Here I am, thinking about stabbing myself in the neck again. I've barely got out of the bathtub after I had an anxiety attack while in there. I'm unprepared again, I haven't even ordered a rope yet, because to be honest, I haven't really decided on my preffered method. When I feel better, I usually choose to spend my energy on school and distractions, so I haven't done much research. I don't think I can get my hands on nitrogen, so my original preferred method, the exit bag, is likely not gonna work for me. I think the only way for me to go is partial hanging, since I want to do it at home, don't have access to any deadly drugs or stable high anchor points, that would support full hanging. I've also thought of stabbing myself in the neck, as once in the past I stabbed myself in a hand and it was kind of satisfying to see the blood leaving my body. But after the adrenaline left my body, it really hurt and a stab in the neck would probably hurt more. And every time I tried, SI kicked in.
Sometimes I wish I could be happy. Somewhere in another country, or even in this country, around friends, doing the job I want to do. But the road just seems too long and I feel like I won't make it. I'm currently studying an unrelated major at uni, I don't feel any connection with the few irl friends I have and the online friends just live too far away. Every little thing that goes wrong makes my anxiety skyrocket, and suddenly I'm crumpled on the floor again, crying, and the next day I'm too exhausted to go to school. And this is the case despite being on lots of meds and attending psychotherapy every week. I just feel like such a fucking failure. I don't want to experience any more of this. But I just can't get rid of that voice in the back of my mind, which keeps saying that maybe one day things will get better. Maybe I will somehow find the energy to review the high school maths and try to get accepted into a major I actually care about. Maybe I will manage to leave this fucking country and start a new life somewhere better. Maybe someone will accept me despite how disgusting I am. But those are just wishes and I doubt they all can be fulfilled. They could if I were a strong person with a clear purpose, I know that person could do all that. But I'm not that and sadly, I'm aware of it.
Sometimes I wish I could be happy. Somewhere in another country, or even in this country, around friends, doing the job I want to do. But the road just seems too long and I feel like I won't make it. I'm currently studying an unrelated major at uni, I don't feel any connection with the few irl friends I have and the online friends just live too far away. Every little thing that goes wrong makes my anxiety skyrocket, and suddenly I'm crumpled on the floor again, crying, and the next day I'm too exhausted to go to school. And this is the case despite being on lots of meds and attending psychotherapy every week. I just feel like such a fucking failure. I don't want to experience any more of this. But I just can't get rid of that voice in the back of my mind, which keeps saying that maybe one day things will get better. Maybe I will somehow find the energy to review the high school maths and try to get accepted into a major I actually care about. Maybe I will manage to leave this fucking country and start a new life somewhere better. Maybe someone will accept me despite how disgusting I am. But those are just wishes and I doubt they all can be fulfilled. They could if I were a strong person with a clear purpose, I know that person could do all that. But I'm not that and sadly, I'm aware of it.
