Venting In the water surrounded by islands and I choose to drown

[hardknocklife]

These feelings that make me wanna ctb might stem from trauma, but at some point especially now as an adult, I have to take responsibility for my own healing.

But I just can't let it go.

I sabotage my health now on top of the trauma responses. I have such a weird mixture of compassion and hatred for myself. If I don't want to commit to getting better, why do I deserve help? Continuing therapy is only taking up a slot from someone who will use it.

Now that it has been a decade of living like this I can't find it in myself to care about my own wellbeing. There is no person for me to even return to, I was conditioned to be this way since birth. There is only a person to be discovered within me and I do not have the willpower to continue.

I don't know how I'll do it yet. My first choice, as it turns out, was not as foolproof as I had assumed.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot, so I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for. At least to me, it's certainly frustrating and tiring how we have to struggle so much in finding ways to actually leave this world, it's so unnecessary how planning to die is this difficult and complicated for us.

 

[hardknocklife]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot, so I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for. At least to me, it's certainly frustrating and tiring how we have to struggle so much in finding ways to actually leave this world, it's so unnecessary how planning to die is this difficult and complicated for us.

I hope that you find your freedom as well. Funny how living is tiring, but finding the strength/method to leave also is. I guess life is this bone-deep sort of exhaustion that wears on you without proper coping mechanisms.

My suffering was brought through neglect, so if I can find anything to be thankful for in it, I can say at least I hadn't been abused in other ways.