Discussion Anyone struggling with Bipolar Disorder

[thinkkank]

I've been doing some research and I think I'm bipolar. It explains a lot of things that I'm dealing with now and things in my past.
When I'm manic I experience delusions and hypergraphia which is a compulsion to write about my delusions. When I was younger I did the same thing but it was coupled with full blown psychosis. Hallucinations, magical thinking, urges the whole nine yards. I was damn near schizophrenic.
My mania made me believe that certain ideas were good ideas. I carried them out and lo and behold they were a huge mistake. This happened for years. Some of the biggest decisions I made that affected the trajectory of my life were the result of a manic state and I didn't even know it.
Knowing what the problem is does help. I'm able to identify the triggers for my manic state and I'm able to identify a manic episode when it happens, but they still happen.
I heard that getting enough sleep and having a routine helps. I know I'm supposed to get medication but I can't afford that right now. I've heard that medication can make you feel worse, so even if I could afford it I don't want to take it. I can only meditate which does help a little.
There might be some ADHD in there as well too. I don't know if that comes from bipolar disorder or it accompanies it like a sidekick, but I definitely can't focus.
The psychosis died down so now I only deal with delusions which is good. I'll be dealing with this my whole life. I will never have a normal life. I will never be able to the things that I want to do. My psychosis might come back to. My brain is against me. My brain keeps making me believe things that aren't true. It makes me do things that I don't want to do and I can't change that.
Suicide ideation is also common, which is why I and I'm sure many others are here. The chances of it turning into a successful suicide attempt are pretty high to.
I was always fucked. From day one I was fucked. I was given a shtty brain and I have to carry it with me till the day I die.
Do you have bipolar disorder? What happens when you have a manic episode? How do you cope with it.

 

[KANCEL]

Mania is tricky. It always sneaks up from behind and fools me.
In my experience the medication does not have the ability to prevent a manic episode. If the mania wants to get through, it will get through. There are meds like Halodol, that will knock a person out for awhile, but I always wake up just as delusional as I was prior to the shot. I'm very anti psych meds.
The only way to get yourself out of a manic episode and delusional thinking is to talk yourself out of it. But that is easier said than done

You mentioned that you were currently delusional but, no psychosis? I personally consider delusional thinking and psychosis to be one and the same for me. I hate being delusional, it's so convincing. Auditory and visual hallucinations are usually present as well when I am delusional.

I hate manic episodes and the trouble they always bring me, therefore I try to avoid them as much as I can.
Mania loves confidence, so I try to reject confidence as best I can. This fuels the depression I am already in, but it's better than the mania.


My life is going nowhere regardless what I do Ive come to learn over the years. Depression dominates my life, the mania is secondary but very destructive when it shows up

 

[cronin1us]

I have bipolar. When I am manic, I typically spend a fortune and can fly all over the world, quitting jobs and losing relationships.