flowers in the mist
dances with demons
- Aug 19, 2023
- 69
In the midst of panic I did something pretty stupid which landed me in the ICU.
I don't want to go into details of why or what exactly happened but I figured I'll leave something as a learning lesson.
A few days ago things were very bad for me, they still are but yeah.
It was like 2 am and I was panicking really hard over things and felt very hopeless and miserable. So I decided it was a perfect opportunity to do something really stupid.
I had been drinking for a while and was slightly drunk when I started to go through all the pills I had at home. In total I think I swallowed like 80-90 pills of various SSRI/SRNI's, and some paracetamol. Honestly it's all still very blurry and I didn't count them all but I think in total it was around 6g of paracetamol and something like 6g of SSRI/SNRI's.
I also drank one glass of SN, I think it was around 20mg.
Everyone reading this can probably already tell this was a stupid idea and yeah it was but I was in panic mode and wasn't thinking straight.
Immediately after I ingested the pills and drank the SN I regretted it and started panicking even more so with the help of someone I called an ambulance for myself, while they also called one for me. I started feeling dizzy and I threw up once or twice while passing out on my bathroom floor. I stayed on the emergency call with this person that helped keeping me conscious but I was really out of it.
After what felt like an eternity the ambulance arrived but they couldn't get into the complex I live in, which may sound pretty stupid but that's how it was. They told me to go get my keys and throw them out the window. So with encouragement from the person in the ambulance that I was talking to I managed to get up from the bathroom floor and was going to proceed to throw the keys out the window but at this point I have no recollection of where I put the keys. I remember having them in my hand at some point but then they were gone. I stumbled out into my apartment to search for them but I only managed to take a few steps until I stumbled and fell over, hit my head on the wall and fell down next to my bed. I was so sleepy and dizzy I just wanted to stay there and go to sleep. The person on the call said they can't help me unless I open up for them and at this point I started thinking about everything and I managed to find some energy to stand up, take myself out of the apartment and stumble/crawl down the stairs to open the door for them. I fell over a few times but I managed to reach them.
They threw me into the ambulance and started giving me medication to negate the pill effects while also pumping oxygen into me since I kept passing out. I only have a few flashbacks from the ambulance ride of them yelling at me to stay awake while burrowing their knuckles into my chest I guess to keep me awake.
I arrived at the hospital and again I don't really remember anything beside them inserting tubes to pump all the shit out of my stomach while keeping me on oxygen. It honestly felt like an eternity even though it was just a few hours but it was so unpleasant and uncomfortable. Especially the tubes and I kept wriggling around while they told me to stay still. I just wanted to escape all the feelings but I was trapped.
I woke up a few hours later in a monitoring room and had to stay there until my levels were back to somewhat normal. I remember talking with some psyche ward people but I told them I didn't want to go back there so they eventually let me leave the hospital and go back home.
So here I am sitting with SRNI withdrawal (because I took all the pills I had and I can't get anymore right now) and I feel miserable. The doctors at the hospital said I would be able to get more medication since I ran out but I tried today and I couldn't get any. I have to reach out to my doctor to be able to access it again but I'm so exhausted. Idk what I'll do about it, maybe I'll just stop taking it. I ruined a lot of things with this, and now I am alone. Tbh I ruined things in general with people dear to me so I deserve it.
Moral of the story, don't do this if you truly want to end your life, it will only cause more suffering. Properly research and don't do things in panic, which is easy to say but please be careful.
I don't have any SN left but I have sources and will probably order more and do it properly this time. Right now I just don't know what to do but I have nothing left to live for. I have ruined everything already so I figure it won't hurt ruining myself.
I don't want to go into details of why or what exactly happened but I figured I'll leave something as a learning lesson.
A few days ago things were very bad for me, they still are but yeah.
It was like 2 am and I was panicking really hard over things and felt very hopeless and miserable. So I decided it was a perfect opportunity to do something really stupid.
I had been drinking for a while and was slightly drunk when I started to go through all the pills I had at home. In total I think I swallowed like 80-90 pills of various SSRI/SRNI's, and some paracetamol. Honestly it's all still very blurry and I didn't count them all but I think in total it was around 6g of paracetamol and something like 6g of SSRI/SNRI's.
I also drank one glass of SN, I think it was around 20mg.
Everyone reading this can probably already tell this was a stupid idea and yeah it was but I was in panic mode and wasn't thinking straight.
Immediately after I ingested the pills and drank the SN I regretted it and started panicking even more so with the help of someone I called an ambulance for myself, while they also called one for me. I started feeling dizzy and I threw up once or twice while passing out on my bathroom floor. I stayed on the emergency call with this person that helped keeping me conscious but I was really out of it.
After what felt like an eternity the ambulance arrived but they couldn't get into the complex I live in, which may sound pretty stupid but that's how it was. They told me to go get my keys and throw them out the window. So with encouragement from the person in the ambulance that I was talking to I managed to get up from the bathroom floor and was going to proceed to throw the keys out the window but at this point I have no recollection of where I put the keys. I remember having them in my hand at some point but then they were gone. I stumbled out into my apartment to search for them but I only managed to take a few steps until I stumbled and fell over, hit my head on the wall and fell down next to my bed. I was so sleepy and dizzy I just wanted to stay there and go to sleep. The person on the call said they can't help me unless I open up for them and at this point I started thinking about everything and I managed to find some energy to stand up, take myself out of the apartment and stumble/crawl down the stairs to open the door for them. I fell over a few times but I managed to reach them.
They threw me into the ambulance and started giving me medication to negate the pill effects while also pumping oxygen into me since I kept passing out. I only have a few flashbacks from the ambulance ride of them yelling at me to stay awake while burrowing their knuckles into my chest I guess to keep me awake.
I arrived at the hospital and again I don't really remember anything beside them inserting tubes to pump all the shit out of my stomach while keeping me on oxygen. It honestly felt like an eternity even though it was just a few hours but it was so unpleasant and uncomfortable. Especially the tubes and I kept wriggling around while they told me to stay still. I just wanted to escape all the feelings but I was trapped.
I woke up a few hours later in a monitoring room and had to stay there until my levels were back to somewhat normal. I remember talking with some psyche ward people but I told them I didn't want to go back there so they eventually let me leave the hospital and go back home.
So here I am sitting with SRNI withdrawal (because I took all the pills I had and I can't get anymore right now) and I feel miserable. The doctors at the hospital said I would be able to get more medication since I ran out but I tried today and I couldn't get any. I have to reach out to my doctor to be able to access it again but I'm so exhausted. Idk what I'll do about it, maybe I'll just stop taking it. I ruined a lot of things with this, and now I am alone. Tbh I ruined things in general with people dear to me so I deserve it.
Moral of the story, don't do this if you truly want to end your life, it will only cause more suffering. Properly research and don't do things in panic, which is easy to say but please be careful.
I don't have any SN left but I have sources and will probably order more and do it properly this time. Right now I just don't know what to do but I have nothing left to live for. I have ruined everything already so I figure it won't hurt ruining myself.
