Viceroy
Student
- Oct 20, 2020
- 101
My fucking soul hurts. A lot. All the fucking time. It never leaves me alone, at most I get a few hours here and there or a day or two (about 4 a month) of not feeling like hell on earth but even on those good days/hrs they aren't even that good.
Apart from a roof over my head and food/water I have nothing. I cant take it anymore. At this point, I have to die. I simply can't take it anymore. I can't. I literally spend 99% of my time disassociating from reality in a mild way otherwise this wretched monster of hate and death and suffering and pain and humiliation and all sorts comes out to feast on me.
Im so, so alone. I've been alone for so long I cant remember what its like not to be alone. Literally, I have not a single person in my life who I love or loves me back, or anything even close. This isn't right. I long to be held by someone and valued. But it never happens. All I want is to have a friend or a partner to be good with. I can feel my mind melting and rotting away. It shouts at me all day every day Kill yourself, Kill yourself, Kill yourself. There's so much going on I dont know where to start or what to do. My heart can deal with the awfulness, so my brain shuts it out for as long as it can.
I think the problem is that for whatever reason nobody likes me. I seriously cant figure it out. I was ok when I was in primary school and then around the age of 20ish nobody ever wanted to get to know me for any longer than a few weeks/months. Everyone always left or just stopped talking to me, same happens with new people. Never know why. Nobody says.
Sometimes I wonder if its my face/height. Im short and ugly, a winning combo! These days looks seem to matter more than they ever did, so a short ugly guy like me isn't wanted around most people because it brings their perception of their social standing down - humans generally organize around looks as a default marker of value. Good looking people are usually treated better, paid more, seen as more trustworthy, have little trouble finding relationships etc all for the luck of being good looking, something they didn't have any input over. In HS it wasn't so bad but as the years went on I felt more and more excluded. When I step outside I literally feel like a fucking 12 year old pretty much every one is taller than me its really fucking humiliating. My hair is fucked up cause I had an infection too so its patchy and gross.
My dick was damaged in a childhood accident so it doesnt work properly which obviously causes me no end of mental distress and problems trying to get into relationships, not that I have even bothered for years now. The damage happen when I young so it's had its impact on me over my development and for years I saw myself as sexually broken. As a result I have been put off the idea of sex with women, but I'm not gay so my sexually is off and broken. I don't see the point really, along side all that im struggling with traumatic memories, an ongoing illness which means I can barely move/speak/eat without being uncomfortable. Im poor, uneducated, forced to live with parents due to life circumstances. Its a total mess.
I turned 26 the other months and I hate it. I really really hate it. I feel so old seeing as nothing has come of my life despite trying so hard to get the right help I needed but I was never given it. I feel a lot of loss over the years 16 to 26, Literally nothing happened. I feel like my life is honest over, that I'll be living in these circumstances forever. I feel like ive totally missed out on so many developmental milestones that I don't know who I am anymore. I certainly dont feel 26. I dont know what age I feel. Its really uncomfortable and makes me panic thinking about it.
Nothing interests me anymore. I feel past my best. Theres no lightness to anything, no joy. Its just empty and flat. I feel nothing at all almost all days. When i feel anything, its bad things.
All I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved by someone but nothing even close. Everything has caused so many psychological problems that I havent even looked in the mirror in over 2 years so I literally cant remember what I look like. I wear gloves all the time so I dont have to look at the skin on my hands.
I don't even know what I need to do or where to begin. I just want to fucking valued, hugged, touched, accepted, etc. I really cant take much more of this but now it seems that this will go on forever, or at least many more years due to my poor health, disability, lack of money etc. Im ruined and the people that failed to stop it when they could have were my parents, so how do i even begin to get over that lol. My whole trust in humanity is broken, im not even sure im capable of loving. I have felt empty of empathy for a long long time now, as well as other normal humane emotions. So I really think im just so far gone than nothing is going to get good enough if it even gets better. Maybe im just a weird guy with undiagnoses aspergers or something. I just dont fucking get it. Im careful with how I act and what I say but still nothing. Some people say its cause im 'depressed' but how can I be happy with so many key parts of life going wrong? I
The only good thing about my appearance was my body shape, but ofc now im disabled I cant work out lol. What a fucking joke. Im sorry but I just cant live without being part of humanity. Even if I woke up healthy tomorrow i'd still have a shit ton of catching up to do and seeing as im already short and ugly really what are my chances? I don't even have the passion for education/work I used to have.
Everything is just so fucked. Pretty much everything went wrong and the sad part is it never needed to and that means my traumatic memories of neglect are always there pinning down my mind. Im completely the opposite of what I was like in HS - Cheery, happy, confidence, joking. I dont even know myself anymore. Im an anxious, weird mess. Every now and then I will slip out of this ongoing disassociation and will be shocked and panicked by what my life actually is now. I have to block everything good out of my mind cause I know I cant ever have it now im so unhealthy/disabled and uneducated/poor.
I wish it never happened. I still cant believe it. If it didnt, I would almost certainly be educated and employed, probably have a gf too.
I know only one person who has in a way become a bit of a therapist to me, but she is leaving for another country. It was a paid thing which is pretty sad that I have to go to those lengths to get something so essential like talking to others and being hugged but there u go thats my worthless life. I only knew her 6 months then didn't see her for a full year due to my fucking disease then by the time it settled down again she suddenly says shes going by the end of the month and I wont have the chance to say goodbye. I don't even think she wants to know me anymore either like everyone else in my life. I could be open and trusted her which managed to do more for my mental well being than years of worthless therapy did. But thats fucking over now so great. I can't have anything go right. As soon as something comes along which is good for me or gives me hope it soon vanishes or something gets in the way, so that I never end up managing to build up enough momentum.
I just see my future as being disabled, or if I get a cure then working for decades, totally alone until I die. I hate the idea of getting older. I see myself as being a lonely sad old man. No, I'd rather die young and with some dignity. How wretched is that. Its literally nightmarish. Fuck this society its so anti human. You don't see this sort of thing anywhere near as much as u do in modern western countries. Loneliness and despaired are all over. I bet most people kill themselves over this. I certainly want to. I refuse to live a worthless, empty, quite, loveless life of nothingness but work and money. I DONT care about work and money. I care about feeling loved and valued.
Please God just kill my in my sleep. I've had 10 years of nonstop misery and loneliness. It hurts so fucking much. Literally, it hurts my soul. I've had so many things go wrong and so many years of isolation that I don't even fit into my own peer group. and I can't seem to know they want to socialize about. You know what I want? I just want to meet others and they love and accept others unconditionally without having to give so called value to their life. Humans are so obsessed with gaining things at the expense of calm and free love and joy. Once you admit it or see it you can't unsee it. I don't even like who and what we are as humans
SN is getting hard to get in the UK and N is basically something nobody will share info on. So looks like taking huge ODs of painkillers and alcohol to see if that works. THis is a shitty rant but oh well
I'm going to kill myself sooner target than later. Its all over. Time to go home. I can feel death calling my name wanting to hug me and end the endless torment.
Apart from a roof over my head and food/water I have nothing. I cant take it anymore. At this point, I have to die. I simply can't take it anymore. I can't. I literally spend 99% of my time disassociating from reality in a mild way otherwise this wretched monster of hate and death and suffering and pain and humiliation and all sorts comes out to feast on me.
Im so, so alone. I've been alone for so long I cant remember what its like not to be alone. Literally, I have not a single person in my life who I love or loves me back, or anything even close. This isn't right. I long to be held by someone and valued. But it never happens. All I want is to have a friend or a partner to be good with. I can feel my mind melting and rotting away. It shouts at me all day every day Kill yourself, Kill yourself, Kill yourself. There's so much going on I dont know where to start or what to do. My heart can deal with the awfulness, so my brain shuts it out for as long as it can.
I think the problem is that for whatever reason nobody likes me. I seriously cant figure it out. I was ok when I was in primary school and then around the age of 20ish nobody ever wanted to get to know me for any longer than a few weeks/months. Everyone always left or just stopped talking to me, same happens with new people. Never know why. Nobody says.
Sometimes I wonder if its my face/height. Im short and ugly, a winning combo! These days looks seem to matter more than they ever did, so a short ugly guy like me isn't wanted around most people because it brings their perception of their social standing down - humans generally organize around looks as a default marker of value. Good looking people are usually treated better, paid more, seen as more trustworthy, have little trouble finding relationships etc all for the luck of being good looking, something they didn't have any input over. In HS it wasn't so bad but as the years went on I felt more and more excluded. When I step outside I literally feel like a fucking 12 year old pretty much every one is taller than me its really fucking humiliating. My hair is fucked up cause I had an infection too so its patchy and gross.
My dick was damaged in a childhood accident so it doesnt work properly which obviously causes me no end of mental distress and problems trying to get into relationships, not that I have even bothered for years now. The damage happen when I young so it's had its impact on me over my development and for years I saw myself as sexually broken. As a result I have been put off the idea of sex with women, but I'm not gay so my sexually is off and broken. I don't see the point really, along side all that im struggling with traumatic memories, an ongoing illness which means I can barely move/speak/eat without being uncomfortable. Im poor, uneducated, forced to live with parents due to life circumstances. Its a total mess.
I turned 26 the other months and I hate it. I really really hate it. I feel so old seeing as nothing has come of my life despite trying so hard to get the right help I needed but I was never given it. I feel a lot of loss over the years 16 to 26, Literally nothing happened. I feel like my life is honest over, that I'll be living in these circumstances forever. I feel like ive totally missed out on so many developmental milestones that I don't know who I am anymore. I certainly dont feel 26. I dont know what age I feel. Its really uncomfortable and makes me panic thinking about it.
Nothing interests me anymore. I feel past my best. Theres no lightness to anything, no joy. Its just empty and flat. I feel nothing at all almost all days. When i feel anything, its bad things.
All I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved by someone but nothing even close. Everything has caused so many psychological problems that I havent even looked in the mirror in over 2 years so I literally cant remember what I look like. I wear gloves all the time so I dont have to look at the skin on my hands.
I don't even know what I need to do or where to begin. I just want to fucking valued, hugged, touched, accepted, etc. I really cant take much more of this but now it seems that this will go on forever, or at least many more years due to my poor health, disability, lack of money etc. Im ruined and the people that failed to stop it when they could have were my parents, so how do i even begin to get over that lol. My whole trust in humanity is broken, im not even sure im capable of loving. I have felt empty of empathy for a long long time now, as well as other normal humane emotions. So I really think im just so far gone than nothing is going to get good enough if it even gets better. Maybe im just a weird guy with undiagnoses aspergers or something. I just dont fucking get it. Im careful with how I act and what I say but still nothing. Some people say its cause im 'depressed' but how can I be happy with so many key parts of life going wrong? I
The only good thing about my appearance was my body shape, but ofc now im disabled I cant work out lol. What a fucking joke. Im sorry but I just cant live without being part of humanity. Even if I woke up healthy tomorrow i'd still have a shit ton of catching up to do and seeing as im already short and ugly really what are my chances? I don't even have the passion for education/work I used to have.
Everything is just so fucked. Pretty much everything went wrong and the sad part is it never needed to and that means my traumatic memories of neglect are always there pinning down my mind. Im completely the opposite of what I was like in HS - Cheery, happy, confidence, joking. I dont even know myself anymore. Im an anxious, weird mess. Every now and then I will slip out of this ongoing disassociation and will be shocked and panicked by what my life actually is now. I have to block everything good out of my mind cause I know I cant ever have it now im so unhealthy/disabled and uneducated/poor.
I wish it never happened. I still cant believe it. If it didnt, I would almost certainly be educated and employed, probably have a gf too.
I know only one person who has in a way become a bit of a therapist to me, but she is leaving for another country. It was a paid thing which is pretty sad that I have to go to those lengths to get something so essential like talking to others and being hugged but there u go thats my worthless life. I only knew her 6 months then didn't see her for a full year due to my fucking disease then by the time it settled down again she suddenly says shes going by the end of the month and I wont have the chance to say goodbye. I don't even think she wants to know me anymore either like everyone else in my life. I could be open and trusted her which managed to do more for my mental well being than years of worthless therapy did. But thats fucking over now so great. I can't have anything go right. As soon as something comes along which is good for me or gives me hope it soon vanishes or something gets in the way, so that I never end up managing to build up enough momentum.
I just see my future as being disabled, or if I get a cure then working for decades, totally alone until I die. I hate the idea of getting older. I see myself as being a lonely sad old man. No, I'd rather die young and with some dignity. How wretched is that. Its literally nightmarish. Fuck this society its so anti human. You don't see this sort of thing anywhere near as much as u do in modern western countries. Loneliness and despaired are all over. I bet most people kill themselves over this. I certainly want to. I refuse to live a worthless, empty, quite, loveless life of nothingness but work and money. I DONT care about work and money. I care about feeling loved and valued.
Please God just kill my in my sleep. I've had 10 years of nonstop misery and loneliness. It hurts so fucking much. Literally, it hurts my soul. I've had so many things go wrong and so many years of isolation that I don't even fit into my own peer group. and I can't seem to know they want to socialize about. You know what I want? I just want to meet others and they love and accept others unconditionally without having to give so called value to their life. Humans are so obsessed with gaining things at the expense of calm and free love and joy. Once you admit it or see it you can't unsee it. I don't even like who and what we are as humans
SN is getting hard to get in the UK and N is basically something nobody will share info on. So looks like taking huge ODs of painkillers and alcohol to see if that works. THis is a shitty rant but oh well
I'm going to kill myself sooner target than later. Its all over. Time to go home. I can feel death calling my name wanting to hug me and end the endless torment.
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