In case you already attempted, how did you feel before you did it?

[tarococo]

In case you're comfortable with sharing your experience, how did you feel before you attempted to ctb?
Besides experimenting with a few methods, I had two real attempts. And I'm planning on leaving soon, using SN.
Everytime, the state of mind I found myself in was completely different.

I was a drunk, emotional mess the first time I tried to leave, I cried for hours, and I was insanely scared. I tried to ctb by using disposable barbecues in my tiny bathroom. A lot of smoke, a lot of panic. Bad hangover. Don't recommend.

My second attempt could easily be summarised in one word: frustrating. I fought with my mum, I was insanely angry to begin with. Tried partial, and couldn't make myself pass out. I tried for literal hours, I felt so dumb and ashamed and kept grewing angrier at myself, the world, everyone and everything with every passing minute. Tried calling a hotline, they sent the police, I ended up in psych ward. Frustrating.

But this time, I'm at peace. I'm so calm, and the thought of finally having a reliable method is so comforting I could cry. I'm not scared of dying, if there's an afterlife I can't wait to hug my grandpa and my dog, and if theres nothing, I can't wait to finally fall asleep. All I feel is relief and acceptance

 

[Alltheywanted]

It was a few days before my 17th birthday. I decided to do it when I was still in school and immediately after that it was the best time of my life however it sounds. I was at peace, I was calm and I was ready for the bus. The only thing that was needed for me to suicide was the knowledge because back in time I knew nothing about methods.

 

[killmekillu3]

I got my final push that day, Went home after being in the theater with my friends, I wanted to end my life on a last good memory. Went home took 300+ pills. Was sent to ER after my grandmother came home early. Now I'm here.
I felt alone in this world, still do, but that was really extreme. I was gassing myself up to do it and did it, but was saved miraculously somehow. I was planning it for a long time and I felt at peace. I cried for months before every night, had panic attacks and never had a single moment where I wasn't lethargic. So I just needed a final push that day and I kind of turned my brain off and after I took 300 pills in 3 minutes. My next memory was the ER with a catheter and pampers bruh.. Not a good thing to fail. I just ruined my life even more, my girlfriend broke up with me, but that was inevitable, but I wanted to die while we were still together and it never come to this, but now I'm back in the same shit with nothing changing and people around pitying me for my attempt and paying attention to me only because of it I think. So I'm here and going to try again I guess.
I felt anxious after I was released from the psych ward that I was still alive and had to pretend that I want to fix my life, but after getting access to the SN method. I'm at peace and preparing for it again. I'm filled with joy I can end my life I'm pretty sure.

Honestly I kinda feel you, my grandpa was my father figure and he died when I was 12, I wanna reunite with him and be reincarnated again with a different set of circumstances. I never feared death either, I just hate the pain, so knife hanging and those are out of the method list for me, I wish I had an access to a gun honestly..

 

[Sarainia Angelsong]

In case you're comfortable with sharing your experience, how did you feel before you attempted to ctb?
Besides experimenting with a few methods, I had two real attempts. And I'm planning on leaving soon, using SN.
Everytime, the state of mind I found myself in was completely different.

I was a drunk, emotional mess the first time I tried to leave, I cried for hours, and I was insanely scared. I tried to ctb by using disposable barbecues in my tiny bathroom. A lot of smoke, a lot of panic. Bad hangover. Don't recommend.

My second attempt could easily be summarised in one word: frustrating. I fought with my mum, I was insanely angry to begin with. Tried partial, and couldn't make myself pass out. I tried for literal hours, I felt so dumb and ashamed and kept grewing angrier at myself, the world, everyone and everything with every passing minute. Tried calling a hotline, they sent the police, I ended up in psych ward. Frustrating.

But this time, I'm at peace. I'm so calm, and the thought of finally having a reliable method is so comforting I could cry. I'm not scared of dying, if there's an afterlife I can't wait to hug my grandpa and my dog, and if theres nothing, I can't wait to finally fall asleep. All I feel is relief and acceptance

I attempted to drink Raid, I was seen, I was rushed to psychward then I also attempted while in hospital to suffocate via bag, tightly tied it around my head, then tightly wrapped the blanket around the bag and my head, however they ripped it all off of me. They kept me in for 3 and a half months in 2016.

 

[Pl4gu3]

In case you're comfortable with sharing your experience, how did you feel before you attempted to ctb?
Besides experimenting with a few methods, I had two real attempts. And I'm planning on leaving soon, using SN.
Everytime, the state of mind I found myself in was completely different.

I was a drunk, emotional mess the first time I tried to leave, I cried for hours, and I was insanely scared. I tried to ctb by using disposable barbecues in my tiny bathroom. A lot of smoke, a lot of panic. Bad hangover. Don't recommend.

My second attempt could easily be summarised in one word: frustrating. I fought with my mum, I was insanely angry to begin with. Tried partial, and couldn't make myself pass out. I tried for literal hours, I felt so dumb and ashamed and kept grewing angrier at myself, the world, everyone and everything with every passing minute. Tried calling a hotline, they sent the police, I ended up in psych ward. Frustrating.

But this time, I'm at peace. I'm so calm, and the thought of finally having a reliable method is so comforting I could cry. I'm not scared of dying, if there's an afterlife I can't wait to hug my grandpa and my dog, and if theres nothing, I can't wait to finally fall asleep. All I feel is relief and acceptance

Before my latest attempt there had been a physical fight between my half brother and my step dad, it was crazy and utterly terrifying. At this point I was tired of all the fighting between family, I was tired of having my life continuously ruined by my own family. So I didn't grab anything and I ran straight out of the house, down the street, and down at least 3 blocks. I was on the side of the highway walking watching the cars go by. I felt desperate, but overall at peace with what i was about to do, I was ready to go. But before I was able to take one step onto the road, it turned our my brother followed me and he grabbed me and pulled me away from the road.

 

[Chass]

Before my latest attempt, I remember having vivid nightmares every single day before. Like, of my mistakes and how much of a fucking disappointment I was. Of me going to jail, or being arrested, and the list goes on. It haunted me, and I pretended like it didn't but I couldn't sleep without thinking about it and I kept reliving my mistakes over and over and over. I just could not stop thinking about everything. I still can't, and I wanted to disappear and not relive the same few scenes for no damn reason. So I figured why continue to suffer when I have everything I need, I already had plans though it was a bit sooner than expected. It actually felt good to drink everything down, though. Very peaceful. Almost euphoric. It definitely brought comfort knowing everything would be over, and I wouldnt have to think about anything anymore

I tried some other methods but none were successful. I'd probably just be safer ordering something from the website because failing was a horrible experience tbh

 

[SadGoose]

Back when I was 14, I tried to hang myself. I felt apprehensive but ultimately knew it was the right decision for me. I stepped off the ladder and actually passed out - as I gradually came to on the ground I thought I had succeeded in my attempt, and had gone to hell (I'm not religious but at that moment I thought maybe I had been wrong lol). Turns out I hadn't properly secured the other end of the rope and it came undone at some point while I was unconscious. I ended up in a neck brace and spent a few days in the hospital, then a few weeks in the psych ward. I've had a couple of other attempts since then, but didn't want to hang myself again because it was honestly very painful and I didn't think I could bring myself to do it. Tonight tho, I've decided to try it again. I will definitely use a much better knot this time. Fingers crossed I'm not around when the sun comes up tomorrow.

 

[Abyssal]

I felt the same. Waiting to die didn't change who I was, maybe just added a bit on anxiety.

 

[Ksmиda]

It's difficult to explain but I felt more 'real' - I heard things more clearly, I felt everything more (like the wind coming in from the window), and most of all I felt really peaceful. It almost felt as if I was already in the afterlife with how calm and relieved I felt.
It must have been the thought of going to the afterlife that really made me feel like this - I should have been panicking.
When I started to hang myself, all those feelings went away and I only felt the pain you feel when hanging (head feels like it's about to explode) but I still felt calm.
Never felt anything like this before or since

 

[Schaf]

I have this philosophy everyone should choose how they live their lives. So if I have an attempt, it's just because I had the choice.

I can attempt tomorrow, next month, next year; fuck, in 30 years from now. It's still up to me, and the thought of my own choice is what made me have peace with dying. I recommend reading that post, it's pinned

 

[luciole]

for me it was not an attempt but I remember I was talking with my parents I had caught a virus and suddenly I passed out I felt myself leaving I liked this sensation it was very pleasant my father carried me to my bed

 

[idkrat]

felt really angry. I mostly believe that if you really are ready to die then you just do it and go with it no matter what, so when my plan didn't worked out i thought that "maybe i wasn't ready enough" or "perhaps i dont wanna yet"
then i thought what the hell I want then.
Also after that incident, since I were a minor, my tutors sent me to a psych hospital and spent like a month in there just.. being numb and waiting to get out.

 

[bangimout]

Did my first attempt when I was in high school but I panicked and called 911 because I was scared of failing. My second attempt was last week and I didn't feel anything. I am now back to square one which is to find a reliable method.

 

[starrchaoz]

During my first attempt I was just an emotional mess, I couldn't breathe and was just in an immense amount of emotional pain. I took a bunch of pills and ended up being really ill feeling for a day or so, it was awful. It wasn't enough for me to die though. I had a second attempt too where I tried to do full suspension hanging but I just physically couldn't kick off on what I was standing on. It's really awful, failing an attempt feels awful.

 

[mafuyu]

scared, then really happy.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

I guess I'll share how I felt before and after. I've attempted to hang myself maybe five times this past week. My memory of it all is kind of foggy, but I guess deep down I had a feeling I wasn't really going to go through with it. I wasn't ready yet, I haven't come to terms with my problems and my relationship with death resolutely and firmly enough. Anyways, I tied the noose to my door without much thinking, having rehearsed it many times by now. I stood before it, and felt sort of brave yet scared and fraudulent, and went in. Now I was scared and confused and panicked. I pressed my weight on the rope and my vision started blackening and I was getting light-headed and my heart was beating like crazy. It was the sound of the blood pulsing through my neck that pulled me out of it, I think. I was doing partial, so I was standing up and could untie or unloosen the knot whenever I wanted, and when I did I gasped and just felt terrible and wanted to go to bed. There was a strange comfort to it too, however, like it was kind of cozy having my head in the noose, and I felt alive in a weird way. This probably doesn't make much sense, but I guess I don't really think about it that much or my mind's repressed it all.

 

[Schaf]

I guess I'll share how I felt before and after. I've attempted to hang myself maybe five times this past week. My memory of it all is kind of foggy, but I guess deep down I had a feeling I wasn't really going to go through with it. I wasn't ready yet, I haven't come to terms with my problems and my relationship with death resolutely and firmly enough. Anyways, I tied the noose to my door without much thinking, having rehearsed it many times by now. I stood before it, and felt sort of brave yet scared and fraudulent, and went in. Now I was scared and confused and panicked. I pressed my weight on the rope and my vision started blackening and I was getting light-headed and my heart was beating like crazy. It was the sound of the blood pulsing through my neck that pulled me out of it, I think. I was doing partial, so I was standing up and could untie or unloosen the knot whenever I wanted, and when I did I gasped and just felt terrible and wanted to go to bed. There was a strange comfort to it too, however, like it was kind of cozy having my head in the noose, and I felt alive in a weird way. This probably doesn't make much sense, but I guess I don't really think about it that much or my mind's repressed it all.

It does makes sense actually, you feeling alive. The human body will enter instinct survival mode so it is natural feeling relief, same thing with many many stuff on survival mode. I'm ignoring the full psychological part of it of course

 

[DeecyTee]

In case you're comfortable with sharing your experience, how did you feel before you attempted to ctb?
Besides experimenting with a few methods, I had two real attempts. And I'm planning on leaving soon, using SN.
Everytime, the state of mind I found myself in was completely different.

I was a drunk, emotional mess the first time I tried to leave, I cried for hours, and I was insanely scared. I tried to ctb by using disposable barbecues in my tiny bathroom. A lot of smoke, a lot of panic. Bad hangover. Don't recommend.

My second attempt could easily be summarised in one word: frustrating. I fought with my mum, I was insanely angry to begin with. Tried partial, and couldn't make myself pass out. I tried for literal hours, I felt so dumb and ashamed and kept grewing angrier at myself, the world, everyone and everything with every passing minute. Tried calling a hotline, they sent the police, I ended up in psych ward. Frustrating.

But this time, I'm at peace. I'm so calm, and the thought of finally having a reliable method is so comforting I could cry. I'm not scared of dying, if there's an afterlife I can't wait to hug my grandpa and my dog, and if theres nothing, I can't wait to finally fall asleep. All I feel is relief and acceptance

I felt horrible. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I was scared shitless. I still want to try it again and hope I'm braver then.

 

[nozomu]

Last year, when I wish I was successful, I felt relief before just going for it and trying to OD.

I woke up and it was horrible.
Every attempt since then, I have been a sobbing mess every time because I know I won't fail this time, given my method.
I just hold it in my hands and cry inconsolably. I haven't been able to do it yet, because I know there is no turning back. It's strange. I wonder when the tipping point will be for me.

 

[keyakizaka]

i was crying a lot…before i actually tried to do it i kept disassociating and couldn't really gather my thoughts. i think it was my body's way of trying to make me stop? idk but it worked and i went home even though i really wanted to do it

 

[wurr]

I think I only had one attempt that has gone far.

My mom was screaming at me about smt that Gad to do with homework, I don't quite remember the details. For at least half an hour without stopping she was screaming, and then every few minutes she would come to my room to add more to what she wanted to say. Eventually when she stopped I started cutting my wrists, thighs, and hips. Usually it works, but not this time, even 100s of cuts couldn't do it for me this time. I still felt anxious, and scared, and angry all at the same time. I felt like I was tied up, and nothing that I try would make my thoughts leave me. So I ran into the bathroom and drank lots of laundry detergent. Now, it wasn't entirely my mom's fault. That time I was under a lot of stress, and hated (and still hate) everything about myself, so you could say she was only a trigger.

 

[Kit1]

I overdosed a couple of times when I was 14 years old and ended up in hospital and had my stomach pumped out which was painful. Whilst I was taking the overdose, I was quite calm.

Since then I have taken overdoses and found myself on cliff edge, top of mountain etc. Most of the time, I have been dissociated so don't have a clue what happened - however I was always calm as far as I know. But in 2021, I ended up in hospital with overdose and the experience of the actual treatment was quite harrowing and was admitted for 3 days to have the antidote - never set foot in a hospital since.

 

[Orange Cat]

I have made two past attempts. The first attempt was when I was a teenager. I took an overdose. I didn't have any SI. I was very calm right before and felt detached like I was watching someone else do it.

I made a second attempt a couple of years ago. This time I was very scared and cried most of the day before taking an overdose later that night.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

Last year, when I wish I was successful, I felt relief before just going for it and trying to OD.

I woke up and it was horrible.
Every attempt since then, I have been a sobbing mess every time because I know I won't fail this time, given my method.
I just hold it in my hands and cry inconsolably. I haven't been able to do it yet, because I know there is no turning back. It's strange. I wonder when the tipping point will be for me.

Such a scary feeling. Im sorry you went through that.

 

[cold_severance]

nothing, as always. no sadness, no relief.

 

[waningmoth]

The first time was practice and i wish so much that i had gone through with it then and there, i almost did, i started to pass out i didnt feel even remotely scared but felt a huge sense of relief. I have ocd amongst other things and it was like for once nothing mattered, i didnt need to worry about anything because none of it had any effect now, i felt calm, peaceful, cosy and completly safe. No si, i felt genuinely happy in a way ive never felt before or since, its what i imagine happiness is supposed to feel like. It was only practice but if if it wasnt for hearing someone come up the stairs and not wanting to be caught with cables around my neck i would have continued.

afterwards i wasnt scared of death, strangely what did scare me was how easy it had been, surely its not supposed to be that easy, had i not been walked in on i would have gone for It.

it actually makes me cry thinking about it, i long to feel that carefree again.


the next time was in the psyche ward years later, i had made sure i wouldnt get caught, broke into their intranet and read the staffs guidelines and protocols, knew where they kept the shears and that it was dar enough away from my room that combined with setting up in a way that they had to favour there own safety and couldnt rescue me directly. When the time came i tried but couldnt get the positioning right, the tension and as time went on i felt more and more like a failure that couldnt even get failing at life right (not that i think suicide is failing at life, it was just the headspace i was in)
i started crying, i kept trying in between the nurse checks, i ended up staying up all night but those hours genuinely seemed like years and my tine perception was horribly messed up, i was dissasociated and in the worst depression i have ever felt.

 

[SadGoose]

During my first attempt I was just an emotional mess, I couldn't breathe and was just in an immense amount of emotional pain. I took a bunch of pills and ended up being really ill feeling for a day or so, it was awful. It wasn't enough for me to die though. I had a second attempt too where I tried to do full suspension hanging but I just physically couldn't kick off on what I was standing on. It's really awful, failing an attempt feels awful.

Sorry to necro lol, I had the same problem not being able to jump off the night of my last comment. I think because I was scared from what happened after my first attempt. It was a miracle that I didn't end up with brain damage; I must have fallen pretty quickly after I passed out. Was honestly too ashamed to come back here until now. Things have only gotten worse since then. The rope is still there (I live on a rural property and its in an old, abandoned shed) and I am planning to attempt again soon.

 

[thetruetato]

It's a mix of several different feelings. Besides from the part of my brain biologically wired to oppose it, there was a euphoric feeling as well. Nothing mattered and I felt in control (although I experienced quite the exact opposite when I failed).

 

[Final_Choice]

I tried a mix of pure cadmium powder with a sodium compound I bought from an industrial supplier selling raw materials. Ended up puking for about an hour or two, everything I had eaten and even my own feces I threw up from my mouth. I could feel my organs as if they were misaligned or damaged or something, I just felt them. After that I cried for an hour in the shower until I had to leave since I was in the dorms and people had to shower. Unfortunately I had classes two days from then so I then tried to sleep it off and made my best effort to recover by the time I went back to class. I'm making sure my next attempt will be my last by making sure everything works as planned.

 

[m1dn1ghtmyst3ry]

I was around 12 or 13, I was very dumb and tried to drown myself in my bathroom sink. I now know a lot more methods to try than that, thankfully...