H
halfwaydown2
Human
- Aug 6, 2022
- 11
I always knew that if I were to end it, I'd jump. I don't want someone to find me in my bed in a bag or after taking N/SN, don't have or want access to guns, and if done right, jumping just can't go wrong.
Therefore, last week, I traveled to Beachy Head, UK to CTB (I prefer the term TTE, ticket to Eastbourne).
The place was incredibly beautiful, awe-inspiring, and helped me regain mental clarity: I'm free. I'm actually free. If I set two steps to the left, I'll join the void. If I set them to the right, I'll remain and keep fighting. I never knew I had that power before. I was neither attracted to nor repulsed by the edge. I alone was and am the master of my fate. I don't have to die, and I don't have to live.
I feel a little better now. No, my problems aren't going anywhere anytime soon, but here's the kicker: I choose them. I continue to choose them. Beachy Head isn't going anywhere. I can always reconsider, and in fact I'm thinking about going once every month from now on.
No therapist would ever advise anyone to go to the place where one can so easily CTB. But I did, and it helped. We should really normalize talking about suicide, it would save far more lives than the tiptoeing around the subject that society currently performs.
If you have the time and means, travel to Beachy Head! (Or any other location that's legally accessible and safe). I guarantee it will help. There the choice is truly yours - step to the left or step to the right. It's the view from halfway down - while you can still do something about it.
Therefore, last week, I traveled to Beachy Head, UK to CTB (I prefer the term TTE, ticket to Eastbourne).
The place was incredibly beautiful, awe-inspiring, and helped me regain mental clarity: I'm free. I'm actually free. If I set two steps to the left, I'll join the void. If I set them to the right, I'll remain and keep fighting. I never knew I had that power before. I was neither attracted to nor repulsed by the edge. I alone was and am the master of my fate. I don't have to die, and I don't have to live.
I feel a little better now. No, my problems aren't going anywhere anytime soon, but here's the kicker: I choose them. I continue to choose them. Beachy Head isn't going anywhere. I can always reconsider, and in fact I'm thinking about going once every month from now on.
No therapist would ever advise anyone to go to the place where one can so easily CTB. But I did, and it helped. We should really normalize talking about suicide, it would save far more lives than the tiptoeing around the subject that society currently performs.
If you have the time and means, travel to Beachy Head! (Or any other location that's legally accessible and safe). I guarantee it will help. There the choice is truly yours - step to the left or step to the right. It's the view from halfway down - while you can still do something about it.
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