Help My survival instinct has gotten so much harder after attempting so much, how to fix it?

[Aphid]

I've attempted countless times and I've been successful multiple times in going unconscious and getting to the phase of brain damage in PSH, every time I've either been stopped by something external or my body forces me out, and lately I've found when I attempt it's so much harder to commit to it, like way harder, sometimes I can't even get close to the noose. I just want to face my punishment, i just want to die how I'm supposed to. Please help?

 

[ZwartHartje]

Maybe try a different method instead? It's very understandable that you'd shrink away from this one when it has caused you damage in the past. It's like making the same mistake over and over. Best to do something entirely different, maybe.