(A long venting ahead as a heads up)
I seriously don't care about anything anymore. I don't care about life. Nothing makes me happy anymore. All I feel is nothingness. I'm dead inside, at this point. I often wonder what's even the point of being alive if I'm basically never happy and don't enjoy anything at all anymore.
I'm not living, or surviving. I'm just existing. I'm just here. Not because I want to, but because I have to, for my family's sake. It's literally the only reason why I'm even still living. Living just to keep everyone sane and happy. Living out of pure obligation. Having to fake my happiness just to please others, just to prevent myself from ruining their mood. Not because I actually feel happy or anything.
I don't want to do anything whatsoever. Literally nothing. There's nothing I actually want to do. There's nowhere I want to go. There's nothing that seems even a little bit interesting to me anymore, no matter what I look into. No matter what I try. I have to force myself to do literally any little thing because I just don't want or feel like doing anything at all.
I don't have any ambition or goals in life. I never did in the first place. I don't prefer one thing over another because I don't prefer anything. I don't care either way. I would just go along with whatever everyone else would prefer or want, just to make them happy.
For me, there's literally nothing worth living for. I'm not interested or into anything anymore whatsoever. Not even food or music. I used to love music, it used to keep me going everyday. But now, it's mostly just meh. It's basically just noise to me now. Same with food. If anything, I hate eating now. I hate being hungry at all.
If I were to buy something nice for myself, I end up feeling nothing. So I bought something nice for myself, whatever. Big deal. It barely even matters to me. Nothing matters to me anymore. Everything is just meaningless and pointless to me now. Nothing is ever enough to fill up the empty void inside of me. I will forever be empty, no matter what.
If something nice (or anything, really) were to go missing the next day, I wouldn't bat an eye. If anything bad were to happen to any of my electronics, I wouldn't even care. If I were to go out and someone were to try to shoot me, I probably wouldn't even budge. Same thing if some dangerous object were to come my way. If anything, I would probably be glad. If anything, I hope something or someone does end up killing me someday, and hopefully that someday will come soon.
Now, as for life in general: I don't care about college. I don't care about work or any jobs at all. I would literally rather be shot on the spot than hired on the spot by any company/business (I don't care if it's big or small). I don't even want to start my own business in anything (not even a T-shirt business that I tried to start up once, but I just didn't feel like doing all the work that it takes into starting up a business). I would much rather die than ever be a money slave to this world, because I'm just that lazy.
I'm sorry that I failed the whole world. I'm sorry for having been born a disappointment and a complete loser. But most of all, I'm sorry that my family (especially my mother) has had to deal with me for three more years after I've graduated highschool (homeschooled) and for me mostly being unemployed since (I say for the most part because I did work two jobs for a few weeks last year before quitting. One was due to it being too physically taxing, while the other one was fine, I just hate working retail I guess. I had also volunteered at the library for a couple months last year, but it's basically nothing). All because I don't give a crap about anything and life overall. They do so much for me, while I do absolutely nothing in return (besides doing some chores around the house and a few small tasks for everyone, but still). I should've never been born in
the first place.
I seriously don't care about anything anymore. I don't care about life. Nothing makes me happy anymore. All I feel is nothingness. I'm dead inside, at this point. I often wonder what's even the point of being alive if I'm basically never happy and don't enjoy anything at all anymore.
I'm not living, or surviving. I'm just existing. I'm just here. Not because I want to, but because I have to, for my family's sake. It's literally the only reason why I'm even still living. Living just to keep everyone sane and happy. Living out of pure obligation. Having to fake my happiness just to please others, just to prevent myself from ruining their mood. Not because I actually feel happy or anything.
I don't want to do anything whatsoever. Literally nothing. There's nothing I actually want to do. There's nowhere I want to go. There's nothing that seems even a little bit interesting to me anymore, no matter what I look into. No matter what I try. I have to force myself to do literally any little thing because I just don't want or feel like doing anything at all.
I don't have any ambition or goals in life. I never did in the first place. I don't prefer one thing over another because I don't prefer anything. I don't care either way. I would just go along with whatever everyone else would prefer or want, just to make them happy.
For me, there's literally nothing worth living for. I'm not interested or into anything anymore whatsoever. Not even food or music. I used to love music, it used to keep me going everyday. But now, it's mostly just meh. It's basically just noise to me now. Same with food. If anything, I hate eating now. I hate being hungry at all.
If I were to buy something nice for myself, I end up feeling nothing. So I bought something nice for myself, whatever. Big deal. It barely even matters to me. Nothing matters to me anymore. Everything is just meaningless and pointless to me now. Nothing is ever enough to fill up the empty void inside of me. I will forever be empty, no matter what.
If something nice (or anything, really) were to go missing the next day, I wouldn't bat an eye. If anything bad were to happen to any of my electronics, I wouldn't even care. If I were to go out and someone were to try to shoot me, I probably wouldn't even budge. Same thing if some dangerous object were to come my way. If anything, I would probably be glad. If anything, I hope something or someone does end up killing me someday, and hopefully that someday will come soon.
Now, as for life in general: I don't care about college. I don't care about work or any jobs at all. I would literally rather be shot on the spot than hired on the spot by any company/business (I don't care if it's big or small). I don't even want to start my own business in anything (not even a T-shirt business that I tried to start up once, but I just didn't feel like doing all the work that it takes into starting up a business). I would much rather die than ever be a money slave to this world, because I'm just that lazy.
I'm sorry that I failed the whole world. I'm sorry for having been born a disappointment and a complete loser. But most of all, I'm sorry that my family (especially my mother) has had to deal with me for three more years after I've graduated highschool (homeschooled) and for me mostly being unemployed since (I say for the most part because I did work two jobs for a few weeks last year before quitting. One was due to it being too physically taxing, while the other one was fine, I just hate working retail I guess. I had also volunteered at the library for a couple months last year, but it's basically nothing). All because I don't give a crap about anything and life overall. They do so much for me, while I do absolutely nothing in return (besides doing some chores around the house and a few small tasks for everyone, but still). I should've never been born in
the first place.
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