I am not going to worry about how articulate this post turns out. I'm afraid these are just incoherent, stupid thoughts that i would like to post. Maybe to bring some release, i dont know.
I'm too scared to ruin my life. But im tired, so fucking exhausted to continue healing. Too much has happened, and I feel so damaged. As a little girl I already felt like a monster, I knew what my family was doing was wrong, I was so angry. I remember feeling my anger seeping through my joints. All I could do was imagine killing myself, to maybe make my family understand how truly hurt i felt. As a teenager I just remember feeling like too much has happened to be able to fix anything, dying would be the only solution.
I feel like a poison, a dark disgusting, utterly insufferable substance which hurts everyone around me. I am toxic, and I'm behaving just like my family who I detest so much.
I would like to be a mother, but I fear of passing on this pain, of projecting my faults onto an innocent child. I fear putting my partner through any more pain. I wish I could disappear without hurting anyone further.
Even if I end this suffering, someone somewhere will have to deal with picking up my rotting corpse. I don't want to continue distressing others. I feel so trapped, i don't know what to do other than to type these words onto this forum.
i am tired of replaying these same thoughts, I'm tired of being so needy, i'm so tired of feeling so misunderstood. I don't want to talk to the samaritans, I don't want to dial 211 or whatever the fuck that number is. I know this makes me a terrible, selfish person. I'm so frustrated. .
Everything is objectively fine now, I have money, dream job, loving partner, so why do I still feel so fucking miserable, why is this underlying part of me always here, waiting. I'm still so hurt, and its causing me to hurt others. I just want to compress myself into a tight ball, and just disappear. im tired
I'm too scared to ruin my life. But im tired, so fucking exhausted to continue healing. Too much has happened, and I feel so damaged. As a little girl I already felt like a monster, I knew what my family was doing was wrong, I was so angry. I remember feeling my anger seeping through my joints. All I could do was imagine killing myself, to maybe make my family understand how truly hurt i felt. As a teenager I just remember feeling like too much has happened to be able to fix anything, dying would be the only solution.
I feel like a poison, a dark disgusting, utterly insufferable substance which hurts everyone around me. I am toxic, and I'm behaving just like my family who I detest so much.
I would like to be a mother, but I fear of passing on this pain, of projecting my faults onto an innocent child. I fear putting my partner through any more pain. I wish I could disappear without hurting anyone further.
Even if I end this suffering, someone somewhere will have to deal with picking up my rotting corpse. I don't want to continue distressing others. I feel so trapped, i don't know what to do other than to type these words onto this forum.
i am tired of replaying these same thoughts, I'm tired of being so needy, i'm so tired of feeling so misunderstood. I don't want to talk to the samaritans, I don't want to dial 211 or whatever the fuck that number is. I know this makes me a terrible, selfish person. I'm so frustrated. .
Everything is objectively fine now, I have money, dream job, loving partner, so why do I still feel so fucking miserable, why is this underlying part of me always here, waiting. I'm still so hurt, and its causing me to hurt others. I just want to compress myself into a tight ball, and just disappear. im tired
