Venting I'm a coward and I'm not ready

[Ethernatuskoi]

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I plan, no matter how good the method is, I just can't do it out of sheer fear and cowardice. I already have panic attacks over the smallest things and my heart rate increases dramatically, so if I try to ctb in any way I will end up going crazy and bitterly regretting every second of the decision I made. I know I'm not ready yet, and I recognize that. The idea of ctb is drastic and, depending on what you do, it will be irreversible, so it's something you need to be 100% sure you want to do. Changing your mind takes time for many, but despite being scared and cowardly, I feel terrible most of the time and I don't know what to do to deal with it. I wish I could press a magic button and make myself disappear already

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Seems like your situation is quite rough. Not being able to go on living normally, but not being able to die either. It's like being stuck in limbo, and it's infuriating. There's no shame in backing out from ctb. It's a permanent descision, as you said, so if you aren't ready to do anything, don't.

One can only see what happens with time. Some get ready, some never, and some even manage to move onwards. It sounds so easy leaving it up to time, and I believe most of us here are so fed up with allowing time to tell, but when you're stuck between two choices there isn't much you can really do. I hope this helps, and I wish you luck.

 

[maggot]

There's nothing wrong with that. Unkess you're in some catastrophic situation you're not forced to do it.

 

[SVEN]

When you're ready, I'm sure you will know. Until then, it's fine to just continue to endure. There's no pressure to take a one way trip.
Best wishes for things settling down a bit for you, whatever your final decision.