usernamesarehard
Life sucks and then you die
- Dec 22, 2021
- 314
I don't even know where to start.
I'm currently trying therapy again. I feel like I'm finally in a place where I actually want to solve the mental problems I identify. This therapist isn't going great. For the most part she has just said a lot of things that are said on the internet (you should learn to be happy being alone, you just have to go outside and join a club, etc.).So I'm probably going to have to find a new one and just the thought of that exhausts me.
I'm physically tired all the time. I don't know why. I sleep enough, but still have no energy to do much of anything. It makes doing most things a huge hassle. I do next to nothing during the week days because I have no energy to do much more than wake up and get ready for work. I work odd hours (2pm-10pm), and while I do like the hours, there's really not much you can do after work (unless you want to stay up until 2 am). I feel like I could be so much more productive, but I simply don't have the energy for it.
I love my job, my co-workers are all pretty cool, and my bosses are all pretty chill too, but I hate living in the city and I hate the fact that I'm basically trapped in this area. I really wanted to leave this area, but my plans fell through and I don't think I want to pursue my back up plan.
I'm extremely anxious. I have trouble leaving my house for any reason that isn't going to work or a store. I want to get out more, I want to explore and try new restaurants, etc., but I can't. There's something mentally stopping me and I'm having doubts that I'll ever be able to figure out what the problem is. The anxiety is both social and general. I'm terrified of talking to new people. And occasionally I'll be hit with this random feeling of dread and fear. I'm deeply lonely. I've been this way ever since I was a kid. I talked about the loneliness with my therapist, but again, that went pretty much nowhere. The thing that I'm obsessing over currently and the thing that's making me suicidal is the fear that I'll never find another boyfriend and I'll have to spend the next 60+ years alone. It's not that I can't be alone, but rather I simply don't want to be. Especially not for that long.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix the anxiety, or get a boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever fix the loneliness. I've been this way since I was a little kid.
I'm just.........tired. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of not trying hard enough, I'm tired of constantly failing, I'm tired of second guessing my successes, I'm tired of the anxiety, I'm tired that I can't cope with videogames anymore. I'm tired of being tired
I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'll probably ctb sometime once I hit 30, I don't think I want to go on any further in this state. But that makes me question why I'm even bothering to live to tomorrow. I don't really want to die. I want to get better, I'm really trying, but I also don't want to live either. I feel like things will never get better and I'll keep trying and failing to ever be in a state where I'm content with living.I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do. I'm aware that I'm extremely privileged, but I just got dealt a bad hand mentally and I don't know how long I want to continue doing this. Am I a bad person for throwing all this away? When others would kill to have a small part of my life, I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm even looking for. Advice? Encouragement? Other experiences to know I'm not alone? I don't know.
I'm currently trying therapy again. I feel like I'm finally in a place where I actually want to solve the mental problems I identify. This therapist isn't going great. For the most part she has just said a lot of things that are said on the internet (you should learn to be happy being alone, you just have to go outside and join a club, etc.).So I'm probably going to have to find a new one and just the thought of that exhausts me.
I'm physically tired all the time. I don't know why. I sleep enough, but still have no energy to do much of anything. It makes doing most things a huge hassle. I do next to nothing during the week days because I have no energy to do much more than wake up and get ready for work. I work odd hours (2pm-10pm), and while I do like the hours, there's really not much you can do after work (unless you want to stay up until 2 am). I feel like I could be so much more productive, but I simply don't have the energy for it.
I love my job, my co-workers are all pretty cool, and my bosses are all pretty chill too, but I hate living in the city and I hate the fact that I'm basically trapped in this area. I really wanted to leave this area, but my plans fell through and I don't think I want to pursue my back up plan.
I'm extremely anxious. I have trouble leaving my house for any reason that isn't going to work or a store. I want to get out more, I want to explore and try new restaurants, etc., but I can't. There's something mentally stopping me and I'm having doubts that I'll ever be able to figure out what the problem is. The anxiety is both social and general. I'm terrified of talking to new people. And occasionally I'll be hit with this random feeling of dread and fear. I'm deeply lonely. I've been this way ever since I was a kid. I talked about the loneliness with my therapist, but again, that went pretty much nowhere. The thing that I'm obsessing over currently and the thing that's making me suicidal is the fear that I'll never find another boyfriend and I'll have to spend the next 60+ years alone. It's not that I can't be alone, but rather I simply don't want to be. Especially not for that long.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix the anxiety, or get a boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever fix the loneliness. I've been this way since I was a little kid.
I'm just.........tired. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of not trying hard enough, I'm tired of constantly failing, I'm tired of second guessing my successes, I'm tired of the anxiety, I'm tired that I can't cope with videogames anymore. I'm tired of being tired
I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'll probably ctb sometime once I hit 30, I don't think I want to go on any further in this state. But that makes me question why I'm even bothering to live to tomorrow. I don't really want to die. I want to get better, I'm really trying, but I also don't want to live either. I feel like things will never get better and I'll keep trying and failing to ever be in a state where I'm content with living.I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do. I'm aware that I'm extremely privileged, but I just got dealt a bad hand mentally and I don't know how long I want to continue doing this. Am I a bad person for throwing all this away? When others would kill to have a small part of my life, I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm even looking for. Advice? Encouragement? Other experiences to know I'm not alone? I don't know.
