I'm so scared I'm going to be here for a long time

[Butterfly-death]

I'm terrified. It was a fear brought up to me by my friend who ctb @boyafraid (my last post talked about him) that a good amount of suicidal people are still here in their 40s+ and I want to die young. I have no future plans or any goals. I feel so desperate to die. I don't want to suffer for another 20 years or more. I can't imagine living that much longer that's so dreadful. I'm so exhausted already. What if I never get the peace I want? I didn't say this is my last post but a part of me is jealous of @boyafraid because he is free from this life while I am still here. I wish we could have died together. Now I just feel worse than I did before. Of course I'm happy for him that he is no longer suffering but I feel so many conflicting feelings over his death.

I understand now why people do careless methods and attempts because holy shit desperation is bad. It's not just a matter of not being aware that a certain method shouldn't be attempted it's that some people take the risk because not all of us have access to a better method. Like when you're young, broke, your living situation, etc. I think if I was backed into a corner and had to ctb I would do whatever I could to try to die. Which is why it is horrible ctb is so hard to do because so many people do bad methods out of desperation. Which, yes, that's bad because they're not meant to be attempted for good reason.

I mean it when I say death is all I want. I have nothing else going for me. I don't even fear death at all in the slightest now that @boyafraid is gone. I either think death is nothing or I will get the chance to see him again in the afterlife. Honestly I'm okay with either one. I used to just want it to be nothing but after meeting @boyafraid I would love to see him in the afterlife. What a gem of a human being. Never had a friend like him. He thought death was nothing like before you were born. I notice many of us on here think this way.

I really hope I die before I turn 21. I cannot take growing older than @boyafraid was when he died. Desperation is scary. Because desperation makes you do stupid things on impulse... I just don't know what to do I want it to all be over so bad.

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

It won't be easy but I pray we find peace . Suicide is biologically the hardest thing a human can do because innately , our only goal is to survive

 

[wine is fine but]

it is all many of us wanted before we reached 21
we couldn't bear to get to 21, some of us even double figures, but here some of us are almost 4 decades later

it isn't that bad, i promise you. the thought of wanting to die never leaves, but staying here is not nearly as bad as we thought it was going to be

i hope that you and boyafraid can somehow keep each other alive long enough to see that getting to 30 isn't that bad at all. i realise you probably do not want to, but please believe many of us, who are older thought that same way when we were your age. if neither of you can continue to go on, i hope you both get exactly what you are hoping for, but if you do stick around, it could be quite rewarding