Venting I won't be able to say goodbye to them

[Sayo]

I want to say goodbye to my brother, my mother, my partner in person, not just after; I'm losing the ability to express myself verbally and I don't think a note could ever do it. Part of it's selfish; I always thought my mother or my partner would be there to stroke my hair while I died, whether it was from suicide or my progressive illness.

If it were legal, I don't think they'd ever be okay with it, but I could say goodbye in a kinder way or even be accompanied without so much risk of failure (and also they would know I died peacefully). They also might feel less responsible. I couldn't rationalise this if my suffering weren't seemingly intractable.

I feel really stupid for posting this, sorry; it feels insensitive as at least I have something to regret. I've just been crying all day because of it. I went through years of psych hell because I couldn't bear to hurt my brother so much at once and then engaged in good faith with a lot of therapy again when I met my partner, but I don't think I can do it any more.

 

[Miss clefable]

Hugs :(

 

[Sayo]

Hugs :(

Hugs, thank you Miss Clef. :(

 

[Manaaja]

There's nothing selfish in wanting to die while surrounded by family. I'm sure they too would rather die while someone is holding their hand than completely alone.

I'm really sorry you find it hard to say goodbye. This might sound stupid, but if you just can't do it verbally no matter how hard you try, could you maybe ask someone else to write the note for you or at least ask someone to help you in writing the note (maybe someone on this site could help)? I understand if it's too hard or too personal.

What ever you'll decide to do, I hope things will go well for you in the end.

 

[MEoDP]

This is indeed the unfortunate reality. if you go out of your way to say goodbye,your attempt may just end up getting foiled. one of the users here whose successfully CTB'ed was able to post a goodbye letter on Tumblr by using a "delay post" function I believe. The user is named Zanexx.

http://snaowfox.tumblr.com/

Unfortunately,that's still not the same as dying while surrounded by your loved ones,but it may be better than nothing.

 

[Thanassis]

You are not selfish.

I think a note would work for you actually. Delayed e-mail/message seems like the best option. I won't use that however, I plan to send voice messages to my best friend and the rest, they will know one way or another... maybe not...

 

[Kev]

It really is a fucked up thing where saying goodbye explicitly to the people you love is something you just cannot do unless you want to get thrown in a psych ward. I think there is a very high chance that I CTB sometime this week or very soon, so I went back to my hometown this weekend to say "goodbye" to my parents and my childhood best friends. I wanted to hold them and cry and tell them I'm sorry and that I love them and make them understand that my suffering is going to end soon, but all I could do was fake a happy mood and try to make the memories of their last moments with me happy ones. It's a very surreal feeling when you know that this could be the last time you see somebody you love and they have no idea.

 

[Lra888]

I think about this too. We have to act in isolation. I've been contacting people and saying my goodbyes without being explicit about it - just what they mean to me, apologizing if I've ever hurt them and saying thank you.

 

[Shay]

I think about this too. We have to act in isolation. I've been contacting people and saying my goodbyes without being explicit about it - just what they mean to me, apologizing if I've ever hurt them and saying thank you.

I've just acted strange around people. Like very cut off and that's not me at all

 

[Lra888]

I've just acted strange around people. Like very cut off and that's not me at all

I've been withdrawn for the past few months as well. Depression does that to me which is why I've lost so many.

 

[Made4TV]

I like the idea of making a video. Is that something you might still be able to do?

 

[Readytoendit]

You can write goodbye to them in a note. I know it won't take the pain away from what your doing but it may give them some clarity. If you do this you should also keep in mind that I've read stories where the police seized the note and family or friends never got to see it because it's evidence so maybe put it somewhere personal? *Hugs* I understand your pain.