Venting i'm so embarrassed, i'm done. not doing that again

[vivia]

the one person i trusted to hear me one-on-one, my go-to vent spot, feels like it's getting archived. lol. used to be they'd shrug me off with some goofy distraction, make my mess a punchline so it didn't feel heavy. now it's like they swiped right on their own drama and left mine on read. they'll drop their problems and then casually compare like it's a scoreboard, "my life is way more fucked than yours, not even close to hopeless." big flex, congrats. i'm not looking for a medal in suffering, i'm not trying to be tragic famous, just wanna dump some words without getting graded. is that too much? somehow i end up playing the pathetic role, the one that's supposed to be grateful or shut up. maybe i've always been the extra static in their feed. maybe i started the thread that made this all weird. idk. people get tired, sure. i get that. still, it hurts when the person who once made space for me turns it into a one-up game. feels like being minimized on purpose. i'm not angry at them, not really. more like disappointed and a little embarrassed. the kind of embarrassment that makes you pull your hoodie over your head and stop texting. so here we go again, retreat mode. avoidant mode. solo replay. same lonely track, different day. part of me wants them to just forget me and the awkward episodes we shared. it'd be cleaner that way, no awkward glances, no side-by-side misery comparisons. guess i'm learning the hard way why i'm always on my own, when i relax around people, apparently i come with an off switch labeled 'annoying'. oops. might as well chat to a wall, at least the wall doesn't clap back with 'my life is worse'. walls are calmer, less judgmental, more reliable. end of story​

 

[lawlietsph]

i've learned that people who are not really depressed or mentally ill, they will get tired of us quickly. i am extremely lucky in that regard, because i've found a friend here who doesn't mind me telling him 20x a day how much i want to die, but it's eeeeextremely rare to find someone like this.
I know you just want to be heard and noticed and you just want someone to hold space for your pain. And i am so sorry that this person is treating you like you don't matter...
humans are selfish creatures, and it's really a fucked up situation.
because i know we crave connection like nothing else, but to be honest, the less people you deal with, the better.
again, i'm sorry that you have to deal with this situation.. if you know this person well, you can probably guess if they are just having a bad time or if they are simply just like this.
give time to them and give time to yourself. and remember, your feelings are valid, even if people are starving in Africa, even if some people have it much worse than you. what you feel is what you feel, you cannot change it. i hope you feel somewhat better after venting :(

 

[vivia]

i've learned that people who are not really depressed or mentally ill, they will get tired of us quickly. i am extremely lucky in that regard, because i've found a friend here who doesn't mind me telling him 20x a day how much i want to die, but it's eeeeextremely rare to find someone like this.
I know you just want to be heard and noticed and you just want someone to hold space for your pain. And i am so sorry that this person is treating you like you don't matter...
humans are selfish creatures, and it's really a fucked up situation.
because i know we crave connection like nothing else, but to be honest, the less people you deal with, the better.
again, i'm sorry that you have to deal with this situation.. if you know this person well, you can probably guess if they are just having a bad time or if they are simply just like this.
give time to them and give time to yourself. and remember, your feelings are valid, even if people are starving in Africa, even if some people have it much worse than you. what you feel is what you feel, you cannot change it. i hope you feel somewhat better after venting :(

right, yeah, for real, i get it

and like… i've known this guy for almost 6 years, which is kinda wild when i think about it. back then i never really talked about my personal life to him, just whatever work or project we were doing. surface-level stuff. safe stuff. then these last two years hit, and i got tired + sorta surrendered to whatever my life's turning into. and that's when i started opening up more. bit by bit. too much maybe. he'd still do his usual routine, half listening, half drifting off, switch the topic to something "better." thought it was his way of telling me to stop spiraling. maybe even helping me steer out of my own mess. and yeah, i kinda romanticized that. thought he cared in some weird quiet way. my bad for reading lore that wasn't there. 'cause now it's obvious i was just hoping too much, projecting too much, thinking too hard. he's pretty much tired of my venting. you can hear it between the lines. our chats lately feel like some subtle misery olympics where no one wins anything. and i already knew he'd snap at some point, hit me with those lines like "my life's way more fucked than yours and i'm not even that hopeless" or "try being me bro, people out there respect me but my own family treats me like trash." you can tell he's been sitting on that pile of stuff for a long time. and suddenly i'm like… yeah, maybe i shouldn't even be talking to him anymore. feels like i stepped into a room i wasn't supposed to enter. like i'm trespassing on someone else's exhaustion. so now i'm here again, that familiar quiet place where it's just me. people show up, stay a while, then they dip. always the same pattern, never changed. and i keep telling myself it's normal, that everything leaving is just part of life. but it still hits weird, y'know? these past few years i've been lonely as hell, but at least he was someone who knew me beyond the mask a bit. just a bit. and yeah… even that eventually folds too. nothing sticks. nothing actually stays. i feel kinda selfish for feeling this way. like i'm wrong for even wanting anyone to stay longer than they should. it makes me feel gross, embarrassed, like i'm looking at myself from the outside and cringing. i hate how i get when i'm like this, tired, messy, stuck in loops, all bark no action. and honestly? i don't even know what else i can do besides complain into the void. just yapping into the dark like it's gonna answer back. i know what it's like to be him these days. it's like raising an autistic baby that's going to make your head explode

i'm so fucked rn. friendships fucked. career fucked. family fucked, everything fucked. life's just me as a walking corpse, what else am i even supposed to do? no money either, what's the point staying? fr, nothing to lose. wish i had an m9 beretta, lol​