Hello everyone, I'm just going to vent because I have nowhere else to go where I won't be judged.
On a surface level, my life is supposedly great. I have a well - paying career, friends, I take care of my appearance and health, I'm sexually active etc. so theoretically everything should be going fine. The problem is that I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for over a decade almost consistently at this point and I don't see what else I can do to improve my quality of life. I'm also gay and my family would never accept this because they're conservative and religious (they're the only people to whom I'm not out). I also feel really lonely and can't find a partner because I'm socially inept and afraid of rejection, so I've written off the possibility and thus don't hit on people/avoid dating. I'm sure that I'm unlovable anyway.
I've often wondered if there is something seriously wrong with me. I've analyzed the whole gamut of possible physical and mental disorders e.g. cluster B personality disorders, gender dysphoria, various fringe physical diseases and genetic conditions but I've done extensive testing and research that has ruled them out. I've also been utilizing mental health specialists for years and after thorough discussions with them I've only been diagnosed with ASD and OCD. Unfortunately nothing helps and I feel like a burden to everyone, my family, my friends, my colleagues, the various doctors etc. I've also stopped taking my psych drugs since last year because I'm afraid of the health risks and frankly I've seen no deterioration other than some OCD flare ups.
At this point I don't really think there's much hope left of things getting better. I'll never find a partner whom I can take care of and every year my distance with other people grows ever larger. I've tried to analyze what it is that I'm doing wrong and why other people are dropping out of my social life like flies, but I really can't explain it. I reach out often, I ask questions about their lives and feelings, I try and help them when possible etc. but most people never reciprocate. I'm fully convinced that I'm just an inherently unlikeable and egocentric person, like those aliens in the "They Live" movie, or like Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho", only that other people don't need special glasses or any insight to see me for the soulless entity that I am. To be honest, other than my family I don't think that other people will miss me if I die, and my family will react with absolute revulsion and post - mortem erase my memory anyway once they find out that I prefer the company of other men.
On a surface level, my life is supposedly great. I have a well - paying career, friends, I take care of my appearance and health, I'm sexually active etc. so theoretically everything should be going fine. The problem is that I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for over a decade almost consistently at this point and I don't see what else I can do to improve my quality of life. I'm also gay and my family would never accept this because they're conservative and religious (they're the only people to whom I'm not out). I also feel really lonely and can't find a partner because I'm socially inept and afraid of rejection, so I've written off the possibility and thus don't hit on people/avoid dating. I'm sure that I'm unlovable anyway.
I've often wondered if there is something seriously wrong with me. I've analyzed the whole gamut of possible physical and mental disorders e.g. cluster B personality disorders, gender dysphoria, various fringe physical diseases and genetic conditions but I've done extensive testing and research that has ruled them out. I've also been utilizing mental health specialists for years and after thorough discussions with them I've only been diagnosed with ASD and OCD. Unfortunately nothing helps and I feel like a burden to everyone, my family, my friends, my colleagues, the various doctors etc. I've also stopped taking my psych drugs since last year because I'm afraid of the health risks and frankly I've seen no deterioration other than some OCD flare ups.
At this point I don't really think there's much hope left of things getting better. I'll never find a partner whom I can take care of and every year my distance with other people grows ever larger. I've tried to analyze what it is that I'm doing wrong and why other people are dropping out of my social life like flies, but I really can't explain it. I reach out often, I ask questions about their lives and feelings, I try and help them when possible etc. but most people never reciprocate. I'm fully convinced that I'm just an inherently unlikeable and egocentric person, like those aliens in the "They Live" movie, or like Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho", only that other people don't need special glasses or any insight to see me for the soulless entity that I am. To be honest, other than my family I don't think that other people will miss me if I die, and my family will react with absolute revulsion and post - mortem erase my memory anyway once they find out that I prefer the company of other men.
. I personally find comfort knowing that others share my grief, it's not much, but sometimes enough to carry me through another day. And put that pestering idea in the back pocket for now. Peace. 
