What If I'm Not Feeling So Shitty When Its Time to CTB?

[jdogg60]

I wake up almost every morning with severe anxiety/dread...at least those are the common words used. It actually feels something like being tormented by demons...(Which 'happened' to me during a bad trip that kicked this crisis off 9 months ago).

I feel that way usually until later in the afternoon. I'm in so much mental torment for those 5 or so hours that CTB is pretty much all I can think about. And it seems somewhat feasible that I could pull it off in that state. I can't say for sure whether SI would still kick in, but if there's a state that would drive me to CTB...its my state during those hours.

But usually by the time late afternoon/evening comes around, I'm 'ok'. At least not in a state of unbearable torment. And its harder to conceive of feeling the desperation that would drive me to follow through with CTB.

Then, rinse and repeat the next morning...

So, the issue is, how do I manage those fluctuations with the consideration to CTB? The method thats most accessible to me is SN. And that takes just a bit of planning/foresight.

I suppose I could time it for a morning, when I'm feeling like hell. Though that's typically not the best time for isolation.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

Just here to say that I'm in the exact situation. I was planning on SN too but it's hard since it takes planning and my moods fluctuate so much throughout the days. Mornings being the worst just like you. Sorry I can't offer any advice, hoping someone replies that can help us both. I know the logical answer would be that if we're not feeling to CTB every second of the day then that means we aren't ready and shouldn't do it. But for myself I know that I really do want to it's just my SI maybe convinces me against it

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Just here to say that I'm in the exact situation. I was planning on SN too but it's hard since it takes planning and my moods fluctuate so much throughout the days. Mornings being the worst just like you. Sorry I can't offer any advice, hoping someone replies that can help us both. I know the logical answer would be that if we're not feeling to CTB every second of the day then that means we aren't ready and shouldn't do it. But for myself I know that I really do want to it's just my SI maybe convinces me against it

Same.
Morning is perfect for SN, because if you slept for eight hours, you've already fasted for eight hours. If that's not the best time for isolation, book a couple of nights someplace where you can put out the "do not disturb" sign, and isolate.

 

[undecidedfool]

I know the logical answer would be that if we're not feeling to CTB every second of the day then that means we aren't ready and shouldn't do it.

I really hate this logic. If I'm miserable to the point of wanting to ctb 50% of my day, I think that should be enough. Why should I suffer that 50% for a mediocre 45% and a maybe good 5%? It just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe my problem is that I'm bipolar, so I know the lows/SI will always come back no matter what I do.

I suppose I could time it for a morning, when I'm feeling like hell

My advice would be to do it in the morning. Odds are you aren't running out of opportunities to ctb, so you might as well not force yourself to do it if you're feeling good. That's the reason I plan on shooting myself on a Sunday afternoon, when my depression dips the lowest.
No matter what you choose to do though, I wish the best for you.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Same.
Morning is perfect for SN, because if you slept for eight hours, you've already fasted for eight hours. If that's not the best time for isolation, book a couple of nights someplace where you can put out the "do not disturb" sign, and isolate.

I didn't give it a thought.. That's a great idea to do it in the morning. Most people do it at night.

 

[Forveleth]

This is quite common with suicidal people, feeling worse first thing in the morning and I am the same. It is very frustrating to wake up the next morning wishing you had died the day before.

 

[watergun88]

same... morning is the worse, just want to hide, dont want to be seen in the sun light, and when the dark comes is super peaceful...

go somewhere in the wood at night i think would help, even better if u are able to book hotel...

when in peaceful mood i think you can still do ctb with happy feeling, making sure ur end is good for the world and others would help a lot ...i guess...

 

[staticdepression]

My mood fluctuates too, sometimes I'm overly hyper for no reason at all, doctor said I'm bipolar.
For this specific problem I plan to smoke weed the day I'm alone. Because everytime I smoke it I can see my flaws and problems clearly and I become sure only solution is ctb. I remember everything more clearly as well. Normally my brain is limited to daily shit that happens around me but weed opens my eyes to everything.
For most people it works the opposite, and they start laughing or get horny but for me I get overwhelmed by thoughts.
So maybe it'll work for you too, smoke some and see how you feel and what thoughts you get.

 

[itsgone2]

Also same here
I know it's the right decision but always when the time comes I bail or find some way to feel better.
I feel like a solid day of rain and drinking is a way to see the mood and it hasn't happened.