Discussion I'm getting better and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

[paperbaghat]

My life has gotten so much busier in the past month. I've started attending classes again, keeping a good attendance record, being more proactive in my learning and sometimes talking to others. I often find myself smiling when over-hearing my peer's conversations (they are very entertaining). I have also started cooking meals for my family again and going on daily walks.

Despite these improvements, I feel a intense feeling of dread; the further I climb out of this hole the greater I will fall if I fail or burn out. I often ruin positive moments or my entire day by reminding myself of how I will mess up again and how I never deserved to get better in the first place, that I will eventually succumb to my suicidal thoughts.
The dissonance between my actions and emotions leaves my conflicted and uncomfortable since I want to get better, but I can't imagine a world where I don't commit suicide. Has anyone felt a similar way?

 

[SnaileyBailey]

That happened to me and I think its normal, especially for people who have been in depressive slumps for a very long time. Try making long term goals for yourself, when suicide stops being an end goal then stability stops being scary.

Keep at it! You sound like you're making a lot of good improvements for yourself.