Venting I’m a selfish piece of shit

[willitpass]

I know I shouldn't do what I'm doing. I shouldn't allow myself to fall down the hole I'm descending oh so quickly yet again. I promised my loved ones when I was in treatment this time that I wouldn't do exactly what I'm doing right now… Hiding, lying, silently falling. I told my therapist in residential that I was going to stay alive for the rest of my cats life after seeing how much it distressed her while I was gone. I have incredible friends who are supportive beyond belief. An amazing job who went out of their way to ensure I didn't lose my spot and went above and beyond to get me back in when I was ready. My family have supported me financially, materially, emotionally, etc. more than I could have ever asked for. So many people rooting for me. So many things going for me. So many reasons to live.

Yet here I am. Scrolling suicide content. Calculating how much longer I think I have it in me. Getting ready to OD on laxatives. Driving around stuck in my thoughts rather than tell someone I'm struggling. I know I shouldn't. But I'm so fucking tired. It's exhausting beyond measure to keep fighting, especially when fighting merely makes me miserable but slightly less suicidal. And what more can anyone do for me? There truly isn't anything else that can reasonably be offered to me. I'm so fucking tired.

God please just take this all away from me. I don't want to hurt those who care about me so fucking much. I don't want to abandon the people who have done so many wonderful things for me. It feels like saying fuck you to everyone who helped me to just end it in the exact way I told everyone I wasn't going to. I shouldn't have lied to them. I know myself well enough, I've been trapped in this cycle for over a decade, realistically I knew this would happen. I shouldn't have made those promises. But god I can't keep doing this. I'm so fucking tired.

I'm a selfish piece of shit. I am going to set fire to all the tremendous shows of kindness to me rather than accept them with gratitude.

 

[deadbidaylight]

You are not selfish. You're exhausted from the fight. You've done your best. And you didn't lie to everyone because you really did try. I think a lot of us stick around because we feel like it's our responsibility to our loved ones to keep them from hurting. But in doing that we sometimes sacrifice ourselves. It doesn't make you any less of a person to have done your best, but lost the battle within. Some of us can't be saved. I'm not saying that you can't- I don't know enough about your situation, but it is ultimately up to you at the end of the day how you want your future to look.

You are not obligated to be here just because you had a great support group. And you also don't need to beat yourself up for still wanting out even after everything. You're already in enough pain, please be kind to yourself. Wanting to leave this world is valid, and you shouldn't need to feel guilty or ashamed for wanting to. We all have our reasons, and a lot of times the people around us couldn't understand even if they tried. You are not a piece of shit. Like you said, you are tired. And that's okay.

I'm not sure what your future holds, but I hope that you're able to find the peace you deserve, whether it be here or in death. You deserve quiet.

We hear you. We see you. We are with you

 

[willitpass]

I need to go. God I need to go. A decade and a half of agony. Over half my life I've been suffering. I can't keep fighting this. Why can't I be free? I don't want to die this way. Yet it seems the universe is leaving me with no choice.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Lucky you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You're clearly not selfish considering your profession. I don't think you could be in a caring profession and be that selfish.

It seems more likely you have unresolved issues though. The awful thing is- after so much treatment, I'm not sure what could be done to create the change in you.

Is abusing laxatives connected to an eating disorder? Did they focus on treating that? Do you want to be rid of that? Or, is it more about self destruction? I suppose from a total laypersons perspective, I see the problem as- the desire to self destruct, punish yourself, control your appearance or weight seems far more powerful than the desire to recover. I don't know how you alter that- if that is the case. Did they even establish that? I suppose I don't really get why they haven't helped you more. I see it more like their fault rather than yours. Were there 'safety plans' put in place if you felt the need to self harm via abusing medication again?

I'm sorry you are suffering so badly once more. I think the real tragedy is that you are suffering this much when it's obvious that you actually aren't a selfish person. Even via your profession, you must have helped so many people. The awful thing to me is that now, you can't seem to get the right fit in treatment to rid yourself of what ails you.