Venting i want to go so bad i can’t take this anymore

[jigsaw_falling]

i've been feeling so depressive lately. i've fallen behind on classes, my attendance is awful because i can't handle being there mentally. i have no motivation to exercise, which makes me feel so guilty i feel like it's eating me alive. i'm constantly pretending to be okay to my friends, but i can't anymore, and i think i've just accepted the fact that i'm not fun or interesting to be around because of my mental health.

i'm a big procrastinator on work in general, but apart from that i'm generally productive and active, and doing things even when i'm suicidal or struggling.

but now i don't want to anymore, i don't have the energy to be productive and it's fucking awful because that's all that kept me going. i hate feeling stagnant and lazy and i'm so disgusted with myself and i feel like i'm just sinking deeper into hating myself more and more. i didn't know it was possible to despise myself more than i do now.

i've been binge eating for days now, which fucks with my ed and body dysmorphia, and now i don't have the energy to purge or to burn it off through exercise. i've never felt so useless in my life and i want to die.

my problems feel so stupid, but the hatred i have towards myself is so strong that i want to rip my skin off sometimes. i'm so full of anxiety all the time that i breakdown daily, and haven't felt like it able to breathe in months. and now i think my friends and people i care about, i'm pushing away, because i'm just such a fucking loser to be around.

i don't have the courage to ctb, and have nothing ready or planned at all yet, but at this point i'm just so desperate. i might just give up on my plan of doing a "halfway" attempt and just take every pill in the house to out of desperation.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me pills sound like a risky method, I believe that taking lots of random pills is known to fail and lead to more suffering, but of course it's very much understandable just wishing to be free from existing. It can certainly be very awful and tiring feeling trapped here when you just wish to be gone.

 

[ElfenLied]

As our friend @FuneralCry said, taking multiple pills is a very risky method, I've already taken more than 200 pills and the only thing that happened was that I woke up with pain in my head and stomach, discomfort and a lot of dizziness that I couldn't even stand up, but I'm still here.

 

[missingpeace]

I know that feeling of desperation, of just wanting to be GONE without efforting.. if only we can just snap our fingers and disappear.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

As our friend @FuneralCry said, taking multiple pills is a very risky method, I've already taken more than 200 pills and the only thing that happened was that I woke up with pain in my head and stomach, discomfort and a lot of dizziness that I couldn't even stand up, but I'm still here.

oh wow, im really sorry:( but yeah pills aren't a foolproof method at all, i just don't know if i have the courage to do anything else