Introduce yourself

[silent.desperation]

I'm a 40+ year old male currently living in Europe. Experienced various childhood traumas. Abandoned by my parents and siblings at 17. Married at 20 with a child. Divorced by 22. I know that from the outside, I'm seen as a successful entrepreneur but it's just been a way to hide from my feelings by throwing myself into making money. I've been dead inside for decades and just feel constantly exhausted and bereft of joy or contentment. All my relationships have gone bust, especially with my kids. Once I stopped paying, they never looked back. Lovely! I've never attempted to CTB before but I've experienced SI for many years. Confusing times. Happy to have found this forum and some like-minded individuals...

 

[Shetly]

I am in my 40s and am severely disabled.
Despite my disability, I'm actually doing well, I have a job and no money problems.
I still live at home with my parents, but that's just because of my disability.

I don't have to take any medication and as far as I know I don't suffer from depression.

The fact that I am here in the forum is not because I want to do CTB.
I just want the opportunity to do it if my disability gets worse at some point.

I would like to travel and see lots of new things, but that is not possible for me.
That's why I like to watch travel videos on YouTube or videos where people simply drive through cities with their dashcams.

It might sound crazy to some, but I try to make the best of it.

 

[Angel of Spades]

Oh wow I just realized I never introduced myself despite being here for a period of time now.
You can call me Angel or Spades, it's up to you! I use whatever pronouns make the joke work, no preferences.

I can play 3 instruments—piano, violin, and guitar—but I have no doubt I could pick up more if I so desired. Other than that, I'm a big fan of cats although I am mildly allergic; when I was younger, I always told myself I'd get a snake as a pet in the far future instead, because I'm in love with the faces boa constrictors have I mean come on.

I'm on SaSu because despite the fact that I enjoy plenty of aspects of my life, there are too many overbearing, overwhelming things I've had to experience that weigh down on me far heavier than any sort of happiness would be able to alleviate. You'll find me most prominently in the Suicide Discussion forum, but I'm only active about once or twice a week, sometimes less often.

Anyone who wants to rant or wants to listen to any of my stories is free to reach out to me! Or, if you wanna talk about anything else, I'm always happy to make new friends :)

 

[amaluuk]

Name's amaluuk (reference to BLACK SNOW, a HL2EP2 mod I really liked as a kid, although I guess I still am since I'm only 18). I'm here because among other reasons I've had trouble being able to find meaning in life after my stint as a preschool porn star came to an end many moons ago, and I've been stuck with unwanted hebephilic attractions that I cannot shake and would rather nip in the bud before I get to a point where I might not have as much control over them as I do now.

I once read somewhere that if certain things happen to you as a kid then you have the two options of either a) being depressed/suicide or b) becoming a pedophile. Considering where my mind has been going (or has been for some time, these attractions have always been there they just haven't gone away) I'm going to go with the first option and CTB while my conscience is still clear. I don't buy into the notion that thoughts =/= actions (at the very least it's not such a clean separation) and even if I sought help I would be faced with legal consequences and the measures necessary for the state to ensure I can't harm others would make my life practically unbearable. The worst part is that as I get older I might actually need those measures, and I really don't wanna see that.

(I've even looked into things like "virtuous pedophiles" but their forums are a bit too far even for me. Like I said I don't want to embrace this shit, I want to be free from it. I had to check out from even that place when I saw a girl whose forum signature casually mentioned her age of attraction were 0-1 year olds. I think the worst part is that I could picture it, might have even come close to something like understanding. No thanks.)

 

[cece3535]

I never knew there was an introduction thread, I might as well even though I'm not sure how long i'll stick around. I'm a boy in his early 20s, I like art and animals mostly, I've always wanted to take care of lots of animals. I play video games in my free time and occasionally i like to curl up with a good book. Everyone i've met and talked to so far has made me feel so much more less alone and i'm so thankful for it, i'm happy i found SS :D

 

[uselessman]

I am male 55. married 3 times, kids with different women. Kids don't talk to me, current wife wants a divorce. My mother was a bad person, her and her boyfriend abused my sister and I. I was less than 3, I really don't remember much. my sister who was 5 years older I feel had it the worst. We were raised by a single father who himself had childhood issues. He did the best he could and gave me more than I deserved. He carried so much guilt for bringing me into that world and suffered from depression as I do. He was such a good man. I cared for him for the last 6 years of his life. I wish I could have given him more.

I have had many different jobs/businesses/hobbies, currently live alone on a small farm with chickens, I haven't spoken to very many people for years. I have considered CTB a few times in the past. I have not set a date for myself yet. I am learning about the methods. I want it to be when I am ready and how I want.

My decision has already started bringing me peace and finding this forum is very nice. Thank you all for being here. At least we can support each other.

 

[migimortis]

Hi all. Hikikomori in my 20's. Been hiki for at least 6 years. Severe social anxiety and suicidal ideation. Even more severe anhedonia Recovering alcoholic. Have no IRL friends or online friends. Briefly connected with a childhood friend about 4 years ago pre pandemic, but they thought I was a loser due to me being a shutin and we stopped talking. Since then, I've have had almost no social contact with anyone IRL and my mind has became increasingly darker. I don't talk to my family because of embarrassment regarding the fact I failed in life. Due to crippling anhedonia, I don't really have any hobbies. 50/50 chance I'll be homeless this year. I have a feeling this will be the year I finally leave.

I joined because of loneliness, wherever I go people say "it get's better", but for me, it's only gotten worse. When you spend years and years isolated, your self image becomes distored & dark thoughts creep in. I hope joining this community may help alleviate my cabin fever.

I wish I could put something nice so as not to frighten people away from talking to me but I honestly don't have much good to say about myself. Feel free to message me if you wana talk, about anything. I don't mind if you're trans, disabled, bpd, mongolian or whatever, doors open. I can be shy though so please be nice :)

 

[deadeyesnowman]

Frosty, 31... Male.

Somewhere smack dab in the Philippines. Depression sufferer and perpetual negative thinker. Failed artist/illustrator. Also a gamer but I incline towards old videogames. Currently unemployed - hoping to get somewhere with my innate skills but the job market only want their perfect unicorns employees.

Ended up registering here in hopes to find solutions or if not, a way to finally leave this miserable world.

 

[omegas82128]

Hi, I am 25. Been suicidal for most of my life.
I love art and story telling a lot. Existence has been so fucking awful. But Films, Games, Anime, Literature and Manga has made it survivable.
I wanted to make a pro-choice game about suicide, but I'm out of willpower. The emptiness has grown so much.
I have decided to end it in about 2 weeks. Here's to hoping it all works out

 

[SnakesButNoLadder]

Male from the UK, and when I was a teenager had a apprenticeship where I was severely bullied. Sent into a panic attack every week or two. I was supposed to get training but the timesheet was fraudulently filled out. My shyster boss stole subsidy money meant for me, and kept it for himself - I was just full-time cheap labour, then hung out to try.

I complained to my corrupt college hoping for "genuine efforts" and they gave me fake promises. Complained on a Friday, they closed the investigation on the Monday - I'd love to know how the college fucking investigated a company that works "weekdays" over the "weekend" the fraudsters.

Afterwards I was stalked by my old employment. I started to receive emails, and worst of all I was stalked on dating apps. I already felt insecure on dating apps but then I started being harassed. Had to call the police four times in a seven month period, and they were pretty callous.

I was referred to victim support, registered with my CMHT. I haven't had much support. And I've been scared to leave the house, and I've had little support from friends. I've had to change my name because of the stalking.

I only had one opportunity and it was used up by someone else. That's why my name is "Snakes No Ladders".

I'm 25 now, and this has been my life since I was a teenager. It's a sad existence, that's only going to get worse.

( If your story is similar, please PM me. )

 

[Teacher]

Hello, thank you for approving my account. I'm Teacher because... Well, because that is what I do to make money and, honestly, I like my job(s). Been a lurker for around 3 years, since my wife left me. Felt worse, felt better, but some recent events made my depression strike again. Contemplating ctb, but not sure yet. Soon to be 30 y.o. I like jazz, videogames and rollerblading. Also, English is not my native language, so please don't go nuclear on me (but I'm always glad to learn). Hope to find here some sense of belonging or even to have a good time before the bus comes. Would be glad to chat!

 

[drapperxyz]

34M, have been lurking for a few months now. I've been dealing with this for the past 20+ years and really want everything to end. I've tried everything to get well and nothing works. I resent all of the time and effort I have to put in to even want to be on this earth. I'm from Europe and recently moved to another city in a different country for a few weeks to get some space and decide what I want to do.

I tried to CTB during summer, but SI and trying to build up the nerve to aggresively harm myself was too hard. Burning my note was devastating. I'm trying to work out two methods to attempt and I'm telling myself to at least try to be hopeful about an out.

I'm glad to be here with you all, this is a great resource and I hope we all get the peace we deserve

 

[itchygator]

I'm a 36 year old divorced, single, manic depressive recovering addict.
I drove my car into a tree one night on my way to score. I woke up paralyzed from chest down. I pushed others away feeling sorry for myself and causing my wife to divorce me, take my son and move on.
I'm now bed ridden living with my grandma and her cocky ass dog. Antidepressants have kept me from losing my shit. I literally have to manipulate myself to find a reason to why I shouldn't quit. As odd as it may sound, I keep my pistol by my bed in case someone should rob try to rob us. Of course it would happen on a "good day". That's just what I've come to learn.
But, I'm glad to have found a place like this tho.
The last time I've chatted on computers was thru America online lol.
I don't really trust leaving my life on social media like everyone else does.
But whatever. We could all use something to distract us while we can.

I am in my 40s and am severely disabled.
Despite my disability, I'm actually doing well, I have a job and no money problems.
I still live at home with my parents, but that's just because of my disability.

I don't have to take any medication and as far as I know I don't suffer from depression.

The fact that I am here in the forum is not because I want to do CTB.
I just want the opportunity to do it if my disability gets worse at some point.

I would like to travel and see lots of new things, but that is not possible for me.
That's why I like to watch travel videos on YouTube or videos where people simply drive through cities with their dashcams.

It might sound crazy to some, but I try to make the best of it.

I do the same thing. Living through other peoples adventures and road trips on tv.

I am male 55. married 3 times, kids with different women. Kids don't talk to me, current wife wants a divorce. My mother was a bad person, her and her boyfriend abused my sister and I. I was less than 3, I really don't remember much. my sister who was 5 years older I feel had it the worst. We were raised by a single father who himself had childhood issues. He did the best he could and gave me more than I deserved. He carried so much guilt for bringing me into that world and suffered from depression as I do. He was such a good man. I cared for him for the last 6 years of his life. I wish I could have given him more.

I have had many different jobs/businesses/hobbies, currently live alone on a small farm with chickens, I haven't spoken to very many people for years. I have considered CTB a few times in the past. I have not set a date for myself yet. I am learning about the methods. I want it to be when I am ready and how I want.

My decision has already started bringing me peace and finding this forum is very nice. Thank you all for being here. At least we can support each other.

Too bad chickens can't talk. If they could they would say "you're worth it man"

 

[Kimlett]

I'm a 29yo male from Europe. My life is ok I guess, but my brain is broken. Everything is sad and painful. I still enjoy some things like music, horror movies, videogames and spending time with people I love. I totally want to ctb but I can't because it would destroy my family. I am trying to recover with all my strenght. Thanks for reading.

 

[itchygator]

I'm a 36 year old divorced, single, manic depressive recovering addict.
I drove my car into a tree one night on my way to score. I woke up paralyzed from chest down. I pushed others away feeling sorry for myself and causing my wife to divorce me, take my son and move on.
I'm now bed ridden living with my grandma and her cocky ass dog. Antidepressants have kept me from losing my shit. I literally have to manipulate myself to find a reason to why I shouldn't quit. As odd as it may sound, I keep my pistol by my bed in case someone should rob try to rob us. Of course it would happen on a "good day". That's just what I've come to learn.
But, I'm glad to have found a place like this tho.
The last time I've chatted on computers was thru America online lol.
I don't really trust leaving my life on social media like everyone else does.
But whatever. We could all use something to distract us while we can.

I do the same thing. Living through other peoples adventures and road trips on tv.

Too bad chickens can't talk. If they could they would say "you're worth it man"

I'm a 36 year old divorced, single, manic depressive recovering addict.
I drove my car into a tree one night on my way to score. I woke up paralyzed from chest down. I pushed others away feeling sorry for myself and causing my wife to divorce me, take my son and move on.
I'm now bed ridden living with my grandma and her cocky ass dog. Antidepressants have kept me from losing my shit. I literally have to manipulate myself to find a reason to why I shouldn't quit. As odd as it may sound, I keep my pistol by my bed in case someone should rob try to rob us. Of course it would happen on a "good day". That's just what I've come to learn.
But, I'm glad to have found a place like this tho.
The last time I've chatted on computers was thru America online lol.
I don't really trust leaving my life on social media like everyone else does.
But whatever. We could all use something to distract us while we can.

I do the same thing. Living through other peoples adventures and road trips on tv.

Too bad chickens can't talk. If they could they would say "you're worth it man"

A show that always does the trick for me is "600 pound life". It's makes me feel like things could be worse.

 

[SmallKoy]

Hello,

I'm SmallKoy. I'm mostly here in search of a safe space to discuss various topics and maybe find nice people to interact with as well. I'm not sure how I should really be introducing myself here, but here are some of my interests: video games, music, Dungeons & Dragons, audio engineering, collecting, politics, philosophy and also reading. I learned of the existence of this site due to "that one video" everyone here is aware of. At the time, I really thought this website was quite scary and my mental health was not nearly as bad at the time. As of now, I no longer feel that way but I still disagree with many conversations that take place here, though I am not here to critisize. I'm here in search of a safe space like most others. I have never really been active in a forum before but I plan to hopefully be active here. Can't wait to interact with the community and feel free to PM me at any time.

 

[wondering&wandering]

Hello,

I'm SmallKoy. I'm mostly here in search of a safe space to discuss various topics and maybe find nice people to interact with as well. I'm not sure how I should really be introducing myself here, but here are some of my interests: video games, music, Dungeons & Dragons, audio engineering, collecting, politics, philosophy and also reading.

Nice to meet you!

I actually just recently got into audio engineering myself. I ended up going with Ableton. I still have lots to learn, lol.

 

[SmallKoy]

That's awesome, I currently use FL but at some point would love to transition to Ableton. What kind of music do you like?

 

[wondering&wandering]

That's awesome, I currently use FL but at some point would love to transition to Ableton.

Oh nice! I've heard good things about FL, but to be honest I don't know the differences among different DAWs.

What kind of music do you like?

I love a ton of different bands/genres, but if I had to narrow it down to three:
(1) Dream Pop: Beach House, Still Corners, & Palace
(2) Atmospheric/Soulful: Low Roar, Low Hum, Tame Impala
(3) Folk/Indie: Gregory & the Hawk, Kate Bollinger, & Yowler

Funnily enough most of them are considered "alternative/indie," so my labels might not be quite right, but it helps sort them out instead of lumping them all together.

It's honestly a lot of music to sort through, and I'll bet you have others things you want to do with in your life, so I'll just list a few of my favorite songs from each:
(1) Dream Pop: Beach House - Pink Funeral
(2) Atmospheric/Soulful: Low Hum - Comatose
(3) Folk/Indie: Yowler - Go

 

[SmallKoy]

Oh nice! I've heard good things about FL, but to be honest I don't know the differences among different DAWs.

I love a ton of different bands/genres, but if I had to narrow it down to three:
(1) Dream Pop: Beach House, Still Corners, & Palace
(2) Atmospheric/Soulful: Low Roar, Low Hum, Tame Impala
(3) Folk/Indie: Gregory & the Hawk, Kate Bollinger, & Yowler

Funnily enough most of them are considered "alternative/indie," so my labels might not be quite right, but it helps sort them out instead of lumping them all together.

It's honestly a lot of music to sort through, and I'll bet you have others things you want to do with in your life, so I'll just list a few of my favorite songs from each:
(1) Dream Pop: Beach House - Pink Funeral
(2) Atmospheric/Soulful: Low Hum - Comatose
(3) Folk/Indie: Yowler - Go

Just realized I didn't use the reply feature properly before when I replied to you lol, oops. I took a listen and I loved Comatose. The other songs were good too but Comatose is definitely my favourite of the ones you listed. I like a variety of genres too but I would say my most listened are probably metal, electronic and breakcore/drum & bass. If you would like to listen (no pressure), I'll list a few songs as well:

Metal: Darren Korb - The Painful Way (Not completely a metal song, but since you like more atmospheric stuff, I decided to list this one for this genre).
Electronic: Grimes - Genesis
Breakcore/Drum & bass: Sewerslvt - Yandere Complex (Kind of controversal for these genres but... who cares)

Also, picking a DAW is mainly just about personal preference. Most people argue that FL has a less efficient workflow compared to Ableton or other DAWs which makes sense. I still like it though, its intuitive and easy for me to learn so far. I tried to learn Ableton but I found it to be less intuitive for me so I haven't really given it a good go yet.

 

[mortuarymary]

I am male 55. married 3 times, kids with different women. Kids don't talk to me, current wife wants a divorce. My mother was a bad person, her and her boyfriend abused my sister and I. I was less than 3, I really don't remember much. my sister who was 5 years older I feel had it the worst. We were raised by a single father who himself had childhood issues. He did the best he could and gave me more than I deserved. He carried so much guilt for bringing me into that world and suffered from depression as I do. He was such a good man. I cared for him for the last 6 years of his life. I wish I could have given him more.

I have had many different jobs/businesses/hobbies, currently live alone on a small farm with chickens, I haven't spoken to very many people for years. I have considered CTB a few times in the past. I have not set a date for myself yet. I am learning about the methods. I want it to be when I am ready and how I want.

My decision has already started bringing me peace and finding this forum is very nice. Thank you all for being here. At least we can support each other.

Chickens are great. Just rescued a few. I have sheep. Glad the forum helps.

 

[wondering&wandering]

Just realized I didn't use the reply feature properly before when I replied to you lol, oops.

Haha, no worries. I'm glad I checked back even though I didn't get notified, lol.

I took a listen and I loved Comatose. The other songs were good too but Comatose is definitely my favourite of the ones you listed.

Glad you liked it!

I like a variety of genres too but I would say my most listened are probably metal, electronic and breakcore/drum & bass.

Okay, interesting. I have to admit I don't listen to metal much (though I like rock), and I sometimes listen to the other two genres.

If you would like to listen (no pressure), I'll list a few songs as well:

Metal: Darren Korb - The Painful Way (Not completely a metal song, but since you like more atmospheric stuff, I decided to list this one for this genre).
Electronic: Grimes - Genesis
Breakcore/Drum & bass: Sewerslvt - Yandere Complex (Kind of controversal for these genres but... who cares)

Thanks for the recommendations; I appreciate it! I liked the first one as it had a nice groove/beat, but it was very plucky, which is fine, but I'm just a sucker for synth and reverb to create that ethereal atmosphere. Genesis was my favorite of the three, I loved the sound design and whole vibe of it. And then Yandere Complex was cool too. Very uptempo, which is always a nice change of pace to my typical slow song choices, hehe.

Also, picking a DAW is mainly just about personal preference. Most people argue that FL has a less efficient workflow compared to Ableton or other DAWs which makes sense. I still like it though, its intuitive and easy for me to learn so far. I tried to learn Ableton but I found it to be less intuitive for me so I haven't really given it a good go yet.

Hmm, okay. Well best of luck to you in your music-making endeavors! Maybe we can collab someday!

 

[Julsie]

Heyo. F, 20, Australia. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I suppose I'm focusing on recovery for now. I love classic rock music, scary movies, and writing. I'm very lonely, so feel free to message me :)

 

[1012512]

hello everyone - i'm a longtime lurker of SS, but haven't had the courage to create an account. You can call me whatever (i don't really have a preference for any name), MTF, from the southern US.
i've struggled with severe mental hindrances my whole life (agoraphobia, OCD, identity disturbance, and more or less feeling trapped inside my own childhood) and have been at the very least passively suicidal since elementary school, but only recently considered it a feasible option after starting college and finding this forum. i flip-flop around a lot between wishing to recover and wishing to just get things over with.
i like video games and retrocomputing a lot. as for companionship, i have two pet parakeets, whom i hold dear to my heart. still not sure how active i'll be on here, but you can always feel free to shoot me a pm :)

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I am a 31 yo friendless female virgin. I became a hikikomori at the age of 15 and dropped out of school. I eventually graduated through alternative online routes, but I never learned to socialize normally. I spent my youth in my room watching anime and playing video games. I am extremely unlikeable in ways I do not see and am told so when I try to fit in anywhere. I suspect I may have autism but I'm not about that self-diagnosis life and I've given up on traditional therapy ages ago. I had my 1st stint in the psych ward the second I turned 13 and I've been doing everything not to go back. I struggled with terrible EDs that almost took me. I can't claim to be recovered as I relapse randomly still.
I've had issues with drugs and alcohol since I was 14, but since I'm a friendless loser I haven't had too much hardcore stuff. I would mainly drown myself in cough syrups and alcohol. The past few years have been nothing but the green tho.

My life has sucked but I had my best friend (my dog) by my side. I took him everywhere like he was really my best friend. He was my excuse to leave the house. A few months ago I was in a major car accident and my dog ended up dying at the scene. I have cried every day since then. I no longer leave my bed now.

My older sister CTB years ago and I always think about when I'm going to follow.
I'm really curious if I'll go insane first like she did.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

Hi guys, I am absent for so long from this place so I decided to make another self introduction. I am Raven or Escitala, the latter is my name used in my band Voidborn(空生) haha, I am the vocalist of the band and we play Trve-as-fvck DSBM (depressive suicidal black metal) haha which pretty suited for this forum lol. I am a metalhead so I'm looking forward to meet more metalheads who love black metal just like me. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 18, namely Asperger's Syndrome. I had a brain surgery (psychosurgery) at March in 2023 but it seems only help with my autism, making me more willing to socialize than before, lonely like a ghost haunting everywhere, like 'her ghost haunts these walls' haha idk who can get this. But if you can, we can be friends! Also I am passionate about rhythm games, 'dead soul kick the floor' haha if you can get this, we can also be friends. Maybe you guys know Phigros? haha! beyond autism I also have bipolar disorder, what's more, yesterday I went to refill my meds and the doctor said I have schizophrenia! I can't believe that. I am nothing but a person who dream to become a ghost. I like to consider myself as an alien or a ghost, because I don't really belong to homo sapiens, somehow I feel that. My home planet is called Atomsland, it's somewhere near M27 nebula I suppose. (Oh I feel like writing an English composition haha right now. longing to meet more friends there. oh btw if things changed about SS idk ....... sorry if I made any mistakes around here...... btw I'm not a poser I am a vocalist, lol)

 

[mayirestinchaos]

Hi guys, I am absent for so long from this place so I decided to make another self introduction. I am Raven or Escitala, the latter is my name used in my band Voidborn(空生) haha, I am the vocalist of the band and we play Trve-as-fvck DSBM (depressive suicidal black metal) haha which pretty suited for this forum lol. I am a metalhead so I'm looking forward to meet more metalheads who love black metal just like me. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 18, namely Asperger's Syndrome. I had a brain surgery (psychosurgery) at March in 2023 but it seems only help with my autism, making me more willing to socialize than before, lonely like a ghost haunting everywhere, like 'her ghost haunts these walls' haha idk who can get this. But if you can, we can be friends! Also I am passionate about rhythm games, 'dead soul kick the floor' haha if you can get this, we can also be friends. Maybe you guys know Phigros? haha! beyond autism I also have bipolar disorder, what's more, yesterday I went to refill my meds and the doctor said I have schizophrenia! I can't believe that. I am nothing but a person who dream to become a ghost. I like to consider myself as an alien or a ghost, because I don't really belong to homo sapiens, somehow I feel that. My home planet is called Atomsland, it's somewhere near M27 nebula I suppose. (Oh I feel like writing an English composition haha right now. longing to meet more friends there. oh btw if things changed about SS idk ....... sorry if I made any mistakes around here...... btw I'm not a poser I am a vocalist, lol)

Hey Escitala! Schön, dich hier zu sehen, mein alter Freund :)

 

[-Raven's Night-]

Hey Escitala! Schön, dich hier zu sehen, mein alter Freund :)

haha German it makes me laugh because I can't read it. LMAO

 

[Dutch1986]

As my name says I'm Dutch and I was born in 1986. I am also autistic like apparently lost of other people looking to ctb. With any luck I won't be on this site for long

 

[Myforevercharlie]

As my name says I'm Dutch and I was born in 1986. I am also autistic like apparently lost of other people looking to ctb. With any luck I won't be on this site for long

Welkom hier :)