Discussion Anyone struggling with Bipolar Disorder

[thinkkank]

I've been doing some research and I think I'm bipolar. It explains a lot of things that I'm dealing with now and things in my past.
When I'm manic I experience delusions and hypergraphia which is a compulsion to write about my delusions. When I was younger I did the same thing but it was coupled with full blown psychosis. Hallucinations, magical thinking, urges the whole nine yards. I was damn near schizophrenic.
My mania made me believe that certain ideas were good ideas. I carried them out and lo and behold they were a huge mistake. This happened for years. Some of the biggest decisions I made that affected the trajectory of my life were the result of a manic state and I didn't even know it.
Knowing what the problem is does help. I'm able to identify the triggers for my manic state and I'm able to identify a manic episode when it happens, but they still happen.
I heard that getting enough sleep and having a routine helps. I know I'm supposed to get medication but I can't afford that right now. I've heard that medication can make you feel worse, so even if I could afford it I don't want to take it. I can only meditate which does help a little.
There might be some ADHD in there as well too. I don't know if that comes from bipolar disorder or it accompanies it like a sidekick, but I definitely can't focus.
The psychosis died down so now I only deal with delusions which is good. I'll be dealing with this my whole life. I will never have a normal life. I will never be able to the things that I want to do. My psychosis might come back to. My brain is against me. My brain keeps making me believe things that aren't true. It makes me do things that I don't want to do and I can't change that.
Suicide ideation is also common, which is why I and I'm sure many others are here. The chances of it turning into a successful suicide attempt are pretty high to.
I was always fucked. From day one I was fucked. I was given a shtty brain and I have to carry it with me till the day I die.
Do you have bipolar disorder? What happens when you have a manic episode? How do you cope with it.

 

[KANCEL]

Mania is tricky. It always sneaks up from behind and fools me.
In my experience the medication does not have the ability to prevent a manic episode. If the mania wants to get through, it will get through. There are meds like Halodol, that will knock a person out for awhile, but I always wake up just as delusional as I was prior to the shot. I'm very anti psych meds.
The only way to get yourself out of a manic episode and delusional thinking is to talk yourself out of it. But that is easier said than done

You mentioned that you were currently delusional but, no psychosis? I personally consider delusional thinking and psychosis to be one and the same for me. I hate being delusional, it's so convincing. Auditory and visual hallucinations are usually present as well when I am delusional.

I hate manic episodes and the trouble they always bring me, therefore I try to avoid them as much as I can.
Mania loves confidence, so I try to reject confidence as best I can. This fuels the depression I am already in, but it's better than the mania.


My life is going nowhere regardless what I do Ive come to learn over the years. Depression dominates my life, the mania is secondary but very destructive when it shows up

 

[cronin1us]

I have bipolar. When I am manic, I typically spend a fortune and can fly all over the world, quitting jobs and losing relationships.

 

[thinkkank]

I have bipolar. When I am manic, I typically spend a fortune and can fly all over the world, quitting jobs and losing relationships.

the one good thing that comes from that is getting to see new places. sounds like an adventure till the credit card is cancelled

Mania is tricky. It always sneaks up from behind and fools me.
In my experience the medication does not have the ability to prevent a manic episode. If the mania wants to get through, it will get through. There are meds like Halodol, that will knock a person out for awhile, but I always wake up just as delusional as I was prior to the shot. I'm very anti psych meds.
The only way to get yourself out of a manic episode and delusional thinking is to talk yourself out of it. But that is easier said than done

You mentioned that you were currently delusional but, no psychosis? I personally consider delusional thinking and psychosis to be one and the same for me. I hate being delusional, it's so convincing. Auditory and visual hallucinations are usually present as well when I am delusional.

I hate manic episodes and the trouble they always bring me, therefore I try to avoid them as much as I can.
Mania loves confidence, so I try to reject confidence as best I can. This fuels the depression I am already in, but it's better than the mania.


My life is going nowhere regardless what I do Ive come to learn over the years. Depression dominates my life, the mania is secondary but very destructive when it shows up

there are many horror stories with medication. a lot of times it just makes you feel worse, but if it doesn't make you feel manic then it is sort of considered a success

 

[Nrocoop]

I agree with another poster that mania can creep up on you. For me mania is usually destructive and when I burn out at the end of a manic episode I then have to deal with guilt about how my behaviour has impacted on the people around me.

I prefer depressive periods when I can isolate myself from people and my behaviour is moderated by meds. Meds don't work for manic episodes though, despite the hype that they do.

 

[thinkkank]

I agree with another poster that mania can creep up on you. For me mania is usually destructive and when I burn out at the end of a manic episode I then have to deal with guilt about how my behaviour has impacted on the people around me.

I prefer depressive periods when I can isolate myself from people and my behaviour is moderated by meds. Meds don't work for manic episodes though, despite the hype that they do.

i've heard that meds can make you feel worse. The best solution other than meds is a regular sleep time i.e sleeping at the same time and waking up at the same time and a routine