i've learned that people who are not really depressed or mentally ill, they will get tired of us quickly. i am extremely lucky in that regard, because i've found a friend here who doesn't mind me telling him 20x a day how much i want to die, but it's eeeeextremely rare to find someone like this.
I know you just want to be heard and noticed and you just want someone to hold space for your pain. And i am so sorry that this person is treating you like you don't matter...
humans are selfish creatures, and it's really a fucked up situation.
because i know we crave connection like nothing else, but to be honest, the less people you deal with, the better.
again, i'm sorry that you have to deal with this situation.. if you know this person well, you can probably guess if they are just having a bad time or if they are simply just like this.
give time to them and give time to yourself. and remember, your feelings are valid, even if people are starving in Africa, even if some people have it much worse than you. what you feel is what you feel, you cannot change it. i hope you feel somewhat better after venting :(
right, yeah, for real, i get it
and like… i've known this guy for almost 6 years, which is kinda wild when i think about it. back then i never really talked about my personal life to him, just whatever work or project we were doing. surface-level stuff. safe stuff. then these last two years hit, and i got tired + sorta surrendered to whatever my life's turning into. and that's when i started opening up more. bit by bit. too much maybe. he'd still do his usual routine, half listening, half drifting off, switch the topic to something "better." thought it was his way of telling me to stop spiraling. maybe even helping me steer out of my own mess. and yeah, i kinda romanticized that. thought he cared in some weird quiet way. my bad for reading lore that wasn't there. 'cause now it's obvious i was just hoping too much, projecting too much, thinking too hard. he's pretty much tired of my venting. you can hear it between the lines. our chats lately feel like some subtle misery olympics where no one wins anything. and i already knew he'd snap at some point, hit me with those lines like "my life's way more fucked than yours and i'm not even that hopeless" or "try being me bro, people out there respect me but my own family treats me like trash." you can tell he's been sitting on that pile of stuff for a long time. and suddenly i'm like… yeah, maybe i shouldn't even be talking to him anymore. feels like i stepped into a room i wasn't supposed to enter. like i'm trespassing on someone else's exhaustion. so now i'm here again, that familiar quiet place where it's just me. people show up, stay a while, then they dip. always the same pattern, never changed. and i keep telling myself it's normal, that everything leaving is just part of life. but it still hits weird, y'know? these past few years i've been lonely as hell, but at least he was someone who knew me beyond the mask a bit. just a bit. and yeah… even that eventually folds too. nothing sticks. nothing actually stays. i feel kinda selfish for feeling this way. like i'm wrong for even wanting anyone to stay longer than they should. it makes me feel gross, embarrassed, like i'm looking at myself from the outside and cringing. i hate how i get when i'm like this, tired, messy, stuck in loops, all bark no action. and honestly? i don't even know what else i can do besides complain into the void. just yapping into the dark like it's gonna answer back. i know what it's like to be him these days. it's like raising an autistic baby that's going to make your head explode
i'm so fucked rn. friendships fucked. career fucked. family fucked, everything fucked. life's just me as a walking corpse, what else am i even supposed to do? no money either, what's the point staying? fr, nothing to lose. wish i had an m9 beretta, lol
