Intense episodes of insecurity

[jesse]

Sometimes I feel this very intense insecurity. I feel like everyone hates me. In my head, it's like I've made some irredeemable mistake and nothing could ever fix it. To me, it's as if any sign of hospitality is a trap. In my mind, everyone thinks I'm a villan. They want to expunge me from their lives.

The things that set this off are often very minor, like feeling ignored, misunderstood, or disliked.

In these moments, I feel a different sort of suicidality than I usually struggle with. It's acute and impulsive. While in this mental space, I've done some regrettable things such as drive recklessly and destroy a friendship. Often this spiral causes me to avoid everyone and seek complete isolation. I've even moved where I live multiple times to make the feelings stop.

It's as if the slightest hint of rejection (imagined or real) causes this cascade of emotions. This may be the first time I've ever popped out of these feelings. I know I've suffered my fare share of rejection, but I wonder if that's enough to explain these episodes.

Has anyone ever experienced something like this before?

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Yes, all the time. The only thing that has helped is to realize that my brain is a Big Fat Liar. And I have blocked all but three (one is my Mom, one is my brother, one is a long time Friend). I have accepted that my life is better without "them". But it took a long time to get here.

 

[jesse]

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate information on this subject. I want to understand where these feelings come from in my life. My family is kind of careless sometimes, but I don't think they caused this. I'm not in contact with anyone else right now. To my knowledge I didn't encounter anything severe growing up. Maybe I was just more sensitive to things. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like an imposter having such strong emotions. I guess that's kind of silly. I don't have to earn the right to feel the way I do.

It's strange. When it's not happening, it feels like it never happened. I sense the emotions still, in the back of my head. But, it's like they're in storage. They no longer feel like my emotions. Yet, they still feel dangerous, like touching them could reactivate them. I never understand what's going on in my own brain.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

... To my knowledge I didn't encounter anything severe growing up. Maybe I was just more sensitive to things. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like an imposter having such strong emotions.....

It's strange. When it's not happening, it feels like it never happened. I sense the emotions still, in the back of my head. But, it's like they're in storage. They no longer feel like my emotions. Yet, they still feel dangerous, like touching them could reactivate them. I never understand what's going on in my own brain.

Exactly and succinctly stated.

"...like touching them could reactivate them..." I agree. But I notice that certain people seem to touch them more than others. Or I let them? That is what I am working on -- not letting them, by avoiding all contact. Is that right? Is it a good tool tp use? Probably not. But it's the only one I have found that works, mostly.

 

[jesse]

Exactly and succinctly stated.

"...like touching them could reactivate them..." I agree. But I notice that certain people seem to touch them more than others. Or I let them? That is what I am working on -- not letting them, by avoiding all contact. Is that right? Is it a good tool tp use? Probably not. But it's the only one I have found that works, mostly.

I think I have an idea what you mean. Maybe? Not sure. I have like... unwittingly assigned certain people my trust over the years. Like they were the sole keepers of it. Like for them, and them alone, I took down ALL of my boundaries. I've learned better then to ever let that happen again, as it's horrible for everyone involved. Or perhaps you are talking about not letting people that intentionally trigger hurtful feelings in your life? Sorry If I misunderstood either way.

As far as total isolation goes... it does work to put these feelings back in their box. It's been my go to. Yet, it's not something I want to continue doing. Nor do I want to continue keeping everyone at an arms length, as I have lately. I want people in my life again. Being alone has removed a lot of meaning from my life. Unfortunately that does mean getting to the bottom of this, which... sucks.

Stepping out of the feelings, as I did today, was somewhat of a first for me. It's something I recently learned how to do from meditation. It prevented a lot of immediate actions. I still felt aftershocks all day, but I feel this is a step in the right direction.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I can relate in that the slightest hint of rejection, imagined or real, can cause a very impulsive urge to kill myself. Also with things like feeling ignored, misunderstood, or disliked. I don't feel hospitality is always a trap or that everyone always thinks of me as a villain and wants me out of their lives, but I can relate to the rest of it. I often think people are silently but harshly judging me, especially about past behaviors, or they don't take me seriously and think I'm a joke.. even if they don't hate me. Maybe I'm sometimes right too, but I'm sure a lot of times I'm just projecting my own insecurities onto other people and reading too much into it. Sure, isolating myself and cutting off communication with most people has helped, but it's not exactly healthy and creates other problems because it's not like the need for meaningful connections just completely disappeared. I still long for them, even though I think I'm more okay with being alone than most people.. usually. Sometimes the craving for it can really creep up on me though.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I think my level of self-esteem is very well matched to the quality of my genes and environment. So it is very low at the moment. Having low self-esteem isn't something that really bothers me, though.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Dude.. SAME. I keep a list of bookmarked articles and videos that help ground me and remind me that those thoughts are not true. I also keep hotline numbers to call and ask questions to. It is hard but, when you are feeling okay, make resources for yourself to work through the waves better. The lifeboat needs to be ready- we cannot create it during the storm.

Music, art, words, podcasts- anything.

 

[Shadowrider]

Sometimes I feel this very intense insecurity. I feel like everyone hates me. In my head, it's like I've made some irredeemable mistake and nothing could ever fix it. To me, it's as if any sign of hospitality is a trap. In my mind, everyone thinks I'm a villan. They want to expunge me from their lives.

The things that set this off are often very minor, like feeling ignored, misunderstood, or disliked.

In these moments, I feel a different sort of suicidality than I usually struggle with. It's acute and impulsive. While in this mental space, I've done some regrettable things such as drive recklessly and destroy a friendship. Often this spiral causes me to avoid everyone and seek complete isolation. I've even moved where I live multiple times to make the feelings stop.

It's as if the slightest hint of rejection (imagined or real) causes this cascade of emotions. This may be the first time I've ever popped out of these feelings. I know I've suffered my fare share of rejection, but I wonder if that's enough to explain these episodes.

Has anyone ever experienced something like this before?

Yes I keep feeling like this all the time.
The experiences you are talking about are known as the symptoms of possible Avoidant Personality Disorder. (I know getting a label does not make your situation any easier, but it might be worth for you to see that it is a known mental health issue.)

I always feel that others' default attitude is disliking me and thinking I am hateful. I always feel I have to prove that I am not _that_ bad - but why on earth would anyone care if I am not as bad as they judge me by first impression? They have already decided I am not worthy, and that's good for them.

The irredeemable mistake thing is also very familiar. Of course I have done some bad things in my life, of course I have behaved badly - but I don't think there is a single person on earth who haven't. So I cannot really see why you - and me and so many other people - struggle with this irrational feeling of guilt. It's quite horrible: I know the feeling is irrational, I know I should not ruminate on things I'd done in the past - things I would never do again... and after all, I didn't do anything criminal; things that happened many years ago -, yet my brain forces me to rethink again and again and again, until I just want to fuck off and die. Because I am gross and disgusting.

So... this is the default. If any minor issue is added to it - being ignored, misunderstood or disliked - then I regret having not been stillborn.

I think I understand why you are doing impulsive things. Is it meant to compensate your anger towards yourself?

Isolating myself from everyone and avoiding human contact is way too familiar for me. In the very moment I reach out to others, I regret it and escape from the situation.
(For example: once I published a penpal announce and got quite a few answers, but could not force myself to answer to anyone. Now they probably think I was a fake or simply an asshole. Though I really miss corresponding with people.)

Oh yeah! This extreme sensitivity to rejection is too familiar to me.
I always compare it to cancer patients' low tolerance level to physical pain - after 10...15 blocks of chemo and radiation. Even shaking hands with them or hugging them causes so much pain that it's better not to do it if you don't want them to suffer even more.
I have a similarly low tolerance to rejection. I need to be sure - and by this, I mean really sure. Sure sure. 10000000000% sure - that they will not dislike or ostracize me, otherwise I am going to disappear. Because this is my only choice.

And yes, I am hypervigilant. Your thoughts on a single sign of hospitality being a possible trap are something I can relate to!

Huhh... this is very ambivalent: very good to see I am not alone with this problem, but very bad to see so many people experience the same.

 

[NodusTollens]

I just wanted to say that I empathize with what you are going through. Friendships are difficult to navigate & trusting others requires a lot of you as a person, I know it does for me. I just want to give you a big HUG & tell you you're not a villain or a bad person.

To me, it's as if any sign of hospitality is a trap. In my mind, everyone thinks I'm a villan. They want to expunge me from their lives.

I've been here myself, I'm open to their hospitality at first, but I quickly grow suspicious if I notice behavior that misaligns with my beliefs about said person. Like are they pitying me? Do they think I'm weak? Stupid, etc. Once I get there, I start to imagine all the reasons why I'm not like them & don't belong.

The things that set this off are often very minor, like feeling ignored, misunderstood, or disliked.

Exactly. Though I would also add rejection & failure.

Failure to be a good friend/person, failing at something I promised to do/task. Being rejected for hanging out, the dissolution of a friendship. Full tailspin.

It's strange. When it's not happening, it feels like it never happened. I sense the emotions still, in the back of my head. But, it's like they're in storage. They no longer feel like my emotions. Yet, they still feel dangerous, like touching them could reactivate them. I never understand what's going on in my own brain.

This is something I didn't realize until you pointed it out. You're spot on. Once an episode is over, it's like everything just shuts down. Any alarms or alerts in my head immediately shut off & it's like code red had never been called.

I have like... unwittingly assigned certain people my trust over the years. Like they were the sole keepers of it. Like for them, and them alone, I took down ALL of my boundaries.

This. 1000x this. Once that trust is broken, it's damn near impossible for me to get it back. I'll continue speaking with them, but I'll now carry that around with me throughout future ("tainted") interactions.

As far as total isolation goes... it does work to put these feelings back in their box. It's been my go to. Yet, it's not something I want to continue doing. Nor do I want to continue keeping everyone at an arms length, as I have lately. I want people in my life again. Being alone has removed a lot of meaning from my life.

I can appreciate the allure of total isolation to manage the feelings you're having regarding your friendships. I mean what's not to like about being able to keep distance between yourself & stressors? The downside, its long term effect on your affect. I hope you're able to find a balance between total isolation & complete immersion of trust in your relationships. When nurtured, I hear they can grow quite nicely. :)

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I am blown away by all of this. This is all the iteration of the story of my life. Woah, Nellie. Better than any therapist or counselor could ever know.

Thank you all for your thoughts and especially to @jesse for starting this thread.

Wow. Just wow.

 

[Øystein]

This is the first time i see someone put this meltdown feeling into words so well - especially the part where when it stops, it feels alien as if it never happened. Thank you for sharing this, I feel so much less alone now that someone else described it so well.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Wow put well into words.

 

[wordsonscreen]

This thread is super insightful! I cannot reply to each of you but wow- really valuable reflections! Thank you all for sharing <3

 

[jesse]

Dude.. SAME. I keep a list of bookmarked articles and videos that help ground me and remind me that those thoughts are not true. I also keep hotline numbers to call and ask questions to. It is hard but, when you are feeling okay, make resources for yourself to work through the waves better. The lifeboat needs to be ready- we cannot create it during the storm.

Music, art, words, podcasts- anything.

Could I possibly ask what kinds of things you keep ready? This has been happening to me more and more as I have been trying to be around people (digitaly) again. I don't really know what sorts of stuff I should be looking for.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Could I possibly ask what kinds of things you keep ready? This has been happening to me more and more as I have been trying to be around people (digitaly) again. I don't really know what sorts of stuff I should be looking for.

Of course, good question. I skimmed your post again and here are some suggestions I have (based on my limited perspective) about where you can start -

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

I do not know you personally so I cant say exactly what will hit the mark for you (for me, a combo of integrative trauma therapy tools + spiritual things help). Russell, Tara Brach, sooooo many therapists online make cool videos and share tools- all of it can help. Research what comes up for you- read articles etc. You can do this :) personalize your library! Update me on what you find??

 

[AN IDIOT'S END]

Man, I experience almost exactly the same thing OP. But lately it seems like a constant feeling that won't go away.
I think in a way I am hated. But if I found new people who DO like me, I'll probably just ruin it with my paranoia.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I always feel insecure, always, in every situation. Even when I go out grocery shopping. But it's not because I think people hate me, I am pretty sure no one notices me, I just feel like I'm a worthless failure and the world would be better off without me casting a shadow on this Earth :(

 

[wordsonscreen]

I always feel insecure, always, in every situation. Even when I go out grocery shopping. But it's not because I think people hate me, I am pretty sure no one notices me, I just feel like I'm a worthless failure and the world would be better off without me casting a shadow on this Earth :(

I think its cool that you can recognize that its what you FEEL than it being pure 100% reality <3
"I just feel like I'm a worthless failure" vs "I'm a worthless failure"

am proud of you <3 this is difficult stuff.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I think its cool that you can recognize that its what you FEEL than it being pure 100% reality <3
"I just feel like I'm a worthless failure" vs "I'm a worthless failure"

am proud of you <3 this is difficult stuff.

Wow, I never thought of it that way! Thank you for your reply and your kind words of encouragement. You have such a beautiful heart and that shines through your post.

Sadly, I did not mean it in the way you read it. I am worthless, objectively speaking. I have failed at everything: education, career, relations, friendships. It's not an exaggeration nor a word I use lightly. I don't know any people who, given the kind of opportunities, love and support I have enjoyed growing up, have screwed things up so colossally.

Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to send you a heart-shaped greeting and say I appreciated your sweet reply. All the best to you @sunbug

 

[MrBlue]

I've been told I'm like this recently by my therapist. I do sometimes catch myself thinnking that everyone hates me as much as I do myself. In reality I don't think people hate me, just passively reject me because they find me mildly irritating or too pathetic for them to make friends with.

It still ends up with me being lonely, but the reasoons I'm an outcast aren't as extreme as the my overemotional reaction to it. Truth is I'm just too much of a loser for other people to like me. I'm not some monster.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Wow, I never thought of it that way! Thank you for your reply and your kind words of encouragement. You have such a beautiful heart and that shines through your post.

Your light also shines through <3

Sadly, I did not mean it in the way you read it. I am worthless, objectively speaking. I have failed at everything: education, career, relations, friendships. It's not an exaggeration nor a word I use lightly. I don't know any people who, given the kind of opportunities, love and support I have enjoyed growing up, have screwed things up so colossally.

The standards of success are a facade. They are made up to benefit the few. "failing" the metrics set by the privileged few is to be expected. My juice box today had a quote that said- humans make mistakes, that's why pencils have erasers. We all fuck up. The world is set up that way. Do not fall for those standards. But I feel you.. I feel this way myself- that I have "failed" despite the benefits I have had. but tbh, idk if I wanted that shit in the first place. Better things can replace them.

And I understand the depletion and the sense of defeat <3 Just want to remind you that its not your fault.

Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to send you a heart-shaped greeting and say I appreciated your sweet reply. All the best to you @sunbug

You are a sweetheart~