Venting I'm not a good boyfriend

[GEIPPLaf]

Some time ago, I dated a girl who is now my ex. She was sweet, loving, and pretty considerate, but while I was her boyfriend, I couldn't give her even a fraction of what she gave me, not just in terms of material things like gifts, but in terms of affection too.

She used to give me gifts often, so I felt obligated to give her something in return, not because she demanded it, she's not like that, but because of the way I was raised. I know it's not her fault; it just made me feel guilty for being too exhausted to even get her a simple gift.

I'm also terrible at expressing my feelings, and I'm a very unstable person who can disappear for days without warning. Also, I explained to her that romantic and even non-romantic relationships overwhelm me, and daily chat is draining. But despite that, she would start coming to my house every time I disappeared, which stressed me out and embarrassed me.
And every time she showed up at my house, I was in the worst possible state: I hadn't showered in days and my hair was a mess because I was to busy feeling sorry to myself and being pathetic; it made me feel obligated to talk to her every day despite my exhaustion to keep her from showing up at my place unannounced.

I broke up with her one of those days when she came over after I hadn't replied to her messages for like two days. I was in a bad mood, so I was rude and ignored her until she left. It's been a few months since then, and we haven't spoken since.

I really like her, but I'm just not good at being in a relationship with others. When I think about how great she was, it makes me want to get back together with her, but the very next second, after thinking it over, I know I'd be a bad boyfriend for her; I wouldn't be able to give her the affection she wants, and I wouldn't feel comfortable either.

I wish I weren't so pitiful so I could reciprocate her feelings properly

 

[SASU-KE]

You made the right decision to break it off. You were unable to reciprocate her feelings. You were being considerate, actually. I guess you're more introverted at your core. Which would explain why you don't feel like chatting so much and being in touch with her daily.

Also, although you feel like getting back together, you're thinking it over properly and realizing it may not be the right decision for her. You're giving this a lot of thought. There's nothing pitiful or pathetic about it. This is how you're wired(as an introvert).You're choosing to spare her feelings by cutting it off.

 

[peacebenow]

The fact that you recognize this about yourself and your behavior and how it affected your relationship towards her is a good thing. If anything, you could write to her and explain yourself if it was left where she was hurt. If she is unable to understand for closure then you did the best you could and you tried.

 

[Flymiamibro22]

I'm in a similar situation and I understand how you feel. I'm trying to be better about it so I don't hurt any more people but I also still feel so guilty and terrible for putting someone through this. I hope you know that you're not alone in trying to change.