Venting Im scared

[Denza]

I just got back from the doctor and he discussed to me the possibility of me having bipolar disorder. I didnt want this appointment, I wanted it all to play out without seeking out help again since it worked so fucking great before. Theyre talking about putting me back on my meds again which scares me. I already have pieces in place for my "untimely" death to answer the questions most people I know might have. I've already set my mind to it, but Im scared whatever theyre gonna make me take is actually going to put me back to being "normal" again. I dont want any of that.

Id already burnt down alot of my connections in the long term. "friends", past intimate relationships, even made alot of people dislike me because of my frequent outbursts. The thought of making it up to them when Im better scares me because of the potential distrust theyre going to have against me and the potential rejection I might face.

I dont want to go back to square one when it all ends up getting better for me.
I dont want to go through all of that because they want me to stay in this fucking world.

why cant they just let me be.
why wont they

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What actually stops you to "pull the trigger now" when you already have a method and you have everything? Living is hard dying is even harder and there's SI. I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

 

[AkaRed]

I may not have bipolar disorder, but I do have a crippling dislike of taking my medications and going to doctor's appointments for my mental health in general. Something about sitting in the doctor's office, or across from the therapist makes me feel so broken inside. I can't stand it.

The thought of me needing to be fixed, take pills and go to sessions tugs at me harshly and makes me cave inside myself all over again. I don't like that I have to work at all to be 'normal'. If that's all that's left for me, I don't want to be normal. I don't need normal.

You're absolutely not alone in your thoughts, and going through these things is terrifying. My diagnosis' has always put me down in a way I can't really describe, and I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with it. It's horrible.

If you need someone to talk to, my PMs are always open.

<3

 

[Redleaf1992]

Do you have to take the meds if they diagnose you? I don't know where you live but I believe for most countries you're not required unless you have sectioned.

 

[Denza]

What actually stops you to "pull the trigger now" when you already have a method and you have everything? Living is hard dying is even harder and there's SI. I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

It's more like I cant find the right time and place. And I havent found the best method for me. Im stuck between SN and a form of hanging but my indecisive ass is going to get me in trouble if they do get me on medication.

Do you have to take the meds if they diagnose you? I don't know where you live but I believe for most countries you're not required unless you have sectioned.

My mom is really strict on medication especially since there was a period of time where I didn't take them when I was in my school's dorm so she NEEDS to see me take them. If i try to avoid it, she gets all fucking pissy and it sends me down a spiral cuz it just makes it feel like i made a big mistake.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's more like I cant find the right time and place. And I havent found the best method for me. Im stuck between SN and a form of hanging but my indecisive ass is going to get me in trouble if they do get me on medication.

"The right time" is probably never there. "The right place" is the place where you're undisturbed for the minimum amount of time you'd need for your method to succeed. Ik this can be a very difficult task - maybe more difficult than to choose a method - depending on your living circumstances.

Would you be forced to take medication? That won't really disturb a SN plan or hanging in the end, medication won't change your real desire in the end.

 

[Denza]

I may not have bipolar disorder, but I do have a crippling dislike of taking my medications and going to doctor's appointments for my mental health in general. Something about sitting in the doctor's office, or across from the therapist makes me feel so broken inside. I can't stand it.

The thought of me needing to be fixed, take pills and go to sessions tugs at me harshly and makes me cave inside myself all over again. I don't like that I have to work at all to be 'normal'. If that's all that's left for me, I don't want to be normal. I don't need normal.

You're absolutely not alone in your thoughts, and going through these things is terrifying. My diagnosis' has always put me down in a way I can't really describe, and I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with it. It's horrible.

If you need someone to talk to, my PMs are always open.

<3

I just hate it that they only decide to "help" me again when I finally have the resolve to do it. They have the confidence to tell me that I shouldnt be doing x or start doing y when almost my entire life in highschool ive been crying for help to get out of this shit and they just decide to respond to that cry when it's already a done deal.

Thank you for your offer to talk..
I might just start doing that since I have noone.

"The right time" is probably never there. "The right place" is the place where you're undisturbed for the minimum amount of time you'd need for your method to succeed. Ik this can be a very difficult task - maybe more difficult than to choose a method - depending on your living circumstances.

Would you be forced to take medication? That won't really disturb a SN plan or hanging in the end, medication won't change your real desire in the end.

It isnt the medication alone im really scared of

It's everything else they might try alongside that. Like give me less time to myself, try to make me reconnect, that type of shit.
It's also a matter of SI. Ive tried before and I failed because of the connection I had with my then girlfriend. Ik I don't have that now but Im also still scared of the remote possibility that something similar might happen.

 

[AkaRed]

I just hate it that they only decide to "help" me again when I finally have the resolve to do it. They have the confidence to tell me that I shouldnt be doing x or start doing y when almost my entire life in highschool ive been crying for help to get out of this shit and they just decide to respond to that cry when it's already a done deal.

Yeah I know what you mean. Feeling unheard for so long, suffering for so long, and then finally reaching your conclusion only for them to suddenly perk up and potentially change everything and ruin it. That's so awful I'm so sorry.

<3

 

[Denza]

Yeah I know what you mean. Feeling unheard for so long, suffering for so long, and then finally reaching your conclusion only for them to suddenly perk up and potentially change everything and ruin it. That's so awful I'm so sorry.

<3

It's all just bs man. The moment I stop asking for help is when they start "helping"

Also it's ok man you dont have to be sorry for stuff you didnt do huhu