I wasn't meant to live.

[kovu]

Sorry, I'm a little drunk right now. I think I just wasn't meant to live.

My whole family tree is cursed. My grandmother killed herself while my mother was still a child; she jumped out a window. My mother didn't have a father; me neither. My mother's depressed, me as well, if I may self-diagnose a little. Grammarly's saving my grammar right now. The entire tree's just cursed.

Am I foolish for thinking of going with partial hanging? I feel like a comment underneath every partial hanging post recommends just going with full hanging as it eliminates all kinds of risks as long as one makes sure to tie good knots, have a good anchoring point, and a good rope. I believe my knots are pretty solid now, and I do like the rope I ordered. Should I just look for a lovely tree in a nearby forest? I feel like it wouldn't be all too difficult to pull through while I'm in the state I'm in right now. Every time I get drunk, I get the urge just to end it, finally.

My sisters are doing quite a bit better than me. They are the only good thing that came from this cursed tree. I shouldn't have been.

Should I just go looking for a lovely tree? I'll just go cut myself a little now; even more calming than drinking.

Should I just go looking for a lovely tree? Sorry, I love J. D. Salinger. His sentences tend to repeat.

Should I? Instead of a hotel room.

 

[CandyK__]

Many issues we face internally are often passed down with genetics, so it's not a curse. Just that your family has a high likely hood to experience life this way.

When life feels the worst it's usually not grounded in reality, but in depression-biased perception. We were born with a dark view of life. The fact that we don't experience much enjoyment, doesn't mean we're worse, just that life will be harder, but that is fine.

You were meant to live, like all of us. And just the same way we will be meant to die. End comes regardless, why rush it? Somehow we perceive world, an abstract reality that doesn't make much sense. It all was meant to be as it is. Whatever happens happens, and whatever will happen will happen.

It often feels cursed, but it's just a sum of few bad weeks, months, maybe years. It does get better, maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but some day it does.

Oh, and yeah, don't do too much drunk, drink more till you forget. If you want to take your life do it sober, please.

 

[kovu]

Many issues we face internally are often passed down with genetics, so it's not a curse. Just that your family has a high likely hood to experience life this way.

When life feels the worst it's usually not grounded in reality, but in depression-biased perception. We were born with a dark view of life. The fact that we don't experience much enjoyment, doesn't mean we're worse, just that life will be harder, but that is fine.

You were meant to live, like all of us. And just the same way we will be meant to die. End comes regardless, why rush it? Somehow we perceive world, an abstract reality that doesn't make much sense. It all was meant to be as it is. Whatever happens happens, and whatever will happen will happen.

It often feels cursed, but it's just a sum of few bad weeks, months, maybe years. It does get better, maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but some day it does.

Oh, and yeah, don't do too much drunk, drink more till you forget. If you want to take your life do it sober, please.

I apologise that I'm still wasted and can't get my thoughts in order for this response.

I know that my perception of reality may be biased because of my genetics/family history/depression, etc. But it's still my reality, isn't it? The one I have to live with. And I don't feel that life is worth pursuing, looking at it through the lens I was given. My sisters seem to have overcome it, for which I'm grateful, but I certainly haven't. Many of us on SaSu share that lens and have come to the same conclusion. Looking through it isn't worthwhile. It's just...too hard.

I can't remember most of my childhood, to be honest. Bits and pieces of joyful memories next to bits and pieces of terrible memories and abuse. Still, it's the sum of all the years that I'm still able to remember. Every year I can recollect is bad. Good periods last a few days at best. Bad periods stretch on and on and on.

I really appreciate your response. I feel terribly lonely. Your response has alleviated that a little; thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see myself as not being meant for this existence, I certainly don't belong in this world filled with endless suffering. But anyway best wishes, to me it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free from this existence as existing here certainly can be so dreadful.