Venting i'm having a hard time, any advice?

[fruitcup333]

hello all,

i just wanted to vent here for a second and hope someone may be able to relate or offer advice on a number of things that've crossed my mind recently. i'm sure some of you have seen my mini goals thread (is it called a thread? lol) to help myself as i'm currently trying to stop a depression episode from getting worse and prevent myself from spiraling downward further. and i know recovery isn't a linear thing and it'll have its ups and downs but it seems that the way my emotions sway is very severe. it seems like sometimes i can go through having a good day to a bad day and vice versa multiple times a day even within the span of mere minutes at times. my therapist says i'm very good at "all-or-nothing" thinking and i agree but that's thinking not feeling (i know the two are intertwined though) but it seems like my emotions have a mind of their own and seem to be "all-or-nothing" and in turn my thoughts follow suit. it's making it very hard to try and get out of the depressive episode and actually want to not ctb.

on top of all this it's affecting my work which i don't like at all. my job is pretty fast paced and i feel like i'm slowing down a lot because when i get in a down mood i just feel like giving up on everything. i do actually enjoy working when i feel good but it's really hard to enjoy it if you feel like shit. not to mention my job is very stressful at times and even when i'm doing good i can feel that stress, but since i've been in these down moods it's hard to just not give up at the slightest stress i feel.

another thing i'm having issues with because of these ruts i'm going through is my motivation for school. i went to class the other day and we were reading this essay some lady wrote and i couldn't help but feel bad about myself because the writing was so well done and it was written how i wish i could write and it just reminded me that i'll never be able to live up to that academic ideal i want to achieve. i want to be the perfect student and in my mind i can live out that reality but then when it comes time for me to actually take action i'm left not wanting to because i can't achieve the perfect ideal that exists in my head (i hope this makes sense). i know with depression and ADHD school can look different and my effort and what works for me can look different but i can't help but compare myself to the ideals in my head. does anyone else struggle with this?

i think that's all i've got to say for now. if anyone can relate let me know or if you have any advice i'd love to hear it. i'm sorry about my ramblings here too i just feel like this is my safe space to actually talk about my feelings free of judgement because the people here understand. thanks again for giving my words your time of day.

 

[orpheus_]

The part you wrote about that essay and writing is too relatable. I wish I could just, do things, make something, like art or academic stuff, but I just always look at these people who are already good at it and thing... Damn, I will never be so good. I will never make good illustrations without art school, I will never write a good essay or novel because I cannot express my thoughts coherently, because my mind is too chaotic etc. Probably not true, objectively, because these people who are good also got there somehow. Also that.. just not wanting to do anything anymore sometimes. I don't get severe mood swings but I am very inconsistent about what I want to do, both long term goals and short term activities. I can sometimes have a long-time goal and want to commit to it, then the next hour it doesn't matter at all. I have no advice, really, I'm sorry you're going through this especially if your mood changes so drastically, that must be tiring. You mentioned adhd so I'm assuming you have it, that is very likely related but I guess that you know it already.
I could say that just try to make things, write if you want to write, do some stuff without caring if it's perfect or not but at the same time I know it's very hard "not caring" about it and also doing *anything* in this situation is probably hard. Not saying there is nothing than can be done here but I for sure don't know the answers and I'm also looking for them.