Venting i feel like its truly over for me

[benzodiazepines]

i just turned 18 this may and i honestly never felt worse, my life for the past 6 or so years has been full of only fake hope and misery
every time it seems like my depression might be in recession and my time for healing has come something always throws me off so violently that its impossible for me to get back on track

currently im in the worst state of my life, i have no hope for the future and im just looking for the fastest and easiest way out (im a lazy bastard), tbh i was looking forward to getting my diagnosis for mdd but i just realised that it wont change anything…
im in a constant state of confusion due to my medication and i feel like i cant live among other normal people, i also have a crippling addiction to benzodiazepines (hence my username lol) which had impacted my motor function and brain fog due to the withdrawals. my hands never stop shaking and i forget conversations in under 10 minutes

there is honestly no hope left for me and i know it, im just surviving these last days and doing fuck all , when summer break ends i will buy my final box of xanax, take it all and either jump from a building or go lay on the train tracks, im very excited…are you?

also sorry if some of it doesnt make sense im literally loosing my ability to form sentences by the day lol. thanks for taking ur time to read this i truly appreciate it.

 

[telekon]

no problem. I too am a lazy bastard that fantasizes about laying on the train tracks.

im 30 and yet we live similar lives...wasting the last few days before it all ends.

 

[dirkw83]

I'm going through a similar thing with olanzapine withdrawal my hands are shaking but worst of all i can barely sleep at all it's just getting worse and worse like a net that's tightening you know..