Help I have borderline personality disorder and want to CTB with liquid morphine

[NRBPD]

Hello

I'm a gay male, mid 30s and I've been suffering from mental health issues for 24 years. I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. I have tried various treatments including medication, therapy and I've been hospitalised four times (three for attempted suicide, one for crippling anxiety).

I have had periods of being stable and content, but they are short lived. Medications and therapy have helped me but my case is chronic and I feel like I can't carry on anymore.

I work a minimum wage job despite having a master's degree, as I can't get a better job due to mental health issues. I am stuck in an unhappy marriage that I feel I can't escape due to codependency and financial issues. My spouse doesn't work. My landlord has recently said he is increasing the rent by a few hundred pounds which I can't afford and I'll probably end up homeless if the council can't rehome us.

I'm at a point where I am just done and can't cope or live a life like this anymore. My partner has family members who can support him if I CTB.

I have had multiple failed attempts (some which were physically painful) in the past and I just want to find a way to go peacefully.

I thought of overdosing on liquid morphine. The problem is that I have no idea how to spot or approach a drug dealer in the street. I don't want to order anything online as my husband insists on knowing what's in every parcel I receive. I also don't want it to be intercepted in the post or traced back to me. In the city I used to live in I knew people who did substances recreationally so everything was through word of mouth. I don't know anyone in my current area in the East of England who does hard recreational drugs so I'm lost on how to start this process. I literally have no idea how to spot or ask someone in public if they know where to get morphine. I am very socially awkward and have bad social anxiety so it's also hard for me to just strike up a conversation with a stranger.

I have also considered using SN, but it's now illegal for public purchase in the UK. I also thought of heroin as it's stronger than morphine but I have no idea how to prepare it (I've never used it before) and I'm not good at practical things, so I'd rather just use something I can swallow, like morphine.

I also have a bunch of psychiatric medication that I'm prescribed and that I can overdose on, but I've done that multiple times in the past and it's never worked.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[rotciv]

Look for fentanyl, nitazenes or methadone. The remaining opioids require very high doses for a guaranteed CTB.

 

[NRBPD]

I'd rather use something I can swallow instead of injecting, which is why I haven't considered fentanyl. I also don't know how easy fentanyl is to get in the UK. Isn't liquid morphine stronger than methadone?

 

[NRBPD]

Look for fentanyl, nitazenes or methadone. The remaining opioids require very high doses for a guaranteed CTB.

If I were to use methadone how much would I need to take? I'm a 6ft male.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I'd rather use something I can swallow instead of injecting, which is why I haven't considered fentanyl. I also don't know how easy fentanyl is to get in the UK. Isn't liquid morphine stronger than methadone?

Due to the physical properties of a very potent narcotic (smuggle tiny amount for many sales), fentanyl is highly prevalent in north American markets... As far as I can tell without traveling the world buying drugs, fentanyl is killing people in all developed countries and cheaper substances elsewhere. I've only injected drugs one time but with a brand new needle it was as easy as giving one to a dog.

On a practical basis I think maybe looking into all of the street opioids is pretty expedient if you don't already have a tolerance, and you might just get bonus fent in anything you buy anyway.

 

[sanitystruggle]

You're very unlikely to find liquid morphine being sold by street dealers in the UK. It's not a common drug of abuse: dealers tend to stick to things like heroin, crack and fake valium pills. It's hard to find morphine and if you did it'd likely be someone selling their prescription Oramorph so only available occasionally and in small quantities. It's pretty much unavailable even on DNMs too so unless you can persuade a doctor to prescribe it for you (which is going to be extremely difficult unless you have certain medical conditions that would justify it) it's very hard to get hold of.

Methadone is fairly easy to overdose on: it's more potent than diamorphine (heroin), which is itself 2-3x the potency of morphine. The problem would still be getting hold of it in a large enough quantity. When it's prescribed it's often taken in a supervised situation to avoid diversion and it's most commonly produced as a 1mg/ml oral syrup. You'd need 500-1000ml for a reliable OD! It's less commonly available as a 10mg/ml concentrate or in tablet form, but those are even harder to find. There are a few listings on the DNM I use, but only the 1mg/ml syrup and 20-40mg tablets. They're also quite expensive, £300 for 20x40mg tablets or £50 for a 100ml bottle of the syrup.

 

[rotciv]

If I were to use methadone how much would I need to take? I'm a 6ft male.

5 grams min

 

[NRBPD]

You're very unlikely to find liquid morphine being sold by street dealers in the UK. It's not a common drug of abuse: dealers tend to stick to things like heroin, crack and fake valium pills. It's hard to find morphine and if you did it'd likely be someone selling their prescription Oramorph so only available occasionally and in small quantities. It's pretty much unavailable even on DNMs too so unless you can persuade a doctor to prescribe it for you (which is going to be extremely difficult unless you have certain medical conditions that would justify it) it's very hard to get hold of.

Methadone is fairly easy to overdose on: it's more potent than diamorphine (heroin), which is itself 2-3x the potency of morphine. The problem would still be getting hold of it in a large enough quantity. When it's prescribed it's often taken in a supervised situation to avoid diversion and it's most commonly produced as a 1mg/ml oral syrup. You'd need 500-1000ml for a reliable OD! It's less commonly available as a 10mg/ml concentrate or in tablet form, but those are even harder to find. There are a few listings on the DNM I use, but only the 1mg/ml syrup and 20-40mg tablets. They're also quite expensive, £300 for 20x40mg tablets or £50 for a 100ml bottle of the syrup.

Thanks for all the info. I didn't realise methadone was that strong. Sounds like it's going to be difficult to get though. Have you ordered substances on the DNM without them being intercepted in the post? Not sure if it's a realistic option for me to have it sent in the post anyway, as my husband will want to know what's in the parcel I receive… I guess it's more realistic than trying to find a dealer on the street though, as like I said I have no idea how to find or approach one.

 

[NRBPD]

Are nitazenes easily available on the streets in the UK? As I said above I'm a bit wary of ordering stuff online. But I also don't know any dealers or how to spot/approach one in the streets. So I feel a bit stuck/helpless on what to do.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Hello

I'm a gay male, mid 30s and I've been suffering from mental health issues for 24 years. I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. I have tried various treatments including medication, therapy and I've been hospitalised four times (three for attempted suicide, one for crippling anxiety).

I have had periods of being stable and content, but they are short lived. Medications and therapy have helped me but my case is chronic and I feel like I can't carry on anymore.

I work a minimum wage job despite having a master's degree, as I can't get a better job due to mental health issues. I am stuck in an unhappy marriage that I feel I can't escape due to codependency and financial issues. My spouse doesn't work. My landlord has recently said he is increasing the rent by a few hundred pounds which I can't afford and I'll probably end up homeless if the council can't rehome us.

I'm at a point where I am just done and can't cope or live a life like this anymore. My partner has family members who can support him if I CTB.

I have had multiple failed attempts (some which were physically painful) in the past and I just want to find a way to go peacefully.

I thought of overdosing on liquid morphine. The problem is that I have no idea how to spot or approach a drug dealer in the street. I don't want to order anything online as my husband insists on knowing what's in every parcel I receive. I also don't want it to be intercepted in the post or traced back to me. In the city I used to live in I knew people who did substances recreationally so everything was through word of mouth. I don't know anyone in my current area in the East of England who does hard recreational drugs so I'm lost on how to start this process. I literally have no idea how to spot or ask someone in public if they know where to get morphine. I am very socially awkward and have bad social anxiety so it's also hard for me to just strike up a conversation with a stranger.

I have also considered using SN, but it's now illegal for public purchase in the UK. I also thought of heroin as it's stronger than morphine but I have no idea how to prepare it (I've never used it before) and I'm not good at practical things, so I'd rather just use something I can swallow, like morphine.

I also have a bunch of psychiatric medication that I'm prescribed and that I can overdose on, but I've done that multiple times in the past and it's never worked.

Any advice would be appreciated.

If it were me, SN is still available to buy and that's what I'd go with, but I'd have to have it shipped to another location to circumvent the partner. Street drugs are too risky.