I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder for half a year. Since April of this year, I have started having depressive episodes; they occur every two weeks and last for about two weeks each time. It is truly unbearable.
Every time I fall into this state, I become filled with pessimism toward the version of myself that tries to heal my trauma while in a normal state, and I become pessimistic about everything. Experiencing the contrast of having things figured out two days ago, only for the depression to return two days later and reset everything back to square one, is truly agonizing.
My family situation is quite unique. I have an autistic younger brother. Because of my brother, my father often gives my mother the silent treatment, and I rarely see him visit or show concern for us. Although my brother can take care of his daily needs, he will need to be looked after for the rest of his life. My mother has taken on the majority of the responsibility for our upbringing and daily life, and I can feel her exhaustion.
The country I live in provides very little support for autistic adults, which is another point of helplessness for me. I see some lucky families who have support, but most families are in dire straits because of having a child like this, their hearts broken and worn out.
I feel incredibly exhausted. Now that I have fallen into depression again, I just want to ctb to end it all. I don't want to keep repeatedly trying to heal my own trauma, repeatedly searching for ways to get better, or repeatedly experiencing this kind of contrast.
When I open up to my family, they can only worry about me or give me advice I could have already guessed, especially my mom. Just a couple of days ago, she told me how happy she was to hear I was getting better and that she even had a better appetite because of it. I just feel that falling back into depression now is a truly heartbreaking thing. My friends understand me, but they can only listen and keep me company; my core pain cannot be alleviated, and I feel so helpless.
Every time I fall into this state, I become filled with pessimism toward the version of myself that tries to heal my trauma while in a normal state, and I become pessimistic about everything. Experiencing the contrast of having things figured out two days ago, only for the depression to return two days later and reset everything back to square one, is truly agonizing.
My family situation is quite unique. I have an autistic younger brother. Because of my brother, my father often gives my mother the silent treatment, and I rarely see him visit or show concern for us. Although my brother can take care of his daily needs, he will need to be looked after for the rest of his life. My mother has taken on the majority of the responsibility for our upbringing and daily life, and I can feel her exhaustion.
The country I live in provides very little support for autistic adults, which is another point of helplessness for me. I see some lucky families who have support, but most families are in dire straits because of having a child like this, their hearts broken and worn out.
I feel incredibly exhausted. Now that I have fallen into depression again, I just want to ctb to end it all. I don't want to keep repeatedly trying to heal my own trauma, repeatedly searching for ways to get better, or repeatedly experiencing this kind of contrast.
When I open up to my family, they can only worry about me or give me advice I could have already guessed, especially my mom. Just a couple of days ago, she told me how happy she was to hear I was getting better and that she even had a better appetite because of it. I just feel that falling back into depression now is a truly heartbreaking thing. My friends understand me, but they can only listen and keep me company; my core pain cannot be alleviated, and I feel so helpless.
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