Venting I'm not a good boyfriend

[GEIPPLaf]

Some time ago, I dated a girl who is now my ex. She was sweet, loving, and pretty considerate, but while I was her boyfriend, I couldn't give her even a fraction of what she gave me, not just in terms of material things like gifts, but in terms of affection too.

She used to give me gifts often, so I felt obligated to give her something in return, not because she demanded it, she's not like that, but because of the way I was raised. I know it's not her fault; it just made me feel guilty for being too exhausted to even get her a simple gift.

I'm also terrible at expressing my feelings, and I'm a very unstable person who can disappear for days without warning. Also, I explained to her that romantic and even non-romantic relationships overwhelm me, and daily chat is draining. But despite that, she would start coming to my house every time I disappeared, which stressed me out and embarrassed me.
And every time she showed up at my house, I was in the worst possible state: I hadn't showered in days and my hair was a mess because I was to busy feeling sorry to myself and being pathetic; it made me feel obligated to talk to her every day despite my exhaustion to keep her from showing up at my place unannounced.

I broke up with her one of those days when she came over after I hadn't replied to her messages for like two days. I was in a bad mood, so I was rude and ignored her until she left. It's been a few months since then, and we haven't spoken since.

I really like her, but I'm just not good at being in a relationship with others. When I think about how great she was, it makes me want to get back together with her, but the very next second, after thinking it over, I know I'd be a bad boyfriend for her; I wouldn't be able to give her the affection she wants, and I wouldn't feel comfortable either.

I wish I weren't so pitiful so I could reciprocate her feelings properly

 

[SASU-KE]

You made the right decision to break it off. You were unable to reciprocate her feelings. You were being considerate, actually. I guess you're more introverted at your core. Which would explain why you don't feel like chatting so much and being in touch with her daily.

Also, although you feel like getting back together, you're thinking it over properly and realizing it may not be the right decision for her. You're giving this a lot of thought. There's nothing pitiful or pathetic about it. This is how you're wired(as an introvert).You're choosing to spare her feelings by cutting it off.

 

[peacebenow]

The fact that you recognize this about yourself and your behavior and how it affected your relationship towards her is a good thing. If anything, you could write to her and explain yourself if it was left where she was hurt. If she is unable to understand for closure then you did the best you could and you tried.

 

[Flymiamibro22]

I'm in a similar situation and I understand how you feel. I'm trying to be better about it so I don't hurt any more people but I also still feel so guilty and terrible for putting someone through this. I hope you know that you're not alone in trying to change.

 

[LostHighway]

Some time ago, I dated a girl who is now my ex. She was sweet, loving, and pretty considerate, but while I was her boyfriend, I couldn't give her even a fraction of what she gave me, not just in terms of material things like gifts, but in terms of affection too.

She used to give me gifts often, so I felt obligated to give her something in return, not because she demanded it, she's not like that, but because of the way I was raised. I know it's not her fault; it just made me feel guilty for being too exhausted to even get her a simple gift.

I'm also terrible at expressing my feelings, and I'm a very unstable person who can disappear for days without warning. Also, I explained to her that romantic and even non-romantic relationships overwhelm me, and daily chat is draining. But despite that, she would start coming to my house every time I disappeared, which stressed me out and embarrassed me.
And every time she showed up at my house, I was in the worst possible state: I hadn't showered in days and my hair was a mess because I was to busy feeling sorry to myself and being pathetic; it made me feel obligated to talk to her every day despite my exhaustion to keep her from showing up at my place unannounced.

I broke up with her one of those days when she came over after I hadn't replied to her messages for like two days. I was in a bad mood, so I was rude and ignored her until she left. It's been a few months since then, and we haven't spoken since.

I really like her, but I'm just not good at being in a relationship with others. When I think about how great she was, it makes me want to get back together with her, but the very next second, after thinking it over, I know I'd be a bad boyfriend for her; I wouldn't be able to give her the affection she wants, and I wouldn't feel comfortable either.

I wish I weren't so pitiful so I could reciprocate her feelings properly

I had a relationship like that. I was a shitty person to him. I broke up with him one afternoon and had a threesome later that day with people I didn't care about. That sucks. Anyway, I had to grow up. It took me a few years to learn how to treat people the way they ought to be treated. Learn from your experience. Treat your next girlfriend the way you should have treated your last one. Do Unto Others and all of that. Nearly every person who has ever been in a relationship has had regrets. It's okay. Learn and move on.

 

[meowpuppy]

i think you're conflating being a good boyfriend with being a good boyfriend for someone. everybody will want something different from you as a partner, and i think that the type of person you come off as, at least in this post, isn't immoral or incapable of entering into lovely relationships by any means. also, being exhausted to get gifts is obviously not something you should feel guilty about! people show their love in different ways, and i'm sure any future partner, if you want one, won't care if you don't get them gifts back but still show your love in another way

 

[revivals]

it sounds like she wasnt being the most considerate partner either. not giving you space and even showing up at your house against your wishes is very unfair to you. im sorry to hear that your relationship ended on a sour note, but even if you love someone its more important that they listen to you when you set boundaries. i know there is someone out there for you who is more compatible.