I wrote it all down in a notebook first, as a longer reflection after last night, so that I could sort everything out. I know that for many it is foolish to experiment with even a minimal dose of SN, especially since in an earlier topic I started, I described the first contact with SN, without ingestion and felt a slight effect.
Why did I do it? I'm at a point in my life where I really don't care, and I wanted to see what it would be like to brush against death, even if I brushed myself a little too much. I don't know what to think about it, I'm talking about myself here. I don't know what to think about the fact that only now can I calm down, that only now, after many months of desperate crying for my end, can I calm down. Life has destroyed me so much that I don't even have a fucking SI, no reflex to call for help, I looked at myself and felt that this pile of meat I'm locked in is fighting for life when I don't want it anymore. When the worst moment of the night came, I said to myself: "fly, don't be afraid and fly, leave this world already" I didn't regret anything, I didn't give a shit what I leave.
I will remember this night until the end, and I know that in a moment, in a few days, I will repeat the same thing, no longer for an experiment.
I know that you have to approach it calmly, if someone hesitates, does not know if he is sure, please do not do it. I know what psychological damage I did to myself by the attempt and I know that if I withdraw, it will come back from time to time. Today he feels crushed, as if your parent is yelling at you and you are standing in the corner of the room as punishment. Defenseless, weak. Don't do it if you want to get attention, don't fucking do it if you have even a glimmer of hope for tomorrow, because tomorrow may not come.
Physically, chest pain, slight heartache. Everything tolerable, it doesn't bother me but I feel like it's the effect of last night.
Today I look at the world in a damn empty way, I realized how fucking pointless it all was over the last few years. How disappointed I am in myself and others, how angry people are that even though they know what state you are in, that you are fucking planning to kill yourself, no one reacts. Remember, if you, who are reading this, decide to do the same, you must know that it will be a very lonely night, you will never feel as lonely as then. There will be only you and your last minutes.
Memories helped me persevere, not the good ones because there are only a handful of them. And the bad, the worst. And music playing in silence somewhere in the background.
A higher dose of SN, I think it will cause unconsciousness in a few minutes. Antiemetics are recommended, I was nauseous. Fuck, I really think vomiting is the worst thing that can come. The aftertaste of SN in the mouth became unbearable after a while, I felt it even on my teeth, like some kind of sediment.
I will informatively describe my physical conditions, maybe it will give some insight as to why I reacted so much to a small dose. Overall healthy, about 20kg underweight, I'm tall. I smoke a lot, recently I eat little, I drink a lot, I think that for two months I can confidently say that I fell into alcoholism. I used to take meds, I was treated for depression, but I gave it up.
I will spend the next few days in silence, cut off from everything, I have to be alone with it all. I don't know if I'll be back here on my last day, maybe just to say goodbye and say hi to all of you. Thank you for the words of support, for the words of common sense, for the fact that there are people here who understand and for the fact that there are those who can soberly approach any topic. Thank you.