I was silly for thinking this feeling would actually stop

[sickgirlzis]

i cant even express how lovely most of my summer and autumn was, and i have a boyfriend now which is so great, but as November is ending im getting that FEELINF OF WANTING TO DIE AGAIN LMAOOO . im literally laughing SO I WONT COMPLRTELG LOSE IT. because I think everything is fine and maybe even getting better. for those who saw my last post, yes im still homeless but whatever, I am pretty close to finding my own place, BUT ITS JUST... EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE SHIT. my career is great job good, boyfriend... oh I love him but hes so awful sometimes and I just think he hates me, maybe im just insecure, but hes literally ignoring me right now. hes not even doing it to be malicious but it just makes me feel even fucking worse . I met some new friends thank FUCK. but ... I just dont feel very close to them sometimes. I feel like an outsider. and everything just sucks. i feel dead. you know that feeling where you just rot in the morning? yeah I have that. my entire body just feels lazy and im trying to stay awake as I run some errands this afternoon but honestly I just feel terrible. I just want to be happy again AND STOP THINKING ABOUT ENDING MY ENTIRE LIFE.. WHY WHY WHY WHY DOES IT NEVER STOP
I literally just want his attention and I cant even get that LOL im absolutely worthless
. can someone explain how going to work sucks, staying at home sucks, the only thing that feels good is being with him, which we are both so busy, we barely have time to be together. also walking around the city with music loud feels good. but thats it. I never ever feel good.