Venting Idk how i feel rn

[baller]

Idk what really describes my like constant emotions rn so im just gonna write it all down and hope its legible.

It feels like SI and im not even close to CTB yet, im around 3 years from when i plan it

But just saying that, writing that, thinking that, 3 more years. Idk it feels surreal because when i planned it, the date seemed soso far away and now im like halfway there. Am i wasting the time i got left? because when i am happy and with my friends, it's like "wow, maybe they'll look back on this moment when im gone" or when im with my sister who i love its like "Wow, In 3 years, i leave her" and it feels odd.

I know i wanna ctb, I dont have anything great ahead of me, i dont wanna live and struggle. but sometimes im like "what if it just becomes better soon?"
I know it wont. and in the end, when im dead, i wont care about my family or my friends or what could've been

But i dunno, is what im feeling some sort of survival instinct? maybe its just because videogames are holding me together right now, and thats so sad and pathetic and something i cant do for the rest of my life but it really does keep me from going down a pit. maybe im just overreacting bc i reckon i'd extend my stay if my fav game's sequel came out with a release date

Does anyone relate? does anyone know what the feeling is?

 

[Metro]

I don't have a date planned per se but there is a date at which it's going to become far easier to get things rolling.

I do get the "wow, soon enough I'll be gone" - in fact, I get that constantly throughout my daily life, not just at certain moments. But I wouldn't say it really provokes any kind of SI, just excitement, relief and comfort. Ironically, because daily life becomes bearable only from the comfort of knowing it should hopefully only be half a year or so, I also get the "what if it gets better soon". But then I remind myself why I'm doing it to begin with.

I don't think what you describe is SI. It's just thinking your choice through. I hope you ultimately decide not to go through with it.