues but does not help much with the desire to keep going. Only thing keeping me here most days is my husband.
I also have had five friends over my lifetime choose to CTB, and I miss them all terribly every day. I finally joined as things have been steadily going downhill in my life for awhile now, and the discussion here is always much more understanding than other forums for similar topics. Other things... well, I like video games a lot. I do a lot of reading and writing as my other main hobby, am also a bit of a music nerd. I used to play piano, but can't really do that due to how my genetic condition effects me, so... oh well, I guess.
I also have had five friends over my lifetime choose to CTB, and I miss them all terribly every day. I finally joined as things have been steadily going downhill in my life for awhile now, and the discussion here is always much more understanding than other forums for similar topics. Other things... well, I like video games a lot. I do a lot of reading and writing as my other main hobby, am also a bit of a music nerd. I used to play piano, but can't really do that due to how my genetic condition effects me, so... oh well, I guess.
ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 2,447
Hi, there's nothing really special or interesting to me. I don't really have a personality to me aside from wanting to be dead. I have no interests or hobbies that I do during my spare time. That's all there is to me honestly. I just wish to be dead... there's nothing else to me
Hi everyone. I'm a 24 year old university student studying to become a nurse, although whether or not I'll bother sticking around to graduate is a whole other story. My hobbys include baking pastries and desserts, watching anime, playing video games, and working out though recently I mostly do these just to pass the time instead of out of enjoyment. I've suffered with depression and SI off and on for almost a decade and have had several failed attempts in the past. Talking to people about this stuff has always been difficult because, despite society trying to destigmatize mental health, I've found that most people really don't care as much as they think they do. So I'm glad I found this community. It's hard to find a supportive community these days that actually understands and relates to you. I hope to get to know as many of you as I can before I ctb.
