Some of my therapists were or are optimistic about me. Though I don't really share that attitude. Besides I don't think I can hold a job the following is another major issue: Bipolar disorders usually proceed in cycles. There are exceptions but I have to pray (as if this would work) that I am one of the exceptions which is rather unlikely. I noticed I become after every crash from mania into depression more and more suicidal and serious about killing myself. The remaining hope becomes less and less. My problems accumulate instead of being solved. I try to postpone the collapse as long as possible and hope for miracles (I needed more than one...) to happen.
I have many different problems. Either poverty kills me or another crash into depression maybe both. I think I almost relapsed last semester. It was pretty close but addictive medication saved my ass. I am glad my psychiatrist is as crazy to give me them in such a frequency. I have a very high impulse control and could so far dodge to become an addict. She retires in some years and if I don't find anyone who goes on with this very risky strategy I am extremely fucked. I don't know what to do then. Studying without the addictive medication would cause a collapse I am very sure about that.
I am not sure how exactly my relapse will happen. I am not 100% certain about some mechanisms. I fear that the resilience just gets less over the time. So that it is only a matter of time. I think my demise is certain but not exactly how and when. There are so many scenarios in which I am forced to kill myself. I am now suicidal since one decade and this is the greatest time period for me since 6 years. Still I am suicidal daily and hate myself. I have so many different conditions which ruin my life quality. Suicide has become even more difficult since my mom had a stroke. I am very scared to survive an attempt and she dies or gets severely disabled because of the stress.
As I said I try to postpone that hell breaks lose. I have anaylzed the situation and I have a lot of problems though addiction seems to be less dangerous than a relapse. I am also very scared about becoming an addict but rationally it is less dangerous than a psychosis. The situation is so fucked up. I run away from my problems. And reading statistics about an average bipolar person makes me even more desperate. So far I am a very severe case. And my relatives were very severe cases too. I think I could not even survive if I would be one 1/3 of the least affected people. My future scares the shit out of me. There are many variables which make a prediction almost impossible. I try to fight and give my best. But reading statistics makes me pretty depressed. I know one is always an individual person. I think my therapists suffered from the following. When I was extremely depressed they were too pessimistic. And when I had some success they were too optimistic.
Two people I thought about a lot recently a therapist in a clinic that barely knew me and another patient treated me like I was delusional. I just would not see my future in a realistic way. I know such a fallacy can happen when one is depressed. I probably was also in certain relations too pessimistic about my condition. But my core problems with this illness are rather longterm. My job experiences were horrendous, I am such a wreck on many issues and rely heavily on help of my parents. Well they won't live forever. And I see how other people live in my country who cannot hold a job. And I am pretty convinced I will never accept that.
So I think everything is said. I have several strategies to avoid a thinking fallacy that I was too pessimistic (which could lead to self-fulfiling prophecies). Due to the fact I tend to negative thinking patterns I try a lot of things I would never think they could work. Most of it failed and was pretty painful. In the end I had some success this is why my therapists were so optimistic. Though I need miracles and not some progress. Even a lot of success might be insufficient.
I have many different problems. Either poverty kills me or another crash into depression maybe both. I think I almost relapsed last semester. It was pretty close but addictive medication saved my ass. I am glad my psychiatrist is as crazy to give me them in such a frequency. I have a very high impulse control and could so far dodge to become an addict. She retires in some years and if I don't find anyone who goes on with this very risky strategy I am extremely fucked. I don't know what to do then. Studying without the addictive medication would cause a collapse I am very sure about that.
I am not sure how exactly my relapse will happen. I am not 100% certain about some mechanisms. I fear that the resilience just gets less over the time. So that it is only a matter of time. I think my demise is certain but not exactly how and when. There are so many scenarios in which I am forced to kill myself. I am now suicidal since one decade and this is the greatest time period for me since 6 years. Still I am suicidal daily and hate myself. I have so many different conditions which ruin my life quality. Suicide has become even more difficult since my mom had a stroke. I am very scared to survive an attempt and she dies or gets severely disabled because of the stress.
As I said I try to postpone that hell breaks lose. I have anaylzed the situation and I have a lot of problems though addiction seems to be less dangerous than a relapse. I am also very scared about becoming an addict but rationally it is less dangerous than a psychosis. The situation is so fucked up. I run away from my problems. And reading statistics about an average bipolar person makes me even more desperate. So far I am a very severe case. And my relatives were very severe cases too. I think I could not even survive if I would be one 1/3 of the least affected people. My future scares the shit out of me. There are many variables which make a prediction almost impossible. I try to fight and give my best. But reading statistics makes me pretty depressed. I know one is always an individual person. I think my therapists suffered from the following. When I was extremely depressed they were too pessimistic. And when I had some success they were too optimistic.
Two people I thought about a lot recently a therapist in a clinic that barely knew me and another patient treated me like I was delusional. I just would not see my future in a realistic way. I know such a fallacy can happen when one is depressed. I probably was also in certain relations too pessimistic about my condition. But my core problems with this illness are rather longterm. My job experiences were horrendous, I am such a wreck on many issues and rely heavily on help of my parents. Well they won't live forever. And I see how other people live in my country who cannot hold a job. And I am pretty convinced I will never accept that.
So I think everything is said. I have several strategies to avoid a thinking fallacy that I was too pessimistic (which could lead to self-fulfiling prophecies). Due to the fact I tend to negative thinking patterns I try a lot of things I would never think they could work. Most of it failed and was pretty painful. In the end I had some success this is why my therapists were so optimistic. Though I need miracles and not some progress. Even a lot of success might be insufficient.
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