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arnxxx

arnxxx

Experienced
Mar 8, 2024
247
Welcome to the thread. It sounds like you've been through quite a lot, and I'm sorry it brought you here. While I cannot relate to all of your issues, I have adhd and depression. I was fortunate (?) to have grown up in a time when mental health issues weren't discussed. So, I just suppressed all my feelings and pretended everything was OK. That facade came crashing down several years ago.

I've found the adhd easier to treat then the depression. Understanding why I act certain ways, couple with meds allows me manage it. The depression has been much harder, as it is deep rooted in my psyche. I've tried several antidepressants with no luck. I'm currently on a ketamine regiment that has taken helped somewhat. I'm still working with my doctor to adjust the dosage, so I'm optimistic.


Are you doing the esketamine nasal spray, or infusion? I've been using the ketamine a little differently, but it has helped. I often wondered if I had tried the more traditional approach if I would have had better luck.

I hope it works for you, and will be interested in what you think.


That's good news. While the forum can be helpful, those working toward recovery reach a point where it becomes less important and their recovery can be negatively impacted by spending too much time here. For your own good, please feel free to take a break from the site and find something else to do.
I won't be using esketamine but ketamine. And it will be injected in my arm. First treatment will be 26th of june. How are you using it?
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
The trick is not sleeping. 😎
Haha!! Yeah ik when I was much younger and the parties I attended, ended at 6 am or sometimes 12 pm or later ... or just going to bed very late.

Really, I wish I could turn back time.
 
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arnxxx

arnxxx

Experienced
Mar 8, 2024
247
Today I am suffering. Since last week I'm going to an activity center to do stuff like painting. But most people there seem to have some kind of mental inefficiency. Don't know the English word for it. But they can't work and therefore go to this activity center. While Im there because of my depression.

I need to go there todat. But I suffer so much. I don't want to live like this any longer. I don't know how to survive.
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
537
so i was told a bit ago i have one month left at my brothers and then i have to move to my dads full-time. turns out me being here has impacted his marriage. i wasnt told how exactly but really sucks to hear "you didnt do anything" means that basically just existing in the same space has been too much for them long-term. i have been quiet and stayed out of the way as much as i can, i clean up after myself, i dont ask for anything, i dont talk much at all because i know me existing is uncomfortable for others. i knew i couldn't stay forever and this situation wasnt what i wanted either. my fathers place is small and i am not looking forward to it, he talks even less. i mostly just feel rejected and like it would be better for my family for me to not exist at all because of course i do, im on ss of all forums for a reason lol

it would be sad and shitty if this was the thing that threw me over the ledge in many ways but ive been crying for hours now and cant seem to stop. its not even the having to leave, its how i basically am just an inconvenience to them and something my brother said about being glad i was being "nice" while staying here... ive been muted, not nice. ive been breaking down in silence literally every day behind closed doors instead of being honest with my family because they literally dont do emotions or uncomfortable situations. i have asked for help, i have said awful things have happened to me, i have tried expressing how bad off i really am mentally and been met with silence or dismissed. ive just been told that me being silent and repressed was the best thing about me being here. i dont think ive ever felt lonelier. idk why having a family with emotional intelligence isnt in my cards but i just want to give up so badly because of it right now. i feel ridiculous for still being hurt over things i know wont change but nothing makes this feel better when i have no one else here to replace my family with as i tried to do for so many years when i was younger and independent.

part of me wants to talk to him about this and be more direct with my questions to actually get something out of him about how messed up our family really is. and why me being the only crazy person raised very differently than my older siblings was remarkably shitty for my development. and i know hes aware of this stuff, he and my other brother and dad all are they just WONT comment and therefore i am left to deal with it alone. ive been the odd one out my whole life, it keeps getting worse as we get older. i just dont want to do it anymore.
 
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Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
644
I hope you all have managing okay and the best you can. Things have been pretty rough for me, but I figured I would pop up on here.

My birthday is in a few weeks, I finally turn 30, which is terrifying for a lot of reasons. I genuinely told myself that I wouldn't make it through my 30s, mainly because I really don't want to keep doing this anymore. It's just scary to finally be at that point.

I've been looking into ECT for the last couple of years and I I actually first read it mentioned on here by someone who said it saved her life. I brought it up to my treatment team and they weren't against it but wanted me to try other things first; different meds, groups, etc. Basically what I've been doing since I was a kid.

I'm just super tired of it, especially when my SI is kicking in way worse these days. I'm Im getting more and more comfortable with the thought of dying.

So I decided I would go through it anyways. I looked up some places and found a doctor/hospital in the next town over and I "should" to have my first session tomorrow.

Should because I need to have someone go home with me, and I'm not sure if my dad will make the trip and I'm genuinely scared of my mom coming and finding out because she wouldn't understand - then literally everyone would know. So I'll guess we'll see because I really don't have anyone else to ask.

I'm kinda terrified, as I've read about the potential side effects; not so much worried about not being able to remember past events but any new ones, or just in my day to day life.

I almost cancelled until I had a massive breakdown yesterday and all day. Not even sure what triggered me but I was in bed crying on and off for hours, and I figured I really needed to try this.

One of the nurses called this morning and we had a long talk about everything, so I feel more comfortable knowing I'm going to be around potentially good people who regularly do this and are super transparent. She also mentioned the doctor may give me ketamine.

Here's hoping it works out tomorrow at least, and I'll definitely keep coming here to vent and share about everything.
 
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Proteus

Oceanic Member
Feb 6, 2024
370
Today I am suffering. Since last week I'm going to an activity center to do stuff like painting. But most people there seem to have some kind of mental inefficiency. Don't know the English word for it.
Impairment? Regardless, that doesn't make them inferior people, and neither does you. There are very capable impaired people, don't underestimate what they can do. At the same time, having depression isn't anything light, it drains your life away, and it's very respectable to take a break because of it.

they literally dont do emotions or uncomfortable situations. i have asked for help, i have said awful things have happened to me, i have tried expressing how bad off i really am mentally and been met with silence or dismissed. ive just been told that me being silent and repressed was the best thing about me being here.
I'm very sorry to say, your parents have failed as such. Having kids implies responsibility. It's a contract one signs in blood the moment the son is conceived, in which one promises to support them, to love them, and to bond with them.

Reading your story, I see two people who don't care. Their neglect is never your fault. You aren't the nuisance here, because you didn't cause this. Remember you are a valid person, not the one to blame or neglect others.

I almost cancelled until I had a massive breakdown yesterday and all day. Not even sure what triggered me but I was in bed crying on and off for hours, and I figured I really needed to try this.
We are all with you, we won't let you alone on this. Best of luck tomorrow. 🫂
 
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C

ConfusedClouds

Experienced
Mar 9, 2024
220
Thought I'd tap back in here. Realised I forgot about the thread and just had a catch up scroll. Love the photos, particularly the cloud ones a wee while back! 🤓 Is there a particular way to upload photos here to keep them 'anonymous'?

All 'fine' at the moment but predicting another shit/frustrating/confusing therapy session in a couple of days leading to a day or two reeling but mostly all forgotten and all good the moment I am around others, particularly 'customers' at work. Not in a masking feeing - doesn't necessarily feel fake and difficult - feels natural and normal. But then that makes two opposites both feel natural and normal which is ridiculous. Generally nervous for my therapist going away for 2 weeks holiday too. I'll have a combo of being all over the place when on my own but all grand around others. But can't just never be on my own or always be busy at 100mph for distraction/keeping my head busy and tiring myself out, just not possible.

Anywho, I get on with my therapist - 2 years already. Feels like I've been super patient to wait for her to build understanding. Which she sort of has. But also I still can't express anything properly in words and just get wound up with myself in sessions and ruminate/regret after. But can't face trying to start again trying to explain to anyone else/new therapist - I don't have any clear explanation. But is there even anything to try explaining? Don't get it. I did try another therapist/counsellor once for 2 sessions but was just as frustrating if not more due to lack of built up experience/history of me and my reactions.

The ball of string analogy you hear about thoughts all tangled and therapists helping unravel it - I feel like mine's a ball of elastic - all just snaps back into a jumble. 2 years and no change. But familiarity and 'understanding' without words. I seem to go non verbal often and she is fairly good at interpreting me now but that also doesn't help as I know I need/should be talking but all I do is freeze and waste most the 50 mins then have to wait another whole week to try again. Or get frustrated that I feel like she took a session super careful so I was able to keep chatting but it was such superficial general small talk on eggshells its also a waste of 50 mins. After the initial couple of days of 'reeling' and being frustrated and over sensitive after a session, I'm back to functioning and getting on with life/work. Until the next session. So with a break coming up, why bother getting all shaken up if I'm even more going to have to be self sufficient and fully functioning with no back up then. So makes me question if its even needed if I am all grand most the time. Urgh. Argh.

I guess while I am busy this summer season with 2 basic min wage jobs and lodging in a room rented that I've been in for over a year now (but likely to move out after the summer) - then this period of 'stability' is a key time to see if anything can be 'unlocked'. But I'm almost halfway through the season already and time has flown and there isn't 'progress' - if anything, just deterioration where I'm getting super annoyed and frustrated and frozen in therapy sessions. But maybe because I have the stability in life in general so she can 'poke' and 'probe' some more?

Urgh, I also over analyse everything. So many inconsistencies. This is totally now an irrelevant rant essay, apologies.

*hits send before thinking too much and decides to delete - most my attempts at typing/communicating by written word feels like drunk messaging, not really sure what I just typed, struggle to go back and proof read and generally regret and want to change/delete most if I think too much

**Also, as it is now past midnight here, does that mean I can get the first 'good morning' in?! 😇 Cheeky I know as someone who is lying awake and likely to sleep soon enough...
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
Is there a particular way to upload photos here to keep them 'anonymous'?
You should make sure the photo does not contain any EXIFS/location data what is stored automatically depending on the cam and settings you are using. You can use a websearch how to remove EXIFs. Usually I only make a screenshot and upload that one. it does not contain any data that is originally stored with the photo file.
 
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S

stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning
You should make sure the photo does not contain any EXIFS/location data what is stored automatically depending on the cam and settings you are using. You can use a websearch how to remove EXIFs. Usually I only make a screenshot and upload that one. it does not contain any data that is originally stored with the photo file.
i sure as fuck WANT assholes to find the exact locations i take those photo
This week is just another reminder, that i live in an absolute shithole. That my country's bureaucracy exist purely for grifting and wasting time and for existing as normal person, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK FOR ANYTHING. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PRETEND, WITH ALL YOUR ENERGY, THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE. ANY DEVIATION, EVEN THE SMALLEST, WILL BE PUNISHED SEVERELY.

For employment, I need to pass a mandatory health check up, for which I have to pay for. The doctor sent me to a psychologist, which needs to pass me, but they're on vacation this month, so any employment I gain is illegal without the doctor's approval.
 
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arnxxx

arnxxx

Experienced
Mar 8, 2024
247
Impairment? Regardless, that doesn't make them inferior people, and neither does you. There are very capable impaired people, don't underestimate what they can do. At the same time, having depression isn't anything light, it drains your life away, and it's very respectable to take a break because of it.


I'm very sorry to say, your parents have failed as such. Having kids implies responsibility. It's a contract one signs in blood the moment the son is conceived, in which one promises to support them, to love them, and to bond with them.

Reading your story, I see two people who don't care. Their neglect is never your fault. You aren't the nuisance here, because you didn't cause this. Remember you are a valid person, not the one to blame or neglect others.


We are all with you, we won't let you alone on this. Best of luck tomorrow. 🫂
It doesn't make them less but it makes me feel out of place. I felt terrible at the activity center. I'll try one more day before I quit. That will mean I have more time alone with my feelings.

Yesterday when I came back I felt seriously suicidal. Someone from the depression Whatsapp group talked me trough it.
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
good morning

i sure as fuck WANT assholes to find the exact locations i take those photo
This week is just another reminder, that i live in an absolute shithole. That my country's bureaucracy exist purely for grifting and wasting time and for existing as normal person, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK FOR ANYTHING. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PRETEND, WITH ALL YOUR ENERGY, THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE. ANY DEVIATION, EVEN THE SMALLEST, WILL BE PUNISHED SEVERELY.

For employment, I need to pass a mandatory health check up, for which I have to pay for. The doctor sent me to a psychologist, which needs to pass me, but they're on vacation this month, so any employment I gain is illegal without the doctor's approval.
OMG WTF. Do you work in a special/high security job that has very special health requirements?! This really sucks if you have to do this for any available job.
 
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Not a Cylon

Blah
Jun 27, 2024
46
it would be sad and shitty if this was the thing that threw me over the ledge in many ways but ive been crying for hours now and cant seem to stop. its not even the having to leave, its how i basically am just an inconvenience to them and something my brother said about being glad i was being "nice" while staying here... ive been muted, not nice. ive been breaking down in silence literally every day behind closed doors instead of being honest with my family because they literally dont do emotions or uncomfortable situations. i have asked for help, i have said awful things have happened to me, i have tried expressing how bad off i really am mentally and been met with silence or dismissed. ive just been told that me being silent and repressed was the best thing about me being here. i dont think ive ever felt lonelier. idk why having a family with emotional intelligence isnt in my cards but i just want to give up so badly because of it right now.

That sounds incredibly taxing and draining and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. We sadly don't get to choose the family we are born into and dealing with people who aren't emotionally open is challenging because you never feel like you're on the same page. I just wanted to let you know that I see you, your pain is valid and you're not to blame for how they disrespect you.

This seems overwhelming but I hope you're able to see it through, please take advantage of any resources in your community for shelter, food and support, just because your family isn't willing to help doesn't mean you're on an island. You sound like a very conscientious person. Sending you some love.
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
OMG WTF. Do you work in a special/high security job that has very special health requirements?! This really sucks if you have to do this for any available job.
no, everyone needs to do this. its a requirement for employers to ensure all their employees have received their medical check up. but since doctors are striking right now, only private practitioners are doing check-ups, which makes enforcement especially lax.

i live in a fucked up ex-communist balkan state, everything is fucking corrupt.
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning
today i find out, i have no control over my life
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
im done, nothing matters
ill try to ctb next week i suppose
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
I scrolled through some photos and I found these clouds photos and I decided to make an animated GIF. I think it looks a bit like a 3D effect.

Gifmaker clouds3d
 
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Tesha

Tesha

Life too shall pass
May 31, 2020
690
I think it looks a bit like a 3D effect.
Oooh, I'm afraid to say I don't like it… in my head I can hear the clouds squeak when they move (like they're rubbing against each other).

This may just be a 'me' thing! Sorry!
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
537
im done, nothing matters
ill try to ctb next week i suppose
i know saying the impact others leaving has on us is shitty and kind of dismissive and not the best route, but i will sincerely miss getting a "good morning" from someone regularly if this path wins up getting followed. thank you for the amazing nature photos, your trees are lovely 🖤 im so sorry your country is that fucked up towards its citizens trying to keep it together and be stable. thats incredibly short-sighted of them and the word "ridiculous" falls flat to describe their incompetence. you don't deserve to suffer from any of their crap. i really wish i could hug you from afar and help even a fraction 🫂 and im also sorry that written platitudes likely don't do much in the face of reality
That sounds incredibly taxing and draining and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. We sadly don't get to choose the family we are born into and dealing with people who aren't emotionally open is challenging because you never feel like you're on the same page. I just wanted to let you know that I see you, your pain is valid and you're not to blame for how they disrespect you.

This seems overwhelming but I hope you're able to see it through, please take advantage of any resources in your community for shelter, food and support, just because your family isn't willing to help doesn't mean you're on an island. You sound like a very conscientious person. Sending you some love.
thank you, i appreciate this a lot 🖤🫂 my family has helped more than i expected, and i am grateful to them, but the emotional gap has been torturous. physically, im not actually alone, it's my choice to isolate out of fear, and im not even mad about having to move around, but theres a very sharp, unmatched pain in me for family not wanting to talk about anything or even listen. they don't ask me how im doing, if im ok, if there's any updates on me gating my possessions back, nothing.

also it will cost me $7500 just to initiate a retainer fee for a decent lawyer and i don't have that anywhere no matter how far up my ass i try so im also feeling extra fucked rn regarding that mess. got that email not long after crying hysterically about my family all night so 😎🔫
Oooh, I'm afraid to say I don't like it… in my head I can hear the clouds squeak when they move (like they're rubbing against each other).

This may just be a 'me' thing! Sorry!

ok but squeaky clouds would be pretty baller ngl
 
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Tesha

Tesha

Life too shall pass
May 31, 2020
690
ok but squeaky clouds would be pretty baller ngl
Imagine the noise if you were in a plane flying through them. In fact, think about the birds - their poor little ears.
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
Imagine the noise if you were in a plane flying through them. In fact, think about the birds - their poor little ears.
The noise is only coming from the plane engines that is not related to flying through clouds.
 
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Placo

Placo

At Eternity's Gates
Feb 14, 2024
585
I'm no longer so sure I want to go into recovery, I feel like too much of a lost case and even thinking about the idea of a normal life, I must say, doesn't excite me.
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning
i'm going swimming today
 
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Not a Cylon

Blah
Jun 27, 2024
46
I'm no longer so sure I want to go into recovery, I feel like too much of a lost case and even thinking about the idea of a normal life, I must say, doesn't excite me.

Could it be that the depression is making it hard to see success and that's why you're so muted?
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
565
It seems we have a few people who are thinking that life is overwhelming and not worth the effort. I fully respect your choices, regardless of the ultimate path you choose.
However, since this is a Recovery thread, I would like you to pause and give yourself some time and grace to explorer options. I realize that sometimes many things add up to an insurmountable problem. But is there any reason why they all have to be solved at once? Breaking them down into smaller problems tends to make dealing with them easier a little easier.

I may not have been as active on this thread as I would have liked recently, yet I feel a connection to each of you. You will be missed.

I hope that each of you are able to find some peace in your journey, wherever that path will take you. 💙
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264

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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
i know saying the impact others leaving has on us is shitty and kind of dismissive and not the best route, but i will sincerely miss getting a "good morning" from someone regularly if this path wins up getting followed. thank you for the amazing nature photos, your trees are lovely 🖤 im so sorry your country is that fucked up towards its citizens trying to keep it together and be stable. thats incredibly short-sighted of them and the word "ridiculous" falls flat to describe their incompetence. you don't deserve to suffer from any of their crap. i really wish i could hug you from afar and help even a fraction 🫂 and im also sorry that written platitudes likely don't do much in the face of reality
I've decided that my recovery is non-negotiable, if only for you guys and people on discord.
 
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