fishygirl
in the end, nothing matters
- Sep 17, 2023
- 210
its hard to put into words how i feel right now. things are supposed to be better. im supposed to be comfortable, im supposed to be happy. but everyday i only find more and more reasons to end it all. at the same time though im so scared, i really struggle with the infinite finality of death.
i want to die and yet im too scared to do it. and im also too scared to live and make big decisions on my own. it feels like all i want is to be high or sleeping all the time, hiding away in a hole, or having someone take complete care of me.
its essentially what im already doing, waking up just to get high and go to sleep again, to forget everything and run away from all my problems. i rely entirely on other people to sustain myself, and im always chasing things that i want for momentary "happiness".
i feel useless and stupid and like a waste of space, no matter how much i try i only burden others. i feel like if i was prettier i could "get away" with doing all these things, and maybe even find happiness. i feel like my life is meaningless because i hate myself so much, that i can never be satisfied with anything. i hate how i look, how i talk, my personality. everyone makes fun of me and insults me and walks all over me because i let them, because im an easy target, because i want to be invisible and "make up for" my existence. i feel ashamed, selfish, and like a bad person when i voice my opinions, or when i dont agree with something- even though it seems like it falls out of my mouth all the time
i want to hit something, i want to be hit, i feel so angry and sad because i am happy with nothing in my life, and most importantly not myself. i just, hate myself so so much. and maybe its vain, maybe its selfish, but i find it unfair that there are people blessed with beauty that get to be happy with themselves and their lives and im not.
i want to run away, i want to try to achieve "happiness" on my own... but it feels like a pipedream, ill never make enough money for it, and even if i eventually saved up enough, itd be years down the line and then id be old on top of being ugly too, and at that point it wouldnt even matter. would i even be "happy"? i just want something to change..
i dont even feel happy with my bf anymore... sometimes i feel like i love him more than anything, that im thankful that he puts up with me and looks after me. i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him, like i cant even imagine what itd be like without him there. im almost happy, sometimes.
and then it flips, and im angry hes not doing more, that if he really loved me hed be doing anything and everything for me. i become dissatisfied, i think "if i was pretty then i wouldnt have to settle for this" and i want to leave him and run away, even if it means i'd be on the streets. and then it flips again, and now i feel like a burden, someone who doesnt deserve my bf at all, and im so confused why he would choose me over anyone else. i feel like killing myself would let him be free to be with a better girl.
i dont know what to do anymore or even what i want. what would make me happy? and, what is the best choice? are always spinning in my head. death seems easier. its less complicated. and eveyone would be happier if i wasnt here. disappearing sounds like a good option, but being completely alone also terrifies me. i dont know. is this what it means to be human? i wish i was a cat instead.
i want to die and yet im too scared to do it. and im also too scared to live and make big decisions on my own. it feels like all i want is to be high or sleeping all the time, hiding away in a hole, or having someone take complete care of me.
its essentially what im already doing, waking up just to get high and go to sleep again, to forget everything and run away from all my problems. i rely entirely on other people to sustain myself, and im always chasing things that i want for momentary "happiness".
i feel useless and stupid and like a waste of space, no matter how much i try i only burden others. i feel like if i was prettier i could "get away" with doing all these things, and maybe even find happiness. i feel like my life is meaningless because i hate myself so much, that i can never be satisfied with anything. i hate how i look, how i talk, my personality. everyone makes fun of me and insults me and walks all over me because i let them, because im an easy target, because i want to be invisible and "make up for" my existence. i feel ashamed, selfish, and like a bad person when i voice my opinions, or when i dont agree with something- even though it seems like it falls out of my mouth all the time
i want to hit something, i want to be hit, i feel so angry and sad because i am happy with nothing in my life, and most importantly not myself. i just, hate myself so so much. and maybe its vain, maybe its selfish, but i find it unfair that there are people blessed with beauty that get to be happy with themselves and their lives and im not.
i want to run away, i want to try to achieve "happiness" on my own... but it feels like a pipedream, ill never make enough money for it, and even if i eventually saved up enough, itd be years down the line and then id be old on top of being ugly too, and at that point it wouldnt even matter. would i even be "happy"? i just want something to change..
i dont even feel happy with my bf anymore... sometimes i feel like i love him more than anything, that im thankful that he puts up with me and looks after me. i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him, like i cant even imagine what itd be like without him there. im almost happy, sometimes.
and then it flips, and im angry hes not doing more, that if he really loved me hed be doing anything and everything for me. i become dissatisfied, i think "if i was pretty then i wouldnt have to settle for this" and i want to leave him and run away, even if it means i'd be on the streets. and then it flips again, and now i feel like a burden, someone who doesnt deserve my bf at all, and im so confused why he would choose me over anyone else. i feel like killing myself would let him be free to be with a better girl.
i dont know what to do anymore or even what i want. what would make me happy? and, what is the best choice? are always spinning in my head. death seems easier. its less complicated. and eveyone would be happier if i wasnt here. disappearing sounds like a good option, but being completely alone also terrifies me. i dont know. is this what it means to be human? i wish i was a cat instead.
