Tired of wearing my "mask", no one has a clue I've felt like this for years. I'm so tired.
Felodese
Experienced
- Mar 31, 2024
- 278
Lifelong depression has worn me down, and I no longer see the point in being alive.
If you're after something more artistic, there's always Vincent van Gogh's last words: "The sadness will last forever."
If you're after something more artistic, there's always Vincent van Gogh's last words: "The sadness will last forever."
ms_beaverhousen
-terminally sad-
- Mar 14, 2024
- 1,273
Well I'm glad you haven't hurt anyone... You seem like the type who could turn it around... Brave it up, become an honorable, dignified stand up guy. Being someone worthy of being liked and wanted; and in return being earning someone who who deserves you. That's not the hard part. It's the self-worth and work part that's the bitch.
I hate living and there is nothing I want from life.
DearMe
Let’s have tea together.
- Nov 6, 2023
- 33
All the lies I've been making are building up. I feel ashamed and distressed - it's a need to die before I turn myself.
cause ia am a virus that should be eradicated from this foul disgusting clump of mud we call earth
ms_beaverhousen
-terminally sad-
- Mar 14, 2024
- 1,273
Incel is a strong word. I'd be careful in using it... I don't know you: I don't know if you hate women who reject you, or the vastly majority because you think they will reject you; I don't know if you blame them for your insecurities and lack of a personal life; I don't know if you want to hurt them for it; I don't if you have sewn violence into your love life fantasies; I don't if you respect women; I don't know if you just fear women and the effect they can have on you; I don't know if you're confused and you just wish you had control over yourself; I don't know if you would hurt a women for hurting your feelings; but I would figure it out. Everyone has had bad experiences. Everyone has been dismissed. You need to work on yourself before you can handle someone else's needs. This fear of intimacy and rejection has got to go. Incel has a negative connotation, and I don't know if you are resentful of being one, or just pissed at yourself. But it's not as difficult as you'd think if you know what you want, what you have to offer, and what you deserve. You can't expect not to be a virgin if you don't put yourself out there. I'm shy as fuck, but people are surprised in person. I have my reasons, which probably vary greatly from yours, but I didnt have full blown sex until 25. Was I an incel? I held myself back for my own personal reasons. I was too uncomfortable with my body to have sex with a super cute sailor who I had a great connection with, so I literally had to pull my blazer back on and climb off of him in his back seat and I left him there when I was 21. Shit happens. You have more control than you think. You can either have values and stick with them, or dont. Sorry, I just think there are so many more fucked up reasons to be suicidal than love or sex. Don't emoji this either. If you have something to say, say it. At least start with the internet if you cant manage irl. Have the balls to own your weaknesses and show that you're self-aware and working on them. They'll eventually become less of a problem. You're not hopeless. This is coming from a hopeless person so if you're pissed off, go workout to eminem. Not dwell on your shortcomings and blame women who don't have a clue that you are interested because you didn't have the balls to say something. Men say they're not mind readers, well women haven't perfected that craft yet either. Good luck.
Oh maybe we're fifth-counsins over, because I'm cancerous
poilala1
Here to disappear
- Apr 23, 2024
- 101
yxmux
¥~¥
- Apr 16, 2024
- 88
I don't know if I actively want to, but it's certainly running through my mind, and it would be a convenient option.
I'm trans, and the agony of having spent my first nearly two decades, the most important years of my life, as male, being raised male, socialized male, etc. is untreatable in my opinion. It doesn't matter how much I pass, and even then I'd still look ugly as shit. I have basically no support or friends now that I'm in college now as well.
I wish I never grew up. It would be nice if I could've stayed 6 years old forever. Life is simply way too long for me. I wish to die before finishing college. I'm not sure whether that'll actually be the case, but I'll hopefully have the confidence to do it by then.
I'm trans, and the agony of having spent my first nearly two decades, the most important years of my life, as male, being raised male, socialized male, etc. is untreatable in my opinion. It doesn't matter how much I pass, and even then I'd still look ugly as shit. I have basically no support or friends now that I'm in college now as well.
I wish I never grew up. It would be nice if I could've stayed 6 years old forever. Life is simply way too long for me. I wish to die before finishing college. I'm not sure whether that'll actually be the case, but I'll hopefully have the confidence to do it by then.
Ash’Girl
Girl, Interrupted
- Apr 29, 2022
- 386
"The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it".
anxiousmess0471
Member
- Feb 4, 2024
- 46
Tired of constantly being a failure and a disappointment to my parents and just want to finally be at peace.
sash
f/uk seeking partner to vanish with
- Oct 1, 2023
- 203
Never ending worsening pain and a lifetime of constant narcissists and abusers breaking me, I always get people wrong & Im so frikin exhausted.
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 21,155
I've heard all this before but it's no use since I'm already over 30 and still this way. I don't believe I've done any of the things you said to women but even if I haven't, it's inevitable that I will someday. Even "putting myself out there" has currently backfired on me. I suppose another reason I should CTB is because I'm built different, not in a good way, but in a way where I'm excessively sensitive to an annoying degree. I've gone on at length as to why I haven't been able to work on myself after all these years: it's because every attempt I've made just flies back at my face. Every step forward is the start of a pratfall that puts me ten steps back. This has sometimes resulted in me developing hateful thoughts not really for women but more for the systems that put these barriers in place. I also don't think working out will help me either. I usually hate the very concept of physical fitness itself since when I attempted it before because I failed to reap any of its benefits. Exercise just seems like a socially accepted cult to me so even if I were to embrace it and become swole as can be, I would likely still end up hating myself for what I've become. I realize I have issues with confidence but the constant looming fear I feel won't go away just from sweating a little, which I already do at my current job. Anyway, I'm sorry to have to throw your good advice away. If I were a better person maybe it would work but I'm not. I'm sorry my issues can't be more serious and that my potential has been so wasted. I'm sorry for derailing this thread from other people's issues by typing multiple sentences. No amount of being sorry can make up for my transgressions though. Not even CTB will but I am still a coward so I see it as my only way out.
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ms_beaverhousen
-terminally sad-
- Mar 14, 2024
- 1,273
Dude. You're killing me. Mayhe it's because you remind me of myself in a way when I was younger. I should've Will Smith slapped that girl. I'm sure you have heard all this before, and I hate when that happens. It's annoying and insulting. I was just trying to say that I don't know how stereotypical of an incel you are. There's no way for me to know that. Only you do. You seem to be atypical which is good. You don't seem to have the victimhood and entitlement of what is displayed of an incel so you might choose another choice of words or term. Just do me a personal favor and do not kill yourself because this woman gave you these cryptic looks. Owe a stranger who's typed out over a thousand words that much. Realistically, you could go out with her and find her dull and have nothing in common, have sex with her, and be a little disappointed, like, "That was it?" and realize she's not as appealing as you thought now that you've been on the other side of the er, grass.
My first time was with a slut, but I thought we had a connection, and he didn't want to be casual, and he was interesting. Huge mistake. He was tall, smart, cute, educated, cultured, but turned out to be a Grade A prick. Waste of my life and time. Could've put that time and energy into someone else. I finally came to terms with what he was, and he made me miserable, so I told him I thought he needed another girl. He didn't have the balls to fight for me. Saga continues, who cares. In the grand scheme of things, no one who actually matters cares about the fucked up things. He wasn't put off by lack of sex, hesitant because I think he felt guilty because he was a slut. He said he liked our intimacy and said this one particular time was a 10. That it was seared in his memory. He was a narcissistic whore who wasted my time. You cant change someone who doesnt want to change. You also didnt make these habits over night. You're not even aware of the habits you need to break. Also the workout to eminem was more satirical than anything. I just meant don't take your shit out on yourself because it's kind of cruel. I would never tell a person to go take a walk i.e. exercise. Granted that literally does help, but they are aware of that unless they're mentally challenged. Clearly a lot of people can pass as "therapists" but continue to say "Go for a walk." and I pass off a grimace as a smile because I'm trying to refrain from saying, "Okay. I'll take a walk, if you'll permanently fuck off." That's bullshit advice. Ironically, I thought that dude I slept with was too sensitive to be such utter asshole. Hypocrites. Go figure. I didn't mind his sensitivity, I minded his rudeness; however passive-aggressive. Why do you think my background is Helga? Go find a sensitive girl, or hell, a mean girl. I could tell you what to say to that girl to give you fair shot and get an honest response so you could get an answer and move on, whichever way. I don't think you have to love yourself for someone to be interested in you, but they need a reason to be. So you need to portray and flaunt what you've got. Otherwise, how is she supposed to know you're interested or want to know you more? Rocky kept getting knocked down, but he kept getting up. Fight or flight. Faint or freeze. (Maybe it's "feign" I don't recall.) Shake what your momma gave ya. Ever hear Cardi B's song Get Up 10? The end of that song chokes me up nearly everytime. It reminds me of my mother and her sacrifices. But if you get a good date. You'll get another. The law of continuous motion, not to mention you'll get practice and it'll get easier and become more fun, and you'll be better equipped. You'll ask for a girl's number getting coffee or at the checkout line. I'm not blowing smoke, I wouldn't waste my time. It's not over dude.If I were to CTB, it would be because I haven't found a fix for long-term visual impairment issues after having LASIK surgery.
natthebrat
only help i want is with ctb
- Jul 9, 2023
- 169
Life is difficult, and nothing is worth the effort to me.
Timothy7dff
Wizard
- Apr 10, 2024
- 661
I have poor health, extreme lifetime poverty, no friends/family and have been targeted by the deep state for more than a decade. Plus, I'm old.
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 21,155
Idk, if I do CTB it won't just be because of her, but all the other rejections I have suffered still lingering within me. It's not fair to her that I still have emotional baggage for previous love interests. Or maybe in the crazy event that I move on from this current person to someone else then that person would have one more person from my past haunting me. I mean I'd love to say I'd be able to move on once I'm sure I've found someone but who knows, I'm simply too paralyzed in fear by these past rejections to even want to ponder how I'd act. I wish it was easy to just let go of all these traumas especially since other people have dealt with much worse things to be traumatized by. I've been physically and mentally abused by my own father and molested by a guy I thought was my friend because he thought I was gay and yet for some reason those things barely register any traumatic consequences at all to me compared to the rejections I've felt. Maybe I'm just too passive overall but I don't really have the equipment to reverse this.
I get what you are saying and I certainly will at least make another feeble attempt to move things forward on Friday, the next time I see her. Until then I can only stew in doubt and fear until it probably culminates in me flopping anyway when the time comes. I am just afraid oh how I will act. I've never been on a date before so even if I somehow miraculously got one I wouldn't know what to do and the fear of failing there is also paralyzing me because I don't believe I will have control over myself. I hopefully won't CTB over that though. When I CTB it will be simply be to prevent further harm whether to myself or to others.
Beyond_Repair
Disheartened Ghost
- Oct 27, 2023
- 452
Couldn't have said it better myself
I don't want to CTB but it's the only way out.
Generational trauma created a brain that is not able to survive in this world and that brain ruined the most beautiful thing I have ever had.
cryone
Experienced
- Nov 23, 2023
- 258
I want to b/c i find life, other ppl, n even myself generally unappealing.
ms_beaverhousen
-terminally sad-
- Mar 14, 2024
- 1,273
I understand. Believe, those other traumas creep in and settle in whether you're aware or not. They literally set up camp in your brain though. How it manifests is not for me to say. Same with my own. Same with everyone. Even when we sincerely think something does not affect us, it still does. I mean you don't think you deserve love so Im sure your attempts are half-assed. God forbid one should say yes or like you. Then that's a whole new problem. Can't receive love. Join the club. Intimacy issues are slammin'. Hell I'm still reeling the effects of the stupidest shit from childhood and it's ridiculous. I feel it physically. I'm sorry that happened to you. That's fucked up. Can you sue or report it? I don't plan to date or even think about it anymore as it's impossible at this point. You just sound a lot better than I'm sure you feel. That to me just signifies hope. Something I don't see in myself. I'm a big cynic and pessimist actually. I cheered back in the day but Im not the pep talk type so I'll get off my soapbox. Hope you go for it Friday. Can't lose what you don't have in the first place. Your posts weren't burdensome btw. Some people here are really annoying and they were called out for it. I generally get irritated easily so I would know. I was starting to feel like a girl Hitch but I dont think you need that. You should talk to someone though. Finding the right therapist is tricky though. But you need a better outlet than this. Best of Luck.
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chainsofjudecca
Scribe
- Sep 5, 2021
- 11
alltoomuch2
Elementalist
- Feb 10, 2024
- 829
This. And the people I gave to who never gave back, but took advantage and destroyed me to save themselves.
Red Moon
Warlock
- Sep 21, 2022
- 722
Well I'm autistic so I don't feel like I was meant for and fit into the world. I also don't want no part in society. My health and mental state is getting worse, my conditions and past trauma.
LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,249
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 21,155
I thank you for taking the time to respond to me and wishing me luck. I have reasons for not seeing a therapist since my past experiences with them haven't been fruitful but who knows. If Friday goes badly maybe I'll at least try or maybe I'll just go back to ranting in this site.
ms_beaverhousen
-terminally sad-
- Mar 14, 2024
- 1,273
Well I appreciate your posts being kept to your profile. That's more efficient too. I would've replied more but I taken a med that makes me drunk and out of sorts. Your welcome. I've been through loads of therapists and they are not offended when you say you think you'd want to work with someone else. If you have a preference you might suggest one who is this or that. I've only ever found two to be remotely helpful out of like two dozen. Both my gender and about 25ish years older than myself if that helps.
