Hello everyone, I am a 35 year-old male who has been depressed for many years and after enough heartache to sink a ship I'm considering just going down with it.
To start off I was born to middle-class parents and had a fairly normal childhood but knew I was different from a young age. I was always fairly intelligent but despite that I never applied myself in school or bothered making friends starting from the age of seven. When I was given homework I wouldn't even bother doing it and I'd just hand in tests and wouldn't even write anything on them. Would be put in detention many times but I never cared and when teachers tried to force me to do anything I would just ignore them. By middle school I was skipping classes or just not showing up in general the vast majority of the time and despite being spanked or scolded by my parents the physical or emotional pain just never registered and I would just go about my day doing quintessentially nothing whatsoever other than maybe reading or sleeping. When I reached high school I just didn't go at all and it was never to do drugs or anything, iI would just walk into the woods outside of town and contemplate a plethora of things while being invisible to the world as a whole. Within a month of starting my sophomore year I was expelled and I felt free and was "happy" for once I guess you could say.
By the age of eighteen I got into drugs and was a regular user of opiates and would yet again walk into the woods or just lay in my room and contemplate life and all it entailed while high. I enjoyed the warm and fuzzy feeling the drugs as well as the relative numbness that they offered my body. I eventually decided to get a job after my parents incessantly drilled me about getting a job so I figured I may as try it so I was hired for the night shift at a grocery store to stock shelves. I did fairly well for a year or two of just showing up and doing the bare minimum and would spend most of money on acquiring drugs but pay a portion to my parents for rent because I enjoyed having a bed to lay in while high for the most part (otherwise I would have just became homeless). But eventually I was labelled an "insubordinate" by my boss because I refused to come in when called on my days off without any reasons given and would just hang up on him and after a dozen or so occasions of me doing that my employment there was terminated.
Eventually by the age of twenty-one, (after a few more part-time jobs) I moved with my parents to Florida from Colorado and never really did any better there truth be told. Found a dealer and just purchased opiates and paid rent with the money I made and floated by for two years before we relocated to Kansas due to my grandparents being in bad health and my parents desire to be around them before they passed away. In Kansas I met my first real girlfriend (had sex a few times prior but it meant nothing) and it eventually progressed into a relationship and we got along fairly well at first as she was a loner as well and we mt due to her asking me out because I reminded her of herself so she felt comfortable around me (she worked at a gas station where I would buy cigarettes regularly) and it all went fairly well for about two years until she got pregnant with our child and wanted to keep the baby and I was for the first time in my life... truly terrified... I was in over my head so I started drinking alcohol and quickly became an alcoholic despite not originally drinking much prior in my life.
We "argued" regularly during her pregnancy which consisted of her calling me lazy or uncaring and I in-turn would just walk away or disappear for a few days before returning to our apartment we acquired together. Never cheated on her despite her always believing I had been when I vanished and would basically just hide away on the outskirts of town because I had no friends nor did I ever prior to that point (or ever attain to this day). When our son was born I was in the delivery room and I helped her with the child for about 3-4 months before my drinking got out of control and I shoved her during an argument which landed me in jail for a month which was actually a very peaceful experience. I couldn't eat the food and found it revolting so I would just give my plates away and survived off of trading for juice and would sleep around 90% of my time there while talking to nobody. My cellmate was a meth-head and never shut up so I would just cover my head with a pillow.
After my month stay in jail I got out and was placed on probation for a year and after deciding that jail kind of sucked due to the awful food I quit drugs and only drank in-between probation meetings. My now-ex and son moved away so I moved back with my parents and attained another crappy job to add to the list of crappy jobs I had acquired in my life up to that point. I was around twenty-five at this point and lived as a hermit when I wasn't serving food at the nearby college and after my probation ended I began using drugs and upped my alcohol consumption as well and was high around 75% of my waking hours. I did this for about two years prior to quitting that job and used my extra money to just sleep all day in my room at my parents house, can't remember exactly how long this went on though but around a year If I had to fathom a guess...
When I was about twenty-eight my money ran out so I acquired another crappy job at a fast food place that served awful food consisting of mostly burgers, fries, and hot dogs (that I never bothered consuming personally even once) and on the way to work one morning I was taking a dirt road and a deer jumped in front of my vehicle and me being the strict vegan I had been for around eight years at that point avoided hitting it and ended up veering off a bridge where my truck proceeded to plummet around 30-35 feet into a river where I had been rendered unconscious. Sadly, a farmer had supposedly drove by shortly after and witnessed my truck upside-down in a shallow river and I woke up after a coma of six days. I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury which to this day has left my short-term memory nonexistent and caused a multitude of issues relating to coordination and other things. About 6 months later I acquired disability which allowed me to just lay in bed every day which was glorious to me.
Then out of the blue I met another woman who fancied me while I was trying online dating again. She messaged my profile and said I was handsome (I've always been a fairly good-looking guy in a Bradley Cooper-esque way) but she was nineteen which felt quite young to me... regardless she was very attractive with long black hair and light skin and a nice figure. I ended up flirting back due to that and within 3 months she was pregnant and in six months we had gotten married. By this point I was off of drugs but was still drinking, albeit moderately. Things went very well and my second son was born and was a perfect mix of my wife and I in many ways and things continued to go exceedingly well for another three entire years. Sadly though, by the time the four and a half year mark had passed my wife had grown tired of living with my parents so we worked on saving money and between my disability and her checks from the liquor store she began working at from early on in our marriage but there was a problem....
At that point I had not been on drugs for something like five or six years so I kept most of my paychecks for saving but due to my wife being unhappy sharing the house with my parents I let her have unrestricted access to my debit card which led to her being happy for the first few weeks of the month and miserable for the last half due to her buying random items she wanted and due to that in six months we had ZERO in savings... all the while my parents and my wife's relationship had grown nuclear in regards to it's toxicity and she began to constantly complain about them which would in-turn trigger me to lash out on my parents, all of which snowballed into me drinking more and more over a few months and our arguments getting ever more heated by the day until I ended up hitting my father out of anger which led to the cops being called on me and my second arrest in my life. I was in jail for 2 days this time though before my wife bailed me out and things went fine for around one week before another argument happened, this time between my wife and myself due to her nagging about my parents for around two hours straight which led to me telling her to shut up (along with another few choice words) and her driving away with our son in our car,
My wife and son were gone for two days before she called me to tell me that she was now living in a one-bedroom apartment and her boss at the liquor store had paid for the first month (as she spent all the money we had at the time) and so I confronted her boss with my wife by my side asking why he didn't help get us a two-bedroom apartment as living with my parents is what started the fight in the first place and he said he didn't care because I wasn't his employee but my wife was. I told him that I won't be able to stay with my wife for AN ENTIRE YEAR and he just roared at me and told me that it wasn't my problem. While we were talking his son who is employed there gets in my face and told me that I didn't deserve her and that she could do better than me. I told my wife that we were done with this job and that she needed to quit that moment and then her boss literally shoves me out of the business and told me to never show my face there again or he'd call the cops. Mind you I never raised my voice, made a threat, or anything of that nature. My wife just stared at the ground the entire "conversation" before following me out the door. I asked her what the hell was going on and she just told me "I'm not quitting" and I asked her why and she told me that they've done too much for her. I asked her if she wanted me or her job and she told me both but she will NEVER leave her job.
I asked her if she was cheating on me and she said no and that she would never do that but she loved her job there and I am inclined to believe that she has not cheated on me as she isn't the type.
This leads to today, I am now unable to even sleep next to my wife for another 364 days as of typing this and despite us having sex twice over the last two days and getting along well I can't help but feel shellshocked over what has happened recently. I love her but the fact that she signed a contract for a one-bedroom apartment without telling me after a simple argument and refusing to leave her job which is clearly manipulative and only cares about her because he wants a loyal worker with no baggage (AKA husband) attached who will show up any time he wants instead of her asking me if she should go in when not scheduled is just hard to comprehend for me. Also, the fact that my wife AGREED to sign for a one-bedroom apartment where I can only come by a few hours a day when she could have applied for a two-bedroom one (which would have at least got us out of my parents house) makes me feel as though she doesn't truly care about me and only used me for money or grew spiteful of me for some reason.
I've been considering just killing myself because I've had it with life at this point, I no longer really feel as though I'm even relevant and the fact that my wife bailed on me over a job that did a $250 deposit on a cheap ghetto apartment for her just so she could escape my parents house after blowing all my money when we could have rented a nice two-bedroom home baffles me. I've quite literally been a confused/depressed mess since yesterday and I've been given zero answers whatsoever. A husband and wife are supposed to support another and stick together and what happens feels like a betrayal that was made without even taking me into consideration whatsoever. I never even imagined she would do something this rash but I guess even if you've known somebody for almost five years you don't truly know them even if you've been there for them the entire time.
I am far from perfect and I have acknowledged that but I don't feel as though I did anything that warranted what has happened. Sure, I said some choice words and raised my voice but not once in our relationship did I hit her or anything like that, it is all just completely out of the blue and not knowing the reason for it all is literally driving me crazy because my wife just tells me "I finally got an apartment and you could have got us a place but you didn't" well obviously! But I wanted us to have a nicer place than a tiny run-down ghetto cube in the worst part of town.
So yeah, there is my story and I'll be surprised if any of you finish reading it but I'm posting it nonetheless because I figured that I should tell my story as I'm pretty sure that I'm over this existence as it's been a lackluster ride with a confusing ending so might go grab a handful of pills I saved for a rainy day years ago that I buried next to the tree out back in a waterproof box in case of emergency. Nobody will even care anyways because my wife has went from a loving an kind woman to a cold and indifferent one. It's funny how I went from cold and indifferent to kind and loving and she turned into the old me in the end.
Just goes to show that this world is a cruel joke and the moment you let your guard down you become the punchline in something akin to The Truman Show where the audience gets an unexpected twist at the end of the season.
Just downed 200mg's of morphine with nausea medication, haven't taken them in years, guess we will see what happens and what my fate is. If this doesn't cut it I'll likely hang myself in the near future but I'll make sure to do it on an empty stomach so I don't screw over the person who has to deal with the body.
To start off I was born to middle-class parents and had a fairly normal childhood but knew I was different from a young age. I was always fairly intelligent but despite that I never applied myself in school or bothered making friends starting from the age of seven. When I was given homework I wouldn't even bother doing it and I'd just hand in tests and wouldn't even write anything on them. Would be put in detention many times but I never cared and when teachers tried to force me to do anything I would just ignore them. By middle school I was skipping classes or just not showing up in general the vast majority of the time and despite being spanked or scolded by my parents the physical or emotional pain just never registered and I would just go about my day doing quintessentially nothing whatsoever other than maybe reading or sleeping. When I reached high school I just didn't go at all and it was never to do drugs or anything, iI would just walk into the woods outside of town and contemplate a plethora of things while being invisible to the world as a whole. Within a month of starting my sophomore year I was expelled and I felt free and was "happy" for once I guess you could say.
By the age of eighteen I got into drugs and was a regular user of opiates and would yet again walk into the woods or just lay in my room and contemplate life and all it entailed while high. I enjoyed the warm and fuzzy feeling the drugs as well as the relative numbness that they offered my body. I eventually decided to get a job after my parents incessantly drilled me about getting a job so I figured I may as try it so I was hired for the night shift at a grocery store to stock shelves. I did fairly well for a year or two of just showing up and doing the bare minimum and would spend most of money on acquiring drugs but pay a portion to my parents for rent because I enjoyed having a bed to lay in while high for the most part (otherwise I would have just became homeless). But eventually I was labelled an "insubordinate" by my boss because I refused to come in when called on my days off without any reasons given and would just hang up on him and after a dozen or so occasions of me doing that my employment there was terminated.
Eventually by the age of twenty-one, (after a few more part-time jobs) I moved with my parents to Florida from Colorado and never really did any better there truth be told. Found a dealer and just purchased opiates and paid rent with the money I made and floated by for two years before we relocated to Kansas due to my grandparents being in bad health and my parents desire to be around them before they passed away. In Kansas I met my first real girlfriend (had sex a few times prior but it meant nothing) and it eventually progressed into a relationship and we got along fairly well at first as she was a loner as well and we mt due to her asking me out because I reminded her of herself so she felt comfortable around me (she worked at a gas station where I would buy cigarettes regularly) and it all went fairly well for about two years until she got pregnant with our child and wanted to keep the baby and I was for the first time in my life... truly terrified... I was in over my head so I started drinking alcohol and quickly became an alcoholic despite not originally drinking much prior in my life.
We "argued" regularly during her pregnancy which consisted of her calling me lazy or uncaring and I in-turn would just walk away or disappear for a few days before returning to our apartment we acquired together. Never cheated on her despite her always believing I had been when I vanished and would basically just hide away on the outskirts of town because I had no friends nor did I ever prior to that point (or ever attain to this day). When our son was born I was in the delivery room and I helped her with the child for about 3-4 months before my drinking got out of control and I shoved her during an argument which landed me in jail for a month which was actually a very peaceful experience. I couldn't eat the food and found it revolting so I would just give my plates away and survived off of trading for juice and would sleep around 90% of my time there while talking to nobody. My cellmate was a meth-head and never shut up so I would just cover my head with a pillow.
After my month stay in jail I got out and was placed on probation for a year and after deciding that jail kind of sucked due to the awful food I quit drugs and only drank in-between probation meetings. My now-ex and son moved away so I moved back with my parents and attained another crappy job to add to the list of crappy jobs I had acquired in my life up to that point. I was around twenty-five at this point and lived as a hermit when I wasn't serving food at the nearby college and after my probation ended I began using drugs and upped my alcohol consumption as well and was high around 75% of my waking hours. I did this for about two years prior to quitting that job and used my extra money to just sleep all day in my room at my parents house, can't remember exactly how long this went on though but around a year If I had to fathom a guess...
When I was about twenty-eight my money ran out so I acquired another crappy job at a fast food place that served awful food consisting of mostly burgers, fries, and hot dogs (that I never bothered consuming personally even once) and on the way to work one morning I was taking a dirt road and a deer jumped in front of my vehicle and me being the strict vegan I had been for around eight years at that point avoided hitting it and ended up veering off a bridge where my truck proceeded to plummet around 30-35 feet into a river where I had been rendered unconscious. Sadly, a farmer had supposedly drove by shortly after and witnessed my truck upside-down in a shallow river and I woke up after a coma of six days. I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury which to this day has left my short-term memory nonexistent and caused a multitude of issues relating to coordination and other things. About 6 months later I acquired disability which allowed me to just lay in bed every day which was glorious to me.
Then out of the blue I met another woman who fancied me while I was trying online dating again. She messaged my profile and said I was handsome (I've always been a fairly good-looking guy in a Bradley Cooper-esque way) but she was nineteen which felt quite young to me... regardless she was very attractive with long black hair and light skin and a nice figure. I ended up flirting back due to that and within 3 months she was pregnant and in six months we had gotten married. By this point I was off of drugs but was still drinking, albeit moderately. Things went very well and my second son was born and was a perfect mix of my wife and I in many ways and things continued to go exceedingly well for another three entire years. Sadly though, by the time the four and a half year mark had passed my wife had grown tired of living with my parents so we worked on saving money and between my disability and her checks from the liquor store she began working at from early on in our marriage but there was a problem....
At that point I had not been on drugs for something like five or six years so I kept most of my paychecks for saving but due to my wife being unhappy sharing the house with my parents I let her have unrestricted access to my debit card which led to her being happy for the first few weeks of the month and miserable for the last half due to her buying random items she wanted and due to that in six months we had ZERO in savings... all the while my parents and my wife's relationship had grown nuclear in regards to it's toxicity and she began to constantly complain about them which would in-turn trigger me to lash out on my parents, all of which snowballed into me drinking more and more over a few months and our arguments getting ever more heated by the day until I ended up hitting my father out of anger which led to the cops being called on me and my second arrest in my life. I was in jail for 2 days this time though before my wife bailed me out and things went fine for around one week before another argument happened, this time between my wife and myself due to her nagging about my parents for around two hours straight which led to me telling her to shut up (along with another few choice words) and her driving away with our son in our car,
My wife and son were gone for two days before she called me to tell me that she was now living in a one-bedroom apartment and her boss at the liquor store had paid for the first month (as she spent all the money we had at the time) and so I confronted her boss with my wife by my side asking why he didn't help get us a two-bedroom apartment as living with my parents is what started the fight in the first place and he said he didn't care because I wasn't his employee but my wife was. I told him that I won't be able to stay with my wife for AN ENTIRE YEAR and he just roared at me and told me that it wasn't my problem. While we were talking his son who is employed there gets in my face and told me that I didn't deserve her and that she could do better than me. I told my wife that we were done with this job and that she needed to quit that moment and then her boss literally shoves me out of the business and told me to never show my face there again or he'd call the cops. Mind you I never raised my voice, made a threat, or anything of that nature. My wife just stared at the ground the entire "conversation" before following me out the door. I asked her what the hell was going on and she just told me "I'm not quitting" and I asked her why and she told me that they've done too much for her. I asked her if she wanted me or her job and she told me both but she will NEVER leave her job.
I asked her if she was cheating on me and she said no and that she would never do that but she loved her job there and I am inclined to believe that she has not cheated on me as she isn't the type.
This leads to today, I am now unable to even sleep next to my wife for another 364 days as of typing this and despite us having sex twice over the last two days and getting along well I can't help but feel shellshocked over what has happened recently. I love her but the fact that she signed a contract for a one-bedroom apartment without telling me after a simple argument and refusing to leave her job which is clearly manipulative and only cares about her because he wants a loyal worker with no baggage (AKA husband) attached who will show up any time he wants instead of her asking me if she should go in when not scheduled is just hard to comprehend for me. Also, the fact that my wife AGREED to sign for a one-bedroom apartment where I can only come by a few hours a day when she could have applied for a two-bedroom one (which would have at least got us out of my parents house) makes me feel as though she doesn't truly care about me and only used me for money or grew spiteful of me for some reason.
I've been considering just killing myself because I've had it with life at this point, I no longer really feel as though I'm even relevant and the fact that my wife bailed on me over a job that did a $250 deposit on a cheap ghetto apartment for her just so she could escape my parents house after blowing all my money when we could have rented a nice two-bedroom home baffles me. I've quite literally been a confused/depressed mess since yesterday and I've been given zero answers whatsoever. A husband and wife are supposed to support another and stick together and what happens feels like a betrayal that was made without even taking me into consideration whatsoever. I never even imagined she would do something this rash but I guess even if you've known somebody for almost five years you don't truly know them even if you've been there for them the entire time.
I am far from perfect and I have acknowledged that but I don't feel as though I did anything that warranted what has happened. Sure, I said some choice words and raised my voice but not once in our relationship did I hit her or anything like that, it is all just completely out of the blue and not knowing the reason for it all is literally driving me crazy because my wife just tells me "I finally got an apartment and you could have got us a place but you didn't" well obviously! But I wanted us to have a nicer place than a tiny run-down ghetto cube in the worst part of town.
So yeah, there is my story and I'll be surprised if any of you finish reading it but I'm posting it nonetheless because I figured that I should tell my story as I'm pretty sure that I'm over this existence as it's been a lackluster ride with a confusing ending so might go grab a handful of pills I saved for a rainy day years ago that I buried next to the tree out back in a waterproof box in case of emergency. Nobody will even care anyways because my wife has went from a loving an kind woman to a cold and indifferent one. It's funny how I went from cold and indifferent to kind and loving and she turned into the old me in the end.
Just goes to show that this world is a cruel joke and the moment you let your guard down you become the punchline in something akin to The Truman Show where the audience gets an unexpected twist at the end of the season.
Just downed 200mg's of morphine with nausea medication, haven't taken them in years, guess we will see what happens and what my fate is. If this doesn't cut it I'll likely hang myself in the near future but I'll make sure to do it on an empty stomach so I don't screw over the person who has to deal with the body.
Last edited:
