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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
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good morning
found true love yesterday
20240629 135257
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
@lita-lassi @HighFlight @stillunemployed gorgeous photos!!

Have a nice weekend :sunglasses:
 
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cherry7

Experienced
Feb 18, 2023
242
The dilemma of ctb haunts me. I go between the two sides multiple times a day, flip flopping with certainty within minutes. When I'm on the ctb side it pulls me into a deep depression but it has a mind of its own I can't fight. I've heard it said pick a side and commit but somehow I can't and I continue to be haunted. Anyone else? Anyone have any thoughts?
 
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Tesha

Tesha

Life too shall pass
May 31, 2020
690
@cherry7 maybe you don't need to pick a side, maybe try and work with both sides of yourself. Try and find the positives in each of your 'parts' and build on them. As an example, when I'm feeling really depressed, I become very focused and stubborn - if I tap into that, then I can use it as a positive advantage.

Thanks again to all for the pictures. I'm not up for walking any real distance at the moment (despite living near to one of the UKs Crown Estates). But I may have a wander into my garden tomorrow and see what I can find of interest.

I've been in my head the past few days. It's been an emotional rollercoaster week - an argument with my Crisis Team resulted in me self harming (a lot, to prevent me committing suicide) and a formal complaint about their behaviour. Conversely it looks like I've been approved for the funding to a specialist trauma clinic.

I should be so grateful for the funding and I am, but I'm feeling so undeserving and worried incase I can't get it to work and I waste the money. I don't feel I deserve the funding when I think about it. So many others could get treatment if I don't go. It would literally fund over 1000 EMDR sessions for other people. I know I need to prioritise myself for once, but it feels so uncomfortable.

Anyway, I'm not looking for anything out of my vent… got to keep my kids front and centre of why I'm doing this.
 
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Proteus

Oceanic Member
Feb 6, 2024
370
The dilemma of ctb haunts me. I go between the two sides multiple times a day, flip flopping with certainty within minutes. When I'm on the ctb side it pulls me into a deep depression but it has a mind of its own I can't fight. I've heard it said pick a side and commit but somehow I can't and I continue to be haunted. Anyone else? Anyone have any thoughts?
Suicidal thoughts cause depression, which in turn, causes more suicidal thoughts the more you think about it. Keeping yourself busy will distract you from those thoughts, which will also raise your mood. The worst thing one can do when depressed is doing nothing at all.

I should be so grateful for the funding and I am, but I'm feeling so undeserving and worried incase I can't get it to work and I waste the money. I don't feel I deserve the funding when I think about it. So many others could get treatment if I don't go. It would literally fund over 1000 EMDR sessions for other people. I know I need to prioritise myself for once, but it feels so uncomfortable.
It's never your fault for trying! You didn't choose your problems and you are clearly battling against them. if something, that shows you deserve the help you are getting. It's important to be willing when getting treatment, and you never know if anyone else could get the funding and be incurable. No one knows.

Even if it didn't work, don't take too much blame. The therapist can be flawed too, and that's not something in our control. Sometimes, others have the blame. Just be "selfish" for once, take the money and recover. If it works, it wasn't a waste, and if it doesn't, there is no warranty the man could've done anything for anyone.

People here will be with you, and don't think you're a waste at all.
 
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cherry7

Experienced
Feb 18, 2023
242
Suicidal thoughts cause depression, which in turn, causes more suicidal thoughts the more you think about it. Keeping yourself busy will distract you from those thoughts, which will also raise your mood. The worst thing one can do when depressed is doing nothing at all.


It's never your fault for trying! You didn't choose your problems and you are clearly battling against them. if something, that shows you deserve the help you are getting. It's important to be willing when getting treatment, and you never know if anyone else could get the funding and be incurable. No one knows.

Even if it didn't work, don't take too much blame. The therapist can be flawed too, and that's not something in our control. Sometimes, others have the blame. Just be "selfish" for once, take the money and recover. If it works, it wasn't a waste, and if it doesn't, there is no warranty the man could've done anything for anyone.

People here will be with you, and don't think you're a waste at all.
Thanks for your thoughts on this!
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
537
someone sold me "molly" that was not actually mdma and now im having the shittiest recovery in a long time. test substances before use 👍
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
565
I should be so grateful for the funding and I am, but I'm feeling so undeserving and worried incase I can't get it to work and I waste the money. I don't feel I deserve the funding when I think about it. So many others could get treatment if I don't go. It would literally fund over 1000 EMDR sessions for other people. I know I need to prioritise myself for once, but it feels so uncomfortable
Why not you? Your Healthcare system has evaluated and decided you are the person the money is best spent on. You given several reasons why others could benefit from the funding, but those same arguments work in reverse.

Plus, you're in a situation where you need the treatment not only for yourself, but also your children. Hopefully this treatment will put you in a position where you can help them. In my opinion, that make you very deserving.

And you are correct... you need to take care of yourself first in order to be in a position to help others.

#BeKindToYourself
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning
this week is gonna be a real bitch
 
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arnxxx

arnxxx

Experienced
Mar 8, 2024
247
Today I have my intake conversation at the ketamine center. I can only hope this will work because I tried so many things that didn't. I'm so fucking tired of this depression. It also cost a lot of money but I need to try.
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
537
oh boy therapy tomorrow morning, how much more nothing can i accomplish ;-;
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning
oh boy therapy tomorrow morning, how much more nothing can i accomplish ;-;
nothing is a very vast expanse, the whole universe is too little for it
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
and another fucking morning
 
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Anhaedra

Anhaedra

Member
May 5, 2024
44
Just had some bad couple days. Went to my doctor to tell him about my suicidal thoughts, then he said he was going to hospitalize me. I thought I could trust him, but no. I left the session immediatly after and went on a little walk. There is no one I can talk to, they wouldnt understand. I dont even know what Im feeling, but it feels really bad and dark.
I recently lost my gf to ctb and Ive been feeling the same way ever since.
My parents are the only thing that makes me want to live, dont want them to feel what I felt when losing someone you love.
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
537
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,944
Just had some bad couple days. Went to my doctor to tell him about my suicidal thoughts, then he said he was going to hospitalize me. I thought I could trust him, but no. I left the session immediatly after and went on a little walk. There is no one I can talk to, they wouldnt understand. I dont even know what Im feeling, but it feels really bad and dark.
I recently lost my gf to ctb and Ive been feeling the same way ever since.
My parents are the only thing that makes me want to live, dont want them to feel what I felt when losing someone you love.
I'm sorry for your loss but your doc is stupid - what should a hospitalization do in this case?

You suffer from the ever-unsolvable problem. Your gf is relieved from her pain which was probably unsolvable to her - she's finally free. But I understand you and you grieving the loss - but think about it - did you have the means and solutions to have eased her pain that drove her to this?

It's the ever-unsolvable problem when someone contemplates suicide - it's either we suffer for an indefinite amount of time (until natural death) or it's family/friends/loved ones - but the difference is if their lives are halfway in order they will learn to deal with that especially when they understand that the problem was unsolvable and it was an actual relief.
 
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Tesha

Tesha

Life too shall pass
May 31, 2020
690
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement, and you're right - why not me…. I'm being admitted next week (as long as the paperwork goes through smoothly).

Had a wander into my garden… realised I've missed spring (and in fact the first 6 months of 2024), so most of my flowers have vanished… however I looked up and saw the neighbours honey bees have decamped from his hives. He's coming over later to collect them (if they haven't already moved on).

IMG 2781 IMG 2784 IMG 2783
IMG 2782
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
Took a walk
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement, and you're right - why not me…. I'm being admitted next week (as long as the paperwork goes through smoothly).

Had a wander into my garden… realised I've missed spring (and in fact the first 6 months of 2024), so most of my flowers have vanished… however I looked up and saw the neighbours honey bees have decamped from his hives. He's coming over later to collect them (if they haven't already moved on).

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love those daisies
 

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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
good morning. It's a Friday!
 
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Proteus

Oceanic Member
Feb 6, 2024
370
It's the ever-unsolvable problem when someone contemplates suicide - it's either we suffer for an indefinite amount of time (until natural death) or it's family/friends/loved ones - but the difference is if their lives are halfway in order they will learn to deal with that especially when they understand that the problem was unsolvable and it was an actual relief.
This so much. It's easier to overcome grief than to heal from all the circumstances that led one to being suicidal. It's helps even more when the affected people have better mental health, as they will be better prepared. The whole "you'll destroy your loved ones" narrative kinda fails when one side has a knife, and the other fights with a rifle. No way it's the same experience.

@Anhaedra , her suffering ended. However, thoughts and feelings aren't the same, and it will understandably hurt.

Had a wander into my garden… realised I've missed spring (and in fact the first 6 months of 2024), so most of my flowers have vanished… however I looked up and saw the neighbours honey bees have decamped from his hives. He's coming over later to collect them (if they haven't already moved on).
Ow. The good thing is that flowers can be easily replaced, you can always start again. If you don't care about gardening, no one will notice if you put plastic plants lol. Or steal those of the neighbour
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
565
Today I have my intake conversation at the ketamine center.
Please keep us up-to-date on your progress. I've been using ketamine daily now and it has helped. I'll be curious to know your experience with it. I'd also be interested in the details of the program. If you're not comfortable sharing with the broader group, you can send me a dm.

My parents are the only thing that makes me want to live, dont want them to feel what I felt when losing someone you love.
While it's good that you are looking at the bigger picture, and considering others feelings as you make your choices. Ultimately, the choice needs to be what feels right to you.

As a parent, I would be devastated if one of my children ctbs. I know one SH and has ideation. If they ever showed up on this site, I'm not sure what I would do.

Had a wander into my garden… realised I've missed spring (and in fact the first 6 months of 2024), so most of my flowers have vanished…
I'm glad you were able to get out and enjoy some time in your garden. The pictures were great. Thank you for sharing.

For myself, this has been a tough weekend. Attended a wedding and while it was good to see so many people, I had to spend the weekend pretending to be normal. I still don't understand how it can feel so lonely when surrounded by 100s of people. Thos was my favorite view of the reception;

1000002039

I continued my walks, although am trying to find a new place. But in the meantime, here's a few more pics, along with my little friend. (That's not a cage, it's a support for the freshly planted tree.)

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arnxxx

arnxxx

Experienced
Mar 8, 2024
247
Please keep us up-to-date on your progress. I've been using ketamine daily now and it has helped. I'll be curious to know your experience with it. I'd also be interested in the details of the program. If you're not comfortable sharing with the broader group, you can send me a dm.


While it's good that you are looking at the bigger picture, and considering others feelings as you make your choices. Ultimately, the choice needs to be what feels right to you.

As a parent, I would be devastated if one of my children ctbs. I know one SH and has ideation. If they ever showed up on this site, I'm not sure what I would do.


I'm glad you were able to get out and enjoy some time in your garden. The pictures were great. Thank you for sharing.

For myself, this has been a tough weekend. Attended a wedding and while it was good to see so many people, I had to spend the weekend pretending to be normal. I still don't understand how it can feel so lonely when surrounded by 100s of people. Thos was my favorite view of the reception;

View attachment 144706

I continued my walks, although am trying to find a new place. But in the meantime, here's a few more pics, along with my little friend. (That's not a cage, it's a support for the freshly planted tree.)

View attachment 144709
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The ketamine treatment consists of 6 treatments. The first time a low dosage and the second time mid. Last few times full dose. There will be conversations with the psychologist after.
I really hope it will help
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
Good news everyone! We made it to another Saturday!
 
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Placo

Placo

At Eternity's Gates
Feb 14, 2024
585
I have to find new things to do, lately I spend a lot of time on this forum but now that I'm a little better maybe it's time to do something else.
 
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bitofftoomuch

bitofftoomuch

hold onto those who accept your messy self
Jul 1, 2024
38
has anyone with adhd + major depression managed to pull themselves out and do things to abate the depression? what were your methods? I am super isolated and short on both friends and cash.
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
565
has anyone with adhd + major depression managed to pull themselves out and do things to abate the depression? what were your methods? I am super isolated and short on both friends and cash.
Welcome to the thread. It sounds like you've been through quite a lot, and I'm sorry it brought you here. While I cannot relate to all of your issues, I have adhd and depression. I was fortunate (?) to have grown up in a time when mental health issues weren't discussed. So, I just suppressed all my feelings and pretended everything was OK. That facade came crashing down several years ago.

I've found the adhd easier to treat then the depression. Understanding why I act certain ways, couple with meds allows me manage it. The depression has been much harder, as it is deep rooted in my psyche. I've tried several antidepressants with no luck. I'm currently on a ketamine regiment that has taken helped somewhat. I'm still working with my doctor to adjust the dosage, so I'm optimistic.

The ketamine treatment consists of 6 treatments.
Are you doing the esketamine nasal spray, or infusion? I've been using the ketamine a little differently, but it has helped. I often wondered if I had tried the more traditional approach if I would have had better luck.

I hope it works for you, and will be interested in what you think.

I have to find new things to do, lately I spend a lot of time on this forum but now that I'm a little better maybe it's time to do something else.
That's good news. While the forum can be helpful, those working toward recovery reach a point where it becomes less important and their recovery can be negatively impacted by spending too much time here. For your own good, please feel free to take a break from the site and find something else to do.
 
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
has anyone with adhd + major depression managed to pull themselves out and do things to abate the depression? what were your methods? I am super isolated and short on both friends and cash.
Mostly by being active to the point of absolute exhaustion. Lots of exercise. Looooooooots. And I have no idea if its helping me or just making me think it's helping me and maybe im just actively throwing my time away.
Who cares?

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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
537
oh boy i missed the weekend
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stillunemployed

lol lmao
Jun 1, 2023
264
Aaaaaaaaaaand its a very fucking early morning today!
 
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