If my autistic friends know how ableist I was, they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore

[Water-Lily]

I know I am approaching this from a place of shame and selfieshness, so even writing this post isn't "good"

The comments I made in chat were abhorred, and def came from a place of shame and insecurity. I was also abused growing up for my mom assuming something was wrong with me, so maybe it has something to do with that too

Either way, if they saw what I said about autism (knowing they both struggle with it) they'd be disgusted with me

I'm not a good person

I just try to abide my a high moral code not even I can do well with and fuck up embarrassingly

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @SheHasNoValue,

First of all, I'm not a good person, too - so even though I don't know what you said in the chat room, I think we might be able to become friends...

If you are uncomfortable to share, you don't have to say what you said in chat room, but please tell us if you are okay. I'll never judge you, because in this world full of judgement, it's no point to add my one to the vast ocean of it.

I've made the same mistakes again and again - and still don't know how to fix it.
Why did you made an ableist comment? (Again, you don't have to share exactly what you said.)

I hope your guilt will be a bit less unbearable

 

[Water-Lily]

Hello @SheHasNoValue,

First of all, I'm not a good person, too - so even though I don't know what you said in the chat room, I think we might be able to become friends...

If you are uncomfortable to share, you don't have to say what you said in chat room, but please tell us if you are okay. I'll never judge you, because in this world full of judgement, it's no point to add my one to the vast ocean of it.

I've made the same mistakes again and again - and still don't know how to fix it.
Why did you made an ableist comment? (Again, you don't have to share exactly what you said.)

I hope your guilt will be a bit less unbearable

I also make the same mistakes again and again. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm defective being that despite therapy and meds im still fucked

Anyways, I said that I didn't want a fucked yo disorder like autism/being diagnosed with it would mean that I have my issues

For some people a diagnosis=ways to know what their issues are so they can better get help

For me I see it as "I already have PTSD/depression/anxiety. Now I have to add more problems to that list and feel more shame for being fucked up? How many problems do I have?"

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Thanks so much for sharing

I also make the same mistakes again and again. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm defective being that despite therapy and meds im still fucked

It seems to be genuinely hopeless, and I'm so sorry for that. I've repeatedly told "you are not serious enough" at work because of my repeated mistakes.

Anyways, I said that I didn't want a fucked yo disorder like autism/being diagnosed with it would mean that I have my issues

Based on what you said in another thread, I guess you were angry at them. Were you told you're also autistic?
I agree that this statement can hurt people with autism, but it's not uncommon. Insensitive comments about mental illness are rife among "normies" - and sometimes people have to say something like that in order to "fit in." So, ableism is deeply ingrained in us, especially the context of working life. They would say, "Life is not Disney movies and we are living in a dog-eat-dog world" and consider "brutal honesty" to be a virtue.

For some people a diagnosis=ways to know what their issues are so they can better get help

For me I see it as "I already have PTSD/depression/anxiety. Now I have to add more problems to that list and feel more shame for being fucked up? How many problems do I have?"

Personally, I think autistic people do deserve respect as well as non-autistic ones, but your way of thinking is also understandable because some people actually don't respect autistic people because of their difficulties, and that's why you feel ashamed of it, I think.

Note: Some people don't care whether autism is "your fault" or not and still don't respect autistic people.

I always try to be respectful and compassionate, but sometimes I fail to do so, especially when I feel inferior to people who I'm talking to. I tend to get defensive, or feel numb and freeze.

Thanks for reading and sorry for many questions - I want to understand your point well.

 

[Sweet Tart]

As someone with a different disability (I'm not autistic, afaik), I think it's only human to make mistakes. Sometimes they are upsetting, but we can only do better by learning from them. No one starts out knowing everything and being perfectly appropriate all the time.

Also, it sounds like you were having a rough time when you made the comment. When we're not at our best, we're not at our best. Those moments don't define us.