I wish good feelings/ moments didn’t exist because they get in the way of following through ctb

[achingthroat]

I realize this is a black and white thinking, but I wish that my deep depressive states that are followed by suicidal ideation lasted long months and wish I lacked experiencing an okay day or when certain music or dreams make me feel safe temporarily throughout the day because then it makes me feel conflicted about going through a plan to ctb and not having those days or moments in a day that bring me content would make things easier.

It's kinda silly because I could be feeling okay and doing okay but one thing could seriously stress me out and completely make me lose it then I could be doing my worst and then one dream I had at night could make me feel sad that it's not real but then fixate on that dream for days through music and fiction online to get the feeling again.

 

[Nat.]

I get that. I feel like the pleasant moments also distract me from what I truly should be doing, which is dying.

Not related: are those your cats in your profile picture?

 

[achingthroat]

I get that. I feel like the pleasant moments also distract me from what I truly should be doing, which is dying.

Not related: are those your cats in your profile picture?

Yesss! Thank you for this comment, it made me very excited and I'm smiling as a result wow

 

[Nat.]

They're beautiful, and they look so comfy! I hope they're happy and healthy forever.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I wish peace.

 

[Penelope12]

I never feel safe, I only felt safe with my ex, but I left him because, After Years, I saw him as a Brother, and now I regret It, because I'm Always anxious

 

[webb&flow]

i think such moments are good because they reduce pain and turn focus to more easing things; when we are feeling good in a certain moment, suicide can feel very redundant, we can feel like we don't actually need suicide at all in this moment.

i think in this regard our instinct is not always wrong ♥. the instinct of being pleased by nice things, and wanting to remember them, and feeling a touch of rejuvenation at their recall, too <3.

i hope that feelings of safety are able to increase, and i'm sorry to hear about the things that give you pain and throw things off balance in the times they disrupt as well <3<3. i hope more pleasant and safe things happen, because they reduce the amount of pain in life; and i hope that the feelings of pain and inescapability are soothed and touched happening by happening of soothing relaxing events where you feel you finally have some freedom in your own life where you do feel like you have influence over what you feel in that current moment, where you feel like there is some possibility and good influence flowing into the vessel of that current day and time, because that can truly be a comforting and embracing thing .

it's ok to be uncertain <3<3