I’m convinced it would be so much easier to endure this torture if everyone knew about it

[JassieDusk]

I'm not talking about slitting my wrists and posting it on social media and be like "oh look I'm so depressed" or that type of shit. (Not saying I haven't done it before in my pre-pubescent depression phase lol)

I mean genuinely know that I am suffering. I don't know if I am searching for sympathy, but I am most definitely not looking for help because I know there isn't any.
I want to have a reason to feel this way. I want to have gone through a traumatic event (which is a horrible thing to say I know) to actually be able to say "look, this happened to me and that's why I am suffering".
Because every time I open up to someone and they ask "why?", I don't know what to say. I can't explain that my brain is just a sick, rotten, dark place.

I can't think of anything to do or say to not seem attention seeking. No, it's not a phase, I am sick and I want people to know that I am sick.
Yes, it is "all in my head". My head is the problem. But it's not as harmless as it sounds. It's a never ending torture without any point or reason. All day every day. Sleep is my only escape from my head. My head is suffocating me and I don't even know what I am waiting for. I just want people to be aware, even if I don't know what change it would bring.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I'm not talking about slitting my wrists and posting it on social media and be like "oh look I'm so depressed" or that type of shit. (Not saying I haven't done it before in my pre-pubescent depression phase lol)

I mean genuinely know that I am suffering. I don't know if I am searching for sympathy, but I am most definitely not looking for help because I know there isn't any.
I want to have a reason to feel this way. I want to have gone through a traumatic event (which is a horrible thing to say I know) to actually be able to say "look, this happened to me and that's why I am suffering".
Because every time I open up to someone and they ask "why?", I don't know what to say. I can't explain that my brain is just a sick, rotten, dark place.

I can't think of anything to do or say to not seem attention seeking. No, it's not a phase, I am sick and I want people to know that I am sick.
Yes, it is "all in my head". My head is the problem. But it's not as harmless as it sounds. It's a never ending torture without any point or reason. All day every day. Sleep is my only escape from my head. My head is suffocating me and I don't even know what I am waiting for. I just want people to be aware, even if I don't know what change it would bring.

If it makes you feel any better, I am aware. And many of us here are in similar boats, so I understand. And I understand wanting a reason to feel this way, but I feel like society places too much emphasis on that. You don't have to go through something terrible for your pain to be valid. All pain is valid, and you don't need a reason behind it to prove your suffering is real to anyone. I see it. I believe you. I also think attention seeking is demonized when it shouldn't be, I'm not saying you are. I mentioned that because you said you don't want to seek attention seeking and that reminded me people act as if that's a crime. Even if you did seem attention seeking, so what? I don't know why that bothers society so much. Similar to when people who self-harm are accused of attention seeking, and I know it depends on the person and situation and many people aren't doing it for attention but for many other reasons, HOWEVER, even if there's people who DO do it for attention, if they are willing to go that far for attention, they need help anyways and something is clearly wrong. And instead of judging and demonizing attention seeking, people should be given that attention and love and care. But that's just my opinion. Anyways I'm sorry you're suffering, my brain is a dark, hopeless place too. I am also tired of people saying it's all in our heads. The brain is one of, if not the most important organ in the body. If something is wrong with the brain, I feel it should be taken just as seriously as anywhere else.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what you mean. I've had similar thoughts. Even just for people to be aware of how difficult something might be for us. I tend to struggle with just about anything social. I suppose there's the hope people would expect less of us or, be less disappointed when we fail- if they realised what a (debatable) disadvantage we approach certain things with. I suppose that is the tricky part though. How can we be sure that other people aren't struggling too?

But yeah, sometimes- when expectations on me or disappointments about me materialise, I'm tempted sometimes to just blurt out: 'It's taking a lot of my strength just to stay alive! It's really not my choice or preference to be alive at all! So- to expect massive achievements on top of that is pushing it.'

 

[JassieDusk]

If it makes you feel any better, I am aware. And many of us here are in similar boats, so I understand. And I understand wanting a reason to feel this way, but I feel like society places too much emphasis on that. You don't have to go through something terrible for your pain to be valid. All pain is valid, and you don't need a reason behind it to prove your suffering is real to anyone. I see it. I believe you. I also think attention seeking is demonized when it shouldn't be, I'm not saying you are. I mentioned that because you said you don't want to seek attention seeking and that reminded me people act as if that's a crime. Even if you did seem attention seeking, so what? I don't know why that bothers society so much. Similar to when people who self-harm are accused of attention seeking, and I know it depends on the person and situation and many people aren't doing it for attention but for many other reasons, HOWEVER, even if there's people who DO do it for attention, if they are willing to go that far for attention, they need help anyways and something is clearly wrong. And instead of judging and demonizing attention seeking, people should be given that attention and love and care. But that's just my opinion. Anyways I'm sorry you're suffering, my brain is a dark, hopeless place too. I am also tired of people saying it's all in our heads. The brain is one of, if not the most important organ in the body. If something is wrong with the brain, I feel it should be taken just as seriously as anywhere else.

This is so true, I wish more people understood this.
Attention seeking literally translates to "a cry for help". Look at me, notice me, save me. Instead we are seen as an emo who just wants to be in the spotlight because duh, being healthy and happy is overrated anyway.

I wish there was a separate universe for us with "ill" brains, that way we wouldn't have to torture out our last atoms of strength and courage to fit in into the "healthy world" when we will most likely never be a part of it.
It's either pretend and suffer in silence or be very much undesirable and misunderstood by your whole environment

I know what you mean. I've had similar thoughts. Even just for people to be aware of how difficult something might be for us. I tend to struggle with just about anything social. I suppose there's the hope people would expect less of us or, be less disappointed when we fail- if they realised what a (debatable) disadvantage we approach certain things with. I suppose that is the tricky part though. How can we be sure that other people aren't struggling too?

But yeah, sometimes- when expectations on me or disappointments about me materialise, I'm tempted sometimes to just blurt out: 'It's taking a lot of my strength just to stay alive! It's really not my choice or preference to be alive at all! So- to expect massive achievements on top of that is pushing it.'

I know right. When you're in survival mode everyone else's minimum becomes your maximum and suddenly you're treated like a criminal because of physically not being able to follow up with everyone else

 

[blacksand]

Good post. I often think this also. I am a grown man and feel like screaming with anguish constantly. It's like being buried alive and no one hears.