I wish I were like so many people here

[dudebl]

This isn't to knock anybody, but I see so many posts about mundane things "what song will you listen to when you kick the bucket" as an example.

Me, who gives an eff, I want to die, I want to know how to get over the survival instinct, I just want a method that works without chance of failure. I want out.

I scream everyday how bad I want out I don't have the energy to think about music or whatever else.

I am so trapped and in this prison of a life. I just want out.

I wish my state of thinking or life let me think of these things or care - but I'm here to die. It's over for me.

Rant over - can I do it tomorrow? Probably. Will I? Probably not, I'm a pussy and would rather wallow than to let my balls finally drop, be a man, and take care of the issue like a man and do it.

But nope I'll sit here and pussy out, time after time and sit and bitch about it.

God effin almighty, just let me take life, give me the power to stop being a pussy and do it already.

 

[blissfulness]

do you listen to music much? maybe not recently but do you have any favorite genres?

 

[dudebl]

do you listen to music much? maybe not recently but do you have any favorite genres?

Nope

 

[blissfulness]

Nope

thats fair. if you ever have time though, theres always some good music out there. I always have suggestions but you probs wouldnt like it LOL

 

[dudebl]

thats fair. if you ever have time though, theres always some good music out there. I always have suggestions but you probs wouldnt like it LOL

Appreciate it, but as I said I'm here to die, I'm not here to discuss living things.

It's just getting the ball's to do it.

 

[blissfulness]

aw i mustve read the post wrong my bad. i wish you the best though

 

[dudebl]

aw i mustve read the post wrong my bad. i wish you the best though

It's ok I know you're just trying to help, but I'm not helpable.

 

[blissfulness]

i know i probably cant help you especially when youre not looking for that... but distractions can be nice sometimes, even though its only temporary right?

 

[Off_Switch]

This forum definitely feels like it has gotten polluted with a lot of stream-of-consciousness spam posts in the past year.

 

[Rainork]

This isn't to knock anybody, but I see so many posts about mundane things "what song will you listen to when you kick the bucket" as an example.

Me, who gives an eff, I want to die, I want to know how to get over the survival instinct, I just want a method that works without chance of failure. I want out.

I scream everyday how bad I want out I don't have the energy to think about music or whatever else.

I am so trapped and in this prison of a life. I just want out.

I wish my state of thinking or life let me think of these things or care - but I'm here to die. It's over for me.

Rant over - can I do it tomorrow? Probably. Will I? Probably not, I'm a pussy and would rather wallow than to let my balls finally drop, be a man, and take care of the issue like a man and do it.

But nope I'll sit here and pussy out, time after time and sit and bitch about it.

God effin almighty, just let me take life, give me the power to stop being a pussy and do it already.

I do kind of feel you. I don't think it's as loud for me.
Whilst figuring out all the technicalities around my method, I thought about this exact thing at one point. I questioned if I should pick out a song to listen to just before leaving.
The only answer I kept coming to is that I don't really care, before that I hadn't even thought about if I'd have music playing.
I think it's like you said, I don't care and will be more focused on managing to do what I'm there to do and doing it properly.

 

[Cosmophobic]

You probably don't want to hear this but you're not a pussy for not being able to overcome the basic instinct to survive. It's got nothing to do with being a man and telling yourself that shit is just adding another layer of suffering.

 

[DoublingDown]

This is so unbelievably relatable… I just can't fathom planning to that degree. Even a note seems like too much effort. Music, signs, delayed messages. It's all too much for a life that's already too much to handle.

 

[ylenol]

If it helps you put things into perspective, just imagine people who died by jumping off a building or in front of train tracks reading your post. In your words, you're ''sitting here and pussying out, then bitching about it'' behind a computer on an online forum. They'd probably perceive you no differently than you see people here who talk about mundane things.

 

[Aergia]

If it helps you put things into perspective, just imagine people who died by jumping off a building or in front of train tracks reading your post. In your words, you're ''sitting here and pussying out, then bitching about it'' behind a computer on an online forum. They'd probably perceive you no differently than you see people here who talk about mundane things.

OP said he didn't mean to knock anybody. It was just a vent, and an understandable one. In a sense I can relate.

 

[itsgone2]

I agree with OP. Not to disrespect anyone either. The lighter discussions are needed actually I'm sure, to help anyone that can still be saved.
But it doesn't seem possible for some. I used to listen to music and podcasts constantly. Now? Nothing. What's the point? I'm being forced to do life when ideally I would have ctb by now.

 

[ylenol]

OP said he didn't mean to knock anybody. It was just a vent, and an understandable one. In a sense I can relate.

I'm not sure why you're mentionning me and paraphrasing the OP ? Don't feel attacked because you relate to him, it's simply the truth and I do relate in some sense too. He says himself at the end of the day he's just bitching and a pussy, he's obviously aware and we can all read it, I'm simply putting things into perspective for him

 

[fedup1982]

I think you answered your own question. The reason there are more mundane posts is precisely because dying is HARD and sometimes its easier on the soul to just escape into something mundane that eases the pain just a bit.

And that's coming from someone who escapes by thinking about death. When faced by insurmountable frustration with it, it can just get to be too much. One can only take so much of ruminating about frustrating things

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I stopped listening to music last year, because it's like life is slapping me in the face with the lyrics. I'm also wondering why am I still here, after almost 11 months of being suicidal? I dread November coming up in a few weeks, the anniversary of my world ending.

I can now relate to what you say from another perspective too. My partner was suicidal before I became suicidal. I did not understand at the time what it really meant and how he felt when he said things like, he wanted to die, and that he got upset with himself for not killing himself, that he hoped he could find his poison or the one thing that could kill him.

I now understand and sometimes think the reason I ended up on this path was to learn and feel how he felt.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree with OP. Not to disrespect anyone either. The lighter discussions are needed actually I'm sure, to help anyone that can still be saved.
But it doesn't seem possible for some. I used to listen to music and podcasts constantly. Now? Nothing. What's the point? I'm being forced to do life when ideally I would have ctb by now.

I'm not so sure it's about being 'saved'. People are talking about a playlist to die to at the end of the day... It doesn't make them any less likely to commit tomorrow than the next person. Just that they may want to do it to music.

I guess we all view death in a different way. We all go about it in a different way. Some plan their suicide meticulously, others wing it. Some want everything taken care of for their loved ones. Others don't even leave a note. Some take great care to make it as comfortable as possible. Some seem to actually want to suffer. Maybe we all need to approach it in our own way.

There are also some- like me- who do definitely want out but, feel they need to wait for the time being- for other loved ones to go first (in my case.) But, I suppose it can help distract us to still think about death while we can't actually do it. Including ways to make it a more gentle experience- listening to music could be one way. Maybe doing stuff we wanted to do before we die. That's not to knock people who feel they want something else though. It's horses for courses I suppose.

I wouldn't make the assumption though that- just because someone can enjoy something- music or anything else- that it's enough to make their life feel worthwhile. It doesn't necessarily mean that their sense of despair is any less either. Or, their conviction to end things is less.

It gets a bit dicey going in to some sort of pain olympics but then- it's only human to compare and feel envy. I find myself doing it too sometimes. It's that phrase which I hate so much: 'At least...' At least you have this. At least you can still feel this. Really though, we have no idea how badly each other feels.

I suppose I try to post stuff that isn't specifically suicidal in offtopic because, there have been these sorts of feelings aired before- that the main forum felt too optimistic or, offtopic.

I'm sorry though OP. That everything is so bad. That there's no distraction powerful enough left.

 

[itsgone2]

I'm not so sure it's about being 'saved'. People are talking about a playlist to die to at the end of the day... It doesn't make them any less likely to commit tomorrow than the next person. Just that they may want to do it to music.

I guess we all view death in a different way. We all go about it in a different way. Some plan their suicide meticulously, others wing it. Some want everything taken care of for their loved ones. Others don't even leave a note. Some take great care to make it as comfortable as possible. Some seem to actually want to suffer. Maybe we all need to approach it in our own way.

There are also some- like me- who do definitely want out but, feel they need to wait for the time being- for other loved ones to go first (in my case.) But, I suppose it can help distract us to still think about death while we can't actually do it. Including ways to make it a more gentle experience- listening to music could be one way. Maybe doing stuff we wanted to do before we die. That's not to knock people who feel they want something else though. It's horses for courses I suppose.

I wouldn't make the assumption though that- just because someone can enjoy something- music or anything else- that it's enough to make their life feel worthwhile. It doesn't necessarily mean that their sense of despair is any less either. Or, their conviction to end things is less.

It gets a bit dicey going in to some sort of pain olympics but then- it's only human to compare and feel envy. I find myself doing it too sometimes. It's that phrase which I hate so much: 'At least...' At least you have this. At least you can still feel this. Really though, we have no idea how badly each other feels.

I suppose I try to post stuff that isn't specifically suicidal in offtopic because, there have been these sorts of feelings aired before- that the main forum felt too optimistic or, offtopic.

I'm sorry though OP. That everything is so bad. That there's no distraction powerful enough left.

I like everything you say here. It's correct. Like I said I meant no disrespect to anyone. I suppose just seeing threads with titles containing things like music or tv shows or whatever just seems so odd. To me and others I guess.
A major part of my current state is that I'll lose my job soon, but haven't yet. I still come in to work and while way is in silence. I can't bear music for whatever reason. I have no energy for anything. Like right now I really need to get up and have a quick chat with someone and I can't.
I'm getting a little off topic. I suppose by saved I just meant I'm sure some here will pull out of this. To me ideally we'd all be in a spot to enjoy life. We aren't but it's possible.