Venting I'm here again

[void_end]

I thought I turned on a new leaf, I thought I escaped this loop hole.

I was very happy, I felt like life was finally smiling back at me, even with problems I just ignored it and moved on, I felt so powered, got into a healthy relationship, tried new things, life wasn't better.

Now here I fuckin am, I'm genuinely the creator of my own problems. It started with that fuckin feeling of wanting to go, I ignored it, again and again. So why won't it go, it kept getting worse, my mental state is getting worse again. It's affecting my relationship, affecting my friends, my job, everything, and I keep trying to stop. I can't, I have been slowly trying to overdose and sleeping it off, but inside me I don't want to die yet. I'm so confused, I say that but I still take the drugs, I say that but I still try to attempt. I'm so damn scared. I hate this. I just want it to be all colours and rainbows again.

Today my boyfriend told me to stay with him, that he feels like something is happening and doesn't understand what. That I seem fine but I keep bringing up death indirectly, and that he noticed I lost a lot of weight in a short time. I told him he's acting weird and brushed it off but I feel like I'm genuinely going insane.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I feel it, mate. I'm sorry you're back here. Often when life smiles at us it's mocking us. Congratulations on getting into a healthy relationship though! It seems like your boyfriend really loves you. My suggestion? Tell him. Just talk with him about your feelings. It sounds like at least a part of you doesn't truly want to go yet, and you'd be surprised how much talking to him might help. Wishing you love and peace, mate

 

[LostHighway]

What meds are you taking? That could significantly worsen your situation. Especially if they're benzos. They could be CAUSING your situation at this point. If it's benzos, they MUST be withdrawn incredibly slowing, using the Ashton Manual, free online. Anyway, I'm glad you realize you are the source of your problems. That gives me hope you can get out of this. What sent you off the rails? A particular incident?

 

[void_end]

What meds are you taking? That could significantly worsen your situation. Especially if they're benzos. They could be CAUSING your situation at this point. If it's benzos, they MUST be withdrawn incredibly slowing, using the Ashton Manual, free online. Anyway, I'm glad you realize you are the source of your problems. That gives me hope you can get out of this. What sent you off the rails? A particular incident?

I have been taking blood pressure medication and lots of painkillers. I only started taking them after I started struggling with this fucked up situation. The problem is if I knew what's wrong I can fix it, there is genuinely nothing that I can mention that even could be related, it's almost like a wave of depression and thoughts just appeared out of nowhere and haunting me. I'm genuinely sick of this endless cycle, I thought I was finally free, I really did. I'm trying my best to ignore it for now hopefully it goes away, but in the mean time my reckless actions are absolutely wrecking my body. Whenever I relapse I start eating any chemicals that literally come my way in hopes to die and then wake up the second day freaking the fuck out.

I feel it, mate. I'm sorry you're back here. Often when life smiles at us it's mocking us. Congratulations on getting into a healthy relationship though! It seems like your boyfriend really loves you. My suggestion? Tell him. Just talk with him about your feelings. It sounds like at least a part of you doesn't truly want to go yet, and you'd be surprised how much talking to him might help. Wishing you love and peace, mate

I will try but dumping such heavy emotions on someone makes me feel pathetic and feel bad for them, I don't want him to know, I feel bad he even noticed

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'd compel you to think about it... It's hypocrite because I pushed people away too, but it hurts when you don't know.

 

[void_end]

I'd compel you to think about it... It's hypocrite because I pushed people away too, but it hurts when you don't know.

I will take your advice because there really is nothing else, I will stop being a coward, maybe I won't dump my emotions on him but I will try to speak up, I really want this to work, I don't want to leave him behind, or my cat.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I will take your advice because there really is nothing else, I will stop being a coward, maybe I won't dump my emotions on him but I will try to speak up, I really want this to work, I don't want to leave him behind, or my cat.

I'm glad. I truly think it'll help you. Wish you the best

 

[LostHighway]

I have been taking blood pressure medication and lots of painkillers. I only started taking them after I started struggling with this fucked up situation. The problem is if I knew what's wrong I can fix it, there is genuinely nothing that I can mention that even could be related, it's almost like a wave of depression and thoughts just appeared out of nowhere and haunting me. I'm genuinely sick of this endless cycle, I thought I was finally free, I really did. I'm trying my best to ignore it for now hopefully it goes away, but in the mean time my reckless actions are absolutely wrecking my body. Whenever I relapse I start eating any chemicals that literally come my way in hopes to die and then wake up the second day freaking the fuck out.

I will try but dumping such heavy emotions on someone makes me feel pathetic and feel bad for them, I don't want him to know, I feel bad he even noticed

Please, please learn how to taper safely off of these chemicals. You can't stop cold turkey. RFK is now going to pay doctors to de-prescribe (a TERRIBLE thing to do), so if your doctor does this to you, INSIST you taper very slowly.

I encourage you to ask your doctor (or find one) who will prescribe an SSRI. It can save your life.

 

[wisdom]

Life is smiling at me, I think that I am escaping the loop. Wish you the best